what is wrong with me???

well april 2 and i woke up this morning realizing i dont have a damn thing to do.  i have lost all ambition and motivation and all i ever seem to do anymore is sit on my ass in front of this damn computer and wish for something that used to be.  you know when i was drinking so much i wasnt this bored every day.  yet i dont want to start that path again.  what the hell is wrong with me.  i realize for us alkies change is difficult but holy shit.  why cant i move on.  i realize its only been 37 days and that it has taken me 30 some odd years to be at this point in my life but damnit i want my life to be good and happy and fulfilled now.  damnit i still feel so depressed and today stressed out totally.  shit i have no reason for this.  i have a good husband, a great home,  great kids and i dont want for anything so what the hell is wrong with me?  if i had never met a specific person online my life would not be at this point today. am i full of regret?  hell no but there are things i resent and maybe that is my issue. i am letting people control my feelings or how i feel again and it pisses me off that i havent got control of that yet.  i just want to scream it is so frustrating.  i should have energy and want to go outside and smile or laugh.  i should want to get shit done at home and work out everyday like i used too.  what the hell is wrong with me????? i should want to go to work everyday and enjoy the company of other people around me.  am i feeling sorry for myself?  maybe. i have no fucking idea. i have mood swings and my feelings go from total love to anger and resentment as quickly as i can blink.  i think way to much and relive the past issues that are haunting me the most right now and holding me back.  why the hell can i not let go and move on.  yes it all has to do with a relationship that has taken over my entire life.  what have i done what was i thinking.  yes it has to do with someone taking so much control of my emotions and manipulating me slowly to the point i lost who i was to the point of now not being able to find me anymore.  what the hell is wrong with me that i went from a strong independent woman to this miserable, resentful, emotionally controlled pathetic nothing?  fuck the insanity of my life is one only i know in my world that i cant tell anyone and that is making me sick.  few people know my situation and all are online and dont know me or atleast people in my world.  its safe that way or so i think.  am i insane besides being an alcoholic???? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????????