What is this?
Dateline: In my own little world...
Hmmm, is this a phase? Something you cycle in and out of? Normal, no doubt. What I am noticing is that I am saying Andy-This and Andy-That. He is inside of me every single minute and I have something to say on his behalf about almost everything.
"Andy was good at weeding."
"Andy loved Big Hits 100.9."
"Andy did NOT like the 'Life is Good' brand..."
"Andy would be here with us painting these boards... he loved a team project."
"Andy said BLACK coffee with the emphasis on the BLACK!"
"Andy took ibuprofen by the handful after snowboarding."
I'm a regular chatty cathy on the Andy channel. I don't look up at everyone to see if they are raising an eyebrow, catching each other's eye... It's just what it is: a mom who lost her boy about 4 months ago... still so new... let's let her be...
What I mean is: I wonder sometimes if people are sort of giving me a little extra space and permission to be a weirdo because they know I am going to do whatever I want. I am not deliberately 'using' this situation in a manipulative way but yes OK, if someone wants to know, I DO feel like I (and OK what the hell, everyone!) should do what they want to do with their day, their one precious day. Follow your heart. Carpe diem. If a thug jumped ME in an alley, he would have one strong mama to deal with, IYKWIM. I'd be like, are you kidding me? I went through all that, and you wanna WHAT? Don't make me laugh. So yeah, a little space around me is a good thing.
Now I am going to make some hot tea and settle down and try to get to sleep a bit earlier. I have been REALLY terrible about sleep the last week. OK the last 55 years. I am a night owl. Is there any hope? BTW ANDY was a major night owl too... he really got it bad from me... and we had such a great time staying up all night together. Last year when he moved in with me on Oct. 1, and we were scared ****less, neither one of us wanted to go to bed and just lie there with our hearts thumping. We would watch old movies, or Daria, or international soccer games, or scary movies, or ANYTHING, to just be together and not go into a dark bedroom where the panic would set in.
Here's yet another way that I was the right person with the right space for Andy when he needed it. Everyone else would get weary and go to bed. Andy and I would get our second (or third) winds, and stay up until 3 or 4. He'd go down in the basement to get high and sometimes I would join him. We had an agricultural project down there, growing weed, (totally legal! We had a letter from his oncologist!) and sometimes late at night we would work on the lights or the reflectors or the humidity settings.
I should note that I was paying the price for all this bonhamie: *I* Had to get up and go to work the next morning. Ow. I would come home at lunchtime and sometimes he would be up and sometimes he'd still be in bed. I would go into his hot room (he couldn't get warm enough) with the doggies (two beagly mutts) and we would all get on his bed and kiss him all over his face and ears. He was always SO nice to me in the mornings, from the time he was little... never a morning grouch. (Like most humans!) He would say Oh Mummy I love it when you wake me up... it's so much better than a horrible alarm clock or annoying radio.
When he was sitting at the dining room table rolling a joint (every few hours, October 1st to May 19th, thatsalotta cheeba!) and I was going by, I would stop and hug him from behind, and kiss his sideburns. He had pretty crazy Elvis sideburns pretty often... until he'd shave 'em off. I'm telling you, he was SO kissable. When he was a baby, I kissed him a thousand times a day. When he was little I said, "Andy you have a heart of gold." "No Mummy, silver, ok?"
I am missing Andy tonight. If he were here he might be driving me crazy with all his opinions and addictions and just plain chaos and mess... he might walk down to the pub and get bombed and stagger home and I would be anxious and have to text his friend to see if he was ok... but we also might be having a great time or just enjoying all the little things together. He'd put on some good music. (I haven't played his records since he died. The stereo is still on. I just realized that. It's blinking over there... in this very quiet room.)
So.... I'm thinking about Andy. Breathing Andy. Holding Andy. Talking about Andy. And saying his name, a lot. Andy. Gone. Andy. Here. I can close my eyes and remember the smell... the laugh... the times that were very bad and the times that were very good.
Hmmm, is this a phase? Something you cycle in and out of? Normal, no doubt. What I am noticing is that I am saying Andy-This and Andy-That. He is inside of me every single minute and I have something to say on his behalf about almost everything.
"Andy was good at weeding."
"Andy loved Big Hits 100.9."
"Andy did NOT like the 'Life is Good' brand..."
"Andy would be here with us painting these boards... he loved a team project."
"Andy said BLACK coffee with the emphasis on the BLACK!"
"Andy took ibuprofen by the handful after snowboarding."
I'm a regular chatty cathy on the Andy channel. I don't look up at everyone to see if they are raising an eyebrow, catching each other's eye... It's just what it is: a mom who lost her boy about 4 months ago... still so new... let's let her be...
What I mean is: I wonder sometimes if people are sort of giving me a little extra space and permission to be a weirdo because they know I am going to do whatever I want. I am not deliberately 'using' this situation in a manipulative way but yes OK, if someone wants to know, I DO feel like I (and OK what the hell, everyone!) should do what they want to do with their day, their one precious day. Follow your heart. Carpe diem. If a thug jumped ME in an alley, he would have one strong mama to deal with, IYKWIM. I'd be like, are you kidding me? I went through all that, and you wanna WHAT? Don't make me laugh. So yeah, a little space around me is a good thing.
Now I am going to make some hot tea and settle down and try to get to sleep a bit earlier. I have been REALLY terrible about sleep the last week. OK the last 55 years. I am a night owl. Is there any hope? BTW ANDY was a major night owl too... he really got it bad from me... and we had such a great time staying up all night together. Last year when he moved in with me on Oct. 1, and we were scared ****less, neither one of us wanted to go to bed and just lie there with our hearts thumping. We would watch old movies, or Daria, or international soccer games, or scary movies, or ANYTHING, to just be together and not go into a dark bedroom where the panic would set in.
Here's yet another way that I was the right person with the right space for Andy when he needed it. Everyone else would get weary and go to bed. Andy and I would get our second (or third) winds, and stay up until 3 or 4. He'd go down in the basement to get high and sometimes I would join him. We had an agricultural project down there, growing weed, (totally legal! We had a letter from his oncologist!) and sometimes late at night we would work on the lights or the reflectors or the humidity settings.
I should note that I was paying the price for all this bonhamie: *I* Had to get up and go to work the next morning. Ow. I would come home at lunchtime and sometimes he would be up and sometimes he'd still be in bed. I would go into his hot room (he couldn't get warm enough) with the doggies (two beagly mutts) and we would all get on his bed and kiss him all over his face and ears. He was always SO nice to me in the mornings, from the time he was little... never a morning grouch. (Like most humans!) He would say Oh Mummy I love it when you wake me up... it's so much better than a horrible alarm clock or annoying radio.
When he was sitting at the dining room table rolling a joint (every few hours, October 1st to May 19th, thatsalotta cheeba!) and I was going by, I would stop and hug him from behind, and kiss his sideburns. He had pretty crazy Elvis sideburns pretty often... until he'd shave 'em off. I'm telling you, he was SO kissable. When he was a baby, I kissed him a thousand times a day. When he was little I said, "Andy you have a heart of gold." "No Mummy, silver, ok?"
I am missing Andy tonight. If he were here he might be driving me crazy with all his opinions and addictions and just plain chaos and mess... he might walk down to the pub and get bombed and stagger home and I would be anxious and have to text his friend to see if he was ok... but we also might be having a great time or just enjoying all the little things together. He'd put on some good music. (I haven't played his records since he died. The stereo is still on. I just realized that. It's blinking over there... in this very quiet room.)
So.... I'm thinking about Andy. Breathing Andy. Holding Andy. Talking about Andy. And saying his name, a lot. Andy. Gone. Andy. Here. I can close my eyes and remember the smell... the laugh... the times that were very bad and the times that were very good.
Replies
Beautiful entry. Talk to me about your wonderful Andy anytime. I am at a point that I talk about Eddie all the time. Sometimes my grandchildren ask me to stop - it makes them miss him; so I do. Other times they ask for \"Dad\" stories & we laugh or cry together. Its funny what you said about a thug. I\'ve said since Eddie\'s passing that noone wants to unleash my anger. I am angry at the blow life dealt us, so thugs watch out. Keep talking about that precious young man. Love, Linda
dear friend,
of all the loves one experiences there is none, i believe, that is like the love one feels for a child. and of all the sense of vulnerability that one experiences in the world, none is quite like that which surrounds a child, especially one in peril of any sort...
and yes, I think I know what you mean about the chaos and mess and the etcs, but all that pales pales in comparison to the love...
I want to tell you that I think about you a lot in between our communications and it matters to me how you are....and I am desperately sorry for the hell of your loss.
And I also believe that you get to take all the time and space you need,,,,,
you write so eloquently of a special son and a special mother.....oh, how we wish we could hold them and kiss them again like little boys....your Andy sounds like a big hearted person like my Brandon....such good sons. My heart is aching tonight as well....you are still in what they call the raw phase...the newness is harsh....gut wrenching....it slacks as time goes on but it never really goes away....how can it? Our maternal love...our loving bond...the umbilical relationship....never is severed....I wish you peace.....and many good memories of your son, Andy.....I love when you share your child with me. Love and hugs......dale, brandon\'s mom
it makes me teary to have you all be so warm and welcoming and ok with the endless andy stories... lol nothing like a soft shoulder for turning on the tears! Hugs all around. :*)
You can talk about Andy here any time, day or night! I think there is some truth in the old adage \'the good die young\". Lisa had her trials and tribulations as a teen but grew to be the most caring, generous, understanding, fun loving mother, daughter wife and friend. I love talking about her too. If people don\'t want to listen, that is their problem. Unless they have lived through what we have, they just don\'t know.
Luckily I have understanding friends who indulge me.
It was good to get to know Andy a little bit.
Hang in. We are here for you!
Hugs, Marlene aka Lisa\'s Mum
Yeah. My boy was a little older (in years) than yours when the cancer was diagnosed (tongue that spread to neck and lungs) but it sounds like they had similar spirits. We laughed at how easily we\'d revert back to childhood when he got sick. We\'d lie in bed and I\'d rub his neck and head and sing to him like when he was little. Those memories are precious but the sickness and the terror (which you describe so well) were devastating. Keep remembering. It hurts so much to but its also so necessary.
hugging u tight my friend....luved the story of your andy...keep sharing the stories ,,,they warmed my heart.!
my cody was a special son also...heart of gold...my sonshine!!...miss him so much and still hurts and still seems like it was yesterday...but 4.5 yrs have flown bye and i have know idea where they went...andy and cody are watching over us and guiding us with there love and specialness :)
always walking beside you and may you know you are never alone!!...hang in there and keep sharing ur stories and special memories...luv ya
you make me love him too. andy. what a wonderful guy. Our holidays this year are so fraught with grief. Our Jacob loved his religion so much. Really it was the love of his life. His Torah and his children. A loving man. It\'s really unbearable and yet, we bear it. Walking with you, abot
I love hearing about Andy...we will never tire...as you talk of Andy...I will talk of Alex...our boys...so wonderful...so many memories. It really doesn\'t matter whether others thing you are crazy or not...(and you are not)...you are a mom thats son died too early. You miss him with every fiber of your body...so you carry him with you forever...and you will include him in conversations...forever...love to you...Karen
As it all should be dear Sarah. We don\'t carry these children in our wombs and hearts not to have them with us forever. There is not a day that goes by that we do not mention Doug\'s name. He was such a huge part of our family and continues to be. To hear their name and to speak it keeps that tether strong so keep sharing your stories of crazy Andy, night owl Andy, loving Andy, debating Andy, questioning Andy, frightened Andy, dreamer Andy, tender heart Andy, too much of whatever he was enjoying Andy, loyal Andy, noon time Andy, intellectual Andy, philosopher Andy, bummed Andy... just to name a few of the sides of Andy that I have been privileged to get to know. With love. Joanie
Namaste. So many thanks, so much love.
I think we could all talk endlessly about our boys and you should talk about Andy anytime and anywhere. After all, if a mother won\'t...who will? I love being able to hear about your son and thank you for trusting us to share him. It makes me feel like I know him a little better. I\'m so happy you were able to share all those wonderful nights...early mornings together. You two had a special bond and it shows. That will be a constant comfort and keep you close to him always. Love Robin
My heart is full.....
ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!
Thank you for sharing him with us!
I know about the \'channel\' I\'m on the Jim channel all day long! If I\'m not talking about him, tying him into everything going on around me out loud, I\'m thinking of him. I am sure I repeat myself often...know I do. But it\'s what is on my mind all of the time.
It does get to be a bit less on somedays. I want so much to live in the present. We will...
much love,
Sus
Beautiful...please tell us more. I love reading about Andy because there\'s just so much love there. Andy - I\'ll say his name out loud for you. Nic - I\'ll say my angel\'s name out loud too. I do find that I can say his name without crying sometimes now. Love, Julia