what is happening to me
It will be four months on valentines day that you left me. I feel so much worse now than I have all along. I cannot find even a second of relief from this crushing pressure on my chest that I guess is anxiety.
Why am I waking up with nightmares and waking all night long shaking, heart pounding and my mind thinking of all the things we have together upstate that your family will never let me have again. I tried so hard to dream of you last night by smelling your shirt and staring at your picture but instead I dreamt of going upstate looking at the moon and stars and knowing that you were gone from me and somewhere up there and I cried in my sleep.
I struggled just to change that light bulb in the kitchen this morning .Praying with my insane weakness and dizziness not to fall off the step stool. If you had been here you would have been screaming at me to get down from there before you kill yourself! I could hear your voice in my head...but I need to see so I had to do it.
This is the way it will be all the time now. I will have to try to get things done myself at the same time trying to just walk across the house without falling over. What kind of life is this to live Joe. You know how hard it was even with you here, why should I continue this now. They all day I will never recover and there is no cure, so I dont understand why you were the one to leave instead of me?
Everyone in your family is talking about me like I am a monster because I had to hire a lawyer. I could not take the threats and phone calls from them any longer and I had to turn it over to someone else. I cannot fight another bad thing right now so I felt it was for the best. I am NOT trying to take money from your sons as they keep saying. I just want them to let me grieve in peace and if they dont want to see or talk to me anymore, than that is their decision. I really thought the boys would be there for me and just check in on me one and awhile, but that is not going to happen. Their hatred for me is so deep and I dont know why Joe? I would give them anything they needed if I had it to give and you know this.
It is a really dark day again and I dont want to pray, I dont want to talk, I just want to cry all day long. I just want to be with you and my dad right now.
Why am I waking up with nightmares and waking all night long shaking, heart pounding and my mind thinking of all the things we have together upstate that your family will never let me have again. I tried so hard to dream of you last night by smelling your shirt and staring at your picture but instead I dreamt of going upstate looking at the moon and stars and knowing that you were gone from me and somewhere up there and I cried in my sleep.
I struggled just to change that light bulb in the kitchen this morning .Praying with my insane weakness and dizziness not to fall off the step stool. If you had been here you would have been screaming at me to get down from there before you kill yourself! I could hear your voice in my head...but I need to see so I had to do it.
This is the way it will be all the time now. I will have to try to get things done myself at the same time trying to just walk across the house without falling over. What kind of life is this to live Joe. You know how hard it was even with you here, why should I continue this now. They all day I will never recover and there is no cure, so I dont understand why you were the one to leave instead of me?
Everyone in your family is talking about me like I am a monster because I had to hire a lawyer. I could not take the threats and phone calls from them any longer and I had to turn it over to someone else. I cannot fight another bad thing right now so I felt it was for the best. I am NOT trying to take money from your sons as they keep saying. I just want them to let me grieve in peace and if they dont want to see or talk to me anymore, than that is their decision. I really thought the boys would be there for me and just check in on me one and awhile, but that is not going to happen. Their hatred for me is so deep and I dont know why Joe? I would give them anything they needed if I had it to give and you know this.
It is a really dark day again and I dont want to pray, I dont want to talk, I just want to cry all day long. I just want to be with you and my dad right now.
Replies
Ann, I will pray for you, Dear Lord God, Please give my friend Ann the Peace she needs to be able to be strong and comfort her pain. Lord Father, show her by your love and healing grace that You are there with her. Let her feel Joe by her also, give her answers to her questions that will help her to grow.
Let her feel you in this song, please open her eyes and ears to hear You in the lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmUDDxflt6o
Get up and dance Ann, get up and dance with Joe.
Hugs,
Judy
Thank you for that song, it was wonderful. I dont know what has happened. I truly feel that I had a nervous breakdown now. I just cannot stop crying and sobbing so loud. I am so glad that my tenant is at work or she would think i am crazy. My daughter is going to come get me late tongiht after her work and school and bring me by my family. I think I have to give my abbey cat up for adoption since my daughter has a cat and they wont get along and I hate leaving her here for my tenant to fee. I miss her so much when I am gone. Just too much to think about. Love you Ann
Your going through something your soul/spirit needs it is a cleansing. We all go through this and you need to let it out. Do not be upset that you broke down it happens to us all. You will see after the cleansing, some may do it for days and some may do it for hours, I did it for a weeks ( I still need to let out my pain but I did cry for weeks just awhile ago). I knew the dreaded Feb was coming and I did not want to think of it.
I caused myself to be all worked up and in fact, I still can not sleep, my neck and spine are so sore like a charley horse from being so stressed with everything. My daughter just told me, mom it is stress your going through a lot mom.
I thought it was my flare ups with fibromyalgia and she says no it is stress.
So, yes we do all have to breakdown or we will breakdown in other parts for our bodies.
Ann, I am so sorry that all of this is mounting on top of you, I am here for you to sound off to.
Hugs,
Judy
Cry, let it out...it is a hard load to carry in a person\'s heart and thoughts and then have all of that other stuff to tow. Give yourself the day to let your body grieve and breathe without thoughts of anything else. I call that a day to just be, to stop all the chatter in our heads and to take care of ourselves.
I know the perpetual fear...crushing pressure on your chest...stomach in knot..longing for the connection and trust we lost with our husbands. Have you seen your DR for anxiety and a counselor to talk it out..I am a work in progress, I am doing both.
Squeeze...a heartfelt hug from me....tight hugs.