What is happening here??I am clueless.Please help.
They deleted my old posts here.
Don't want to take a risk.
What is happening here??I am clueless.Please help. Watch this ishaRelive View More Posts Sorry All for suddenly barging in out of blue!!!
Some of the people who do remember me (I hope you do :-( ), I am still out and to some extent was/am with peace with my past and was/am even happy me again.
Few months back I got a fb request from my abusive (emotionally) x. I have still not done anything with it. No, I NEVER want to be friends with him. Then what is stopping me from rejecting it and blocking him.
I have no clue. I have been seeing his profile on fb. He is happily married with a son (atleast it seems so). His wife calls him a rockstar and he calls her beautiful as a moon and mention her and their son as the only two best things in his lifeline in some posts i read.
I was devasted to read that. Why??No, I don't want him back and neither will I ever reconsider letting him back. NEVER.
I am happily married too.He knows my past but I no longer talk about it to him as I know he tries hard not to show but it hurts him. We even had a rift sometime back when he thought I am not happy with him and in love with him. I am.But, I can no longer be the old isha with him or with anyone for that matter. I have learnt sadly by burning my hand and the experience shows in my behaviour. We are in a happy place now, where he understands that he loves me and I love him and things are going very smooth.
Actually, the truth is I thought that whoever he marries will never be able to love me as much as I did.I think she does, maybe even more to stick around. I actually thought he will have a broken marriage and affairs. He never had affairs when I was with him but he did always pay more attention to any girl in the group then me. He never said one single thing good about me except when I left him for good.
So what is happening here. Had I imagined all the abuse in my head. For those who don't know me, one of the emotional abuse that i had to bear was that he always said that he loves me but not that much.Atleast I thought this abuse if it is repeated like everday of your life. But he doesn't say that for her. Then, I wasn't allowed to call twice if he didn't pickup once. Then, once i forgot to wake him for a movie show as we had had a fight, he started shouting at me for being selfish and created quite a scene at the place we were staying at. I was always second to him.He even said that on my face that biggest fear you have is losing me and biggest fear i have is not making my career reach heights.
I have my sister to talk to about all this. But I wanted your unbiased opinion here.
What is going on here?? Have I become so self obsessed abt him that I am thinking too much. Or is that God's way of punishing me?? Or was the abuse just my imagination??
Really Really scared... Please help... Posted on 07/09/13, 12:43 am Send to a Friend Share This Digg Del.icio.us furl StumbleUpon Facebook Yahoo! Google 10 Replies Add Your Advice Reminder: This is a support group for Physical & Emotional Abuse. We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.
You may also create your own Member Groups where you can moderate the discussion. Advice: In adding this Advice, I ishaRelive, do promise to be nice. Email me when others reply to this topic
hope2168 View More Posts Reply #1 - 07/09/13 12:59am
i think you have post traumatic stress disorder from your ex relationship. they make us sad. it never really goes away. i would say block him from ever contacting you. if he abused you he is abusing her, for sure. i am very sorry you are going thru this. its awful what they do....... Livndadrem View More Posts Reply #2 - 07/09/13 1:09am
Well I remember you :-)
It's hard to say exactly what's going on - only you can truly know yourself. But it seems that you have fallen into the trap of allowing his treatment of you (and apparent treatment of another) to determine your worth.
Firstly, the FB stuff. There are a bunch of explanations for his behaviour. My personal best guess, since he sent a friend request, is that a lot of the stuff he does on FB, a lot of the stuff he says about her, is designed for two things - to hook her, and to hurt you. I have seen this time and again with an abuser who has apparently moved on, but everything they do is designed to make the ex feel bad about her (or him)self. Which shows HIS obsession with YOU.
Another thing about FB is that you can be whoever you want to be, because the image is controlled. A few fake smiles and a few fake platitudes, and you have a "happy relationship" full of love and caring. Doesn't mean it's true. That goes double (in my view) for people who show these things publicly (rather than just friends). To be clear, I am NOT saying that anyone who posts stuff publicly on FB is dishonest, only that an abusive ex who issues a friend request, knows he's not been blocked, and then posts all this stuff about his happy new relationship is almost certainly attempting to manipulate his ex. And is most likely manipulating his current as well.
As to how much she loves him? Again, you can NOT know the ins and outs of his relationship based on a few statuses and photos on FB. I have seen so very many stories on here of "proof" that "he loves her more than me, she's getting the best of him, so the abuse must be all in my head or all my fault". A lot of problems with this notion tho. First one is that, as I've said, there is proof of nothing (and in a great many cases, the truth has in fact come out, the next one is treated as badly as the ex was and is putting on a happy front). But the other is that even if they ARE happy, that proves absolutely nothing about your relationship, your worth or how you deserve to be treated.
Every one of us deserves to be treated with respect and decency. Whether he can treat someone else with those things (unlikely) makes absolutely NO difference to the absolute truth that you deserved those things from him. Nor does it make any difference to the absolute truth that you didn't get those things from him.
One of the problems with keeping contact with an abusive ex (and keeping them unblocked, checking their FB pages etc is indirect contact) is that it holds back the healing. It keeps the ex abuser in mind, keeps that "what if" going around and around, keeps us trying to get into their lives, their heads. The only way to truly heal in my view is to break off all unnecessary contact. Including blocking them on social media. I do get the temptation, I did the same thing with my ex for a while, kept checking his page for evidence - evidence of what? Not sure, maybe I hoped to see karma smack him in the butt? I don't know, but what I do know is that it was keeping me thinking about him, wondering about what he was doing, whether someone else was making him happier than I did, etc etc. And every minute, every ounce of emotional energy, spent on him is a minute or an ounce of emotional energy I wasn't spending on myself or my healing. So, as hard as it was, I blocked him. And it was freeing - I haven't even been tempted to look since.
The only other thing I can suggest is that if you've not had counselling with someone who is experienced/trained in abuse recovery, then I can't recommend it highly enough.
You did not deserve the abuse, the problem was his not yours, no matter WHAT the truth of his new relationship is. Stop worrying about what he's up to and focus on making your own life and relationship as happy as you can. butterfly … View More Posts Reply #3 - 07/09/13 1:20am
ok so honestly i have done the same thing.. post traumatic stress sounds like something you can name it, or that you feel like you were rejected somehow and not good enough to be loved by him. Well you were not rejected and you are good enough... you are good enough for YOU, for your husband and the people that do love you and want you around. He is the one that was not worthy of all you had to give. and abusers always abuse. My dad abused my mom and although he doesnt hit my step mom, he still tells her to shut up in front of people and talks to her like she is stupid sometimes. Well last time i heard that was in 2011. And i have seen him twice since then. They have been married for 20 years. Anyhow, you may need to just delete your facebook profile all together and stop look at other peoples lives thinking they have it better than you. Pictures and words are easy to post but reality doesnt always show through. I just deleted mine and went out to meet people and spend time with them and of course to stop looking at my ex'es profile. I ave two ex's and they have girlfriends...i already know they both have issues...one told me, the other makes is obvious...same pattern. give your love and attention to your hubby like you have and get off social networking. You will feel better. ishaRelive View More Posts Reply #4 - 07/09/13 1:28am
Thanks Hope...Thanks for the kind words...Needed them..
Livin, I can't thank you enough for what you wrote.... I want to breakfree and the only way out is to block him... And I need to do that... And I will... I was doing lot better when I had stopped visiting his pages and reading about him.
No it's NO LONGER all about him. It has to be just ME and my happiness now.
I need to re focus all my energies in the right direction now. I needed to read this soooo much...
Thanks Livin...Thanks a tonnnn.... ishaRelive View More Posts Reply #5 - 07/09/13 1:34am
Thanks Butterfly... Deleting fb may be tough as I have many friends there who only contact me through that. But BLOCKING everyone who is making my life negative. That I have to do and will have to get the courage for that.
And Livin, about counselling, I am from India and sadly here going to therapist is looked down upon..I so wish it wasn't... But that option doesn't exist for me. I hope blocking him and coming back here may help me get back on the right track again...
It was because of you all that I was able to understand my self worth and break away... Else, I would still be crying and being shouted at for making him so angry that he just had to shout... IleneW View More Posts Reply #6 - 07/09/13 9:37am
Yes, I remember you.
Much good wisdom already.
Here's what I'll add:
As long as your focus is anywhere other than on your own self-care and well-being, these issues will continue.
Begin to move your focus onto the regular and consistent practice of SELF-CARE.
SELF-CARE means making choices that contribute to your maintenance and nurturance.
It could be getting your nails done or it could be seeing the dentist, getting appropriate medical screening and doing your taxes.
It could be seeing friends or it could be checking the air in your tires before you go to see them.
SELF-CARE could be getting therapy with a qualified therapist to work on rebuidling yourself, or it could be going to a mindless movie that makes you laugh so hard you pee.
Self-care can be anything that contributes to your well-being, today and for everyday going forward.
When you do this, your focus on things that detract from your well-being, will begin to diminish and eventually become extinguished.
That's my best suggestion.
Sending you hugs and healing prayers. IleneW View More Posts Reply #7 - 07/09/13 9:43am
p.s. -----
His abuse was NOT your imagination.
You are a precious flower on the stem of the universe.
Please. . . . LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! butterfly … View More Posts Reply #8 - 07/09/13 9:41pm
sorry that seeking out therapy is frowned upon, i get it. People are so judgemental here as well as to think anyone seeking out help is weak and crazy. But not so. We are the strong courageous ones that arent hiding from our problems and pain, rather we are working it through and becoming stronger. Come here and talk to us...we will help you through it and give our best advice, wisdom, and what we have lived through. xoxox ishaRelive View More Posts Reply #9 - 07/10/13 12:40am
Thanks Ilene...Thanks for the support you provided and still do... You made me smile today. Sadly, I was again going to place where my focus was my past and my x.
It took me years to just start doing small things for myself and start seeing beauty in life again. Wanting to live again, smile again, be loved and love back again... It took time and lots of bad dayssss which ultimately led to me not waking up scared but confident and in control.
It has to be about me again...
I am telling something off track here. But this post yesterday helped me tackle another issue.
I went home and blocked my abusive x on fb. The message that came was that we are sorry that you had to face this and blah blah when I clicked on block him. The first thing that came to my mind was "You have no idea how sorry I myself am that I had to face HIM and face him for five damn long years..." Then for the first time I started saying some really bad words for him...First time, I didn't say that I don't want to say anything bad about anyone. I said all the bad words I could remember...And it felt so damn good... I was back in control...
The other issue... Then, I saw another request..From an old "friend"...Lying there for sooo long.. During the end of my relationship with my x, she had visited him and talked to him and helped hime to "GET OVER ME"... I hated her for this..I had stopped talking to her but even then she still sent him scraps and met him. I was never able to think, let alone think it loud, that what she did was pure evil. I justied her every time in my mind that because I stopped talking to her when she started talking to him, she did what she did. For the first time in my life, I accepted that she was WRONG. A friend does not go to meet your x, when she knows how much pain he caused her (I cried like everyday infront of her during the end of relationship). They don't tells the deep secrets & painful truths you tell them as you trust them to the same person who is the reason of that pain. No she isn't a friend..Rather, far beyond that. I BLOCKED HER too.
I felt sooooo good... Sorry for such long post... But wanted to get it off my chest.
Thanks Butterfly..Thank you so much..The support I got here is the reason for my smile today and everyday.
"Only when we are no longer afraid, we begin to live"-- Dorothy Thompson
I am no longer afraid... :-) IleneW View More Posts Reply #10 - 07/10/13 7:42am
AWESOME
Don't want to take a risk.
What is happening here??I am clueless.Please help. Watch this ishaRelive View More Posts Sorry All for suddenly barging in out of blue!!!
Some of the people who do remember me (I hope you do :-( ), I am still out and to some extent was/am with peace with my past and was/am even happy me again.
Few months back I got a fb request from my abusive (emotionally) x. I have still not done anything with it. No, I NEVER want to be friends with him. Then what is stopping me from rejecting it and blocking him.
I have no clue. I have been seeing his profile on fb. He is happily married with a son (atleast it seems so). His wife calls him a rockstar and he calls her beautiful as a moon and mention her and their son as the only two best things in his lifeline in some posts i read.
I was devasted to read that. Why??No, I don't want him back and neither will I ever reconsider letting him back. NEVER.
I am happily married too.He knows my past but I no longer talk about it to him as I know he tries hard not to show but it hurts him. We even had a rift sometime back when he thought I am not happy with him and in love with him. I am.But, I can no longer be the old isha with him or with anyone for that matter. I have learnt sadly by burning my hand and the experience shows in my behaviour. We are in a happy place now, where he understands that he loves me and I love him and things are going very smooth.
Actually, the truth is I thought that whoever he marries will never be able to love me as much as I did.I think she does, maybe even more to stick around. I actually thought he will have a broken marriage and affairs. He never had affairs when I was with him but he did always pay more attention to any girl in the group then me. He never said one single thing good about me except when I left him for good.
So what is happening here. Had I imagined all the abuse in my head. For those who don't know me, one of the emotional abuse that i had to bear was that he always said that he loves me but not that much.Atleast I thought this abuse if it is repeated like everday of your life. But he doesn't say that for her. Then, I wasn't allowed to call twice if he didn't pickup once. Then, once i forgot to wake him for a movie show as we had had a fight, he started shouting at me for being selfish and created quite a scene at the place we were staying at. I was always second to him.He even said that on my face that biggest fear you have is losing me and biggest fear i have is not making my career reach heights.
I have my sister to talk to about all this. But I wanted your unbiased opinion here.
What is going on here?? Have I become so self obsessed abt him that I am thinking too much. Or is that God's way of punishing me?? Or was the abuse just my imagination??
Really Really scared... Please help... Posted on 07/09/13, 12:43 am Send to a Friend Share This Digg Del.icio.us furl StumbleUpon Facebook Yahoo! Google 10 Replies Add Your Advice Reminder: This is a support group for Physical & Emotional Abuse. We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.
You may also create your own Member Groups where you can moderate the discussion. Advice: In adding this Advice, I ishaRelive, do promise to be nice. Email me when others reply to this topic
hope2168 View More Posts Reply #1 - 07/09/13 12:59am
i think you have post traumatic stress disorder from your ex relationship. they make us sad. it never really goes away. i would say block him from ever contacting you. if he abused you he is abusing her, for sure. i am very sorry you are going thru this. its awful what they do....... Livndadrem View More Posts Reply #2 - 07/09/13 1:09am
Well I remember you :-)
It's hard to say exactly what's going on - only you can truly know yourself. But it seems that you have fallen into the trap of allowing his treatment of you (and apparent treatment of another) to determine your worth.
Firstly, the FB stuff. There are a bunch of explanations for his behaviour. My personal best guess, since he sent a friend request, is that a lot of the stuff he does on FB, a lot of the stuff he says about her, is designed for two things - to hook her, and to hurt you. I have seen this time and again with an abuser who has apparently moved on, but everything they do is designed to make the ex feel bad about her (or him)self. Which shows HIS obsession with YOU.
Another thing about FB is that you can be whoever you want to be, because the image is controlled. A few fake smiles and a few fake platitudes, and you have a "happy relationship" full of love and caring. Doesn't mean it's true. That goes double (in my view) for people who show these things publicly (rather than just friends). To be clear, I am NOT saying that anyone who posts stuff publicly on FB is dishonest, only that an abusive ex who issues a friend request, knows he's not been blocked, and then posts all this stuff about his happy new relationship is almost certainly attempting to manipulate his ex. And is most likely manipulating his current as well.
As to how much she loves him? Again, you can NOT know the ins and outs of his relationship based on a few statuses and photos on FB. I have seen so very many stories on here of "proof" that "he loves her more than me, she's getting the best of him, so the abuse must be all in my head or all my fault". A lot of problems with this notion tho. First one is that, as I've said, there is proof of nothing (and in a great many cases, the truth has in fact come out, the next one is treated as badly as the ex was and is putting on a happy front). But the other is that even if they ARE happy, that proves absolutely nothing about your relationship, your worth or how you deserve to be treated.
Every one of us deserves to be treated with respect and decency. Whether he can treat someone else with those things (unlikely) makes absolutely NO difference to the absolute truth that you deserved those things from him. Nor does it make any difference to the absolute truth that you didn't get those things from him.
One of the problems with keeping contact with an abusive ex (and keeping them unblocked, checking their FB pages etc is indirect contact) is that it holds back the healing. It keeps the ex abuser in mind, keeps that "what if" going around and around, keeps us trying to get into their lives, their heads. The only way to truly heal in my view is to break off all unnecessary contact. Including blocking them on social media. I do get the temptation, I did the same thing with my ex for a while, kept checking his page for evidence - evidence of what? Not sure, maybe I hoped to see karma smack him in the butt? I don't know, but what I do know is that it was keeping me thinking about him, wondering about what he was doing, whether someone else was making him happier than I did, etc etc. And every minute, every ounce of emotional energy, spent on him is a minute or an ounce of emotional energy I wasn't spending on myself or my healing. So, as hard as it was, I blocked him. And it was freeing - I haven't even been tempted to look since.
The only other thing I can suggest is that if you've not had counselling with someone who is experienced/trained in abuse recovery, then I can't recommend it highly enough.
You did not deserve the abuse, the problem was his not yours, no matter WHAT the truth of his new relationship is. Stop worrying about what he's up to and focus on making your own life and relationship as happy as you can. butterfly … View More Posts Reply #3 - 07/09/13 1:20am
ok so honestly i have done the same thing.. post traumatic stress sounds like something you can name it, or that you feel like you were rejected somehow and not good enough to be loved by him. Well you were not rejected and you are good enough... you are good enough for YOU, for your husband and the people that do love you and want you around. He is the one that was not worthy of all you had to give. and abusers always abuse. My dad abused my mom and although he doesnt hit my step mom, he still tells her to shut up in front of people and talks to her like she is stupid sometimes. Well last time i heard that was in 2011. And i have seen him twice since then. They have been married for 20 years. Anyhow, you may need to just delete your facebook profile all together and stop look at other peoples lives thinking they have it better than you. Pictures and words are easy to post but reality doesnt always show through. I just deleted mine and went out to meet people and spend time with them and of course to stop looking at my ex'es profile. I ave two ex's and they have girlfriends...i already know they both have issues...one told me, the other makes is obvious...same pattern. give your love and attention to your hubby like you have and get off social networking. You will feel better. ishaRelive View More Posts Reply #4 - 07/09/13 1:28am
Thanks Hope...Thanks for the kind words...Needed them..
Livin, I can't thank you enough for what you wrote.... I want to breakfree and the only way out is to block him... And I need to do that... And I will... I was doing lot better when I had stopped visiting his pages and reading about him.
No it's NO LONGER all about him. It has to be just ME and my happiness now.
I need to re focus all my energies in the right direction now. I needed to read this soooo much...
Thanks Livin...Thanks a tonnnn.... ishaRelive View More Posts Reply #5 - 07/09/13 1:34am
Thanks Butterfly... Deleting fb may be tough as I have many friends there who only contact me through that. But BLOCKING everyone who is making my life negative. That I have to do and will have to get the courage for that.
And Livin, about counselling, I am from India and sadly here going to therapist is looked down upon..I so wish it wasn't... But that option doesn't exist for me. I hope blocking him and coming back here may help me get back on the right track again...
It was because of you all that I was able to understand my self worth and break away... Else, I would still be crying and being shouted at for making him so angry that he just had to shout... IleneW View More Posts Reply #6 - 07/09/13 9:37am
Yes, I remember you.
Much good wisdom already.
Here's what I'll add:
As long as your focus is anywhere other than on your own self-care and well-being, these issues will continue.
Begin to move your focus onto the regular and consistent practice of SELF-CARE.
SELF-CARE means making choices that contribute to your maintenance and nurturance.
It could be getting your nails done or it could be seeing the dentist, getting appropriate medical screening and doing your taxes.
It could be seeing friends or it could be checking the air in your tires before you go to see them.
SELF-CARE could be getting therapy with a qualified therapist to work on rebuidling yourself, or it could be going to a mindless movie that makes you laugh so hard you pee.
Self-care can be anything that contributes to your well-being, today and for everyday going forward.
When you do this, your focus on things that detract from your well-being, will begin to diminish and eventually become extinguished.
That's my best suggestion.
Sending you hugs and healing prayers. IleneW View More Posts Reply #7 - 07/09/13 9:43am
p.s. -----
His abuse was NOT your imagination.
You are a precious flower on the stem of the universe.
Please. . . . LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! butterfly … View More Posts Reply #8 - 07/09/13 9:41pm
sorry that seeking out therapy is frowned upon, i get it. People are so judgemental here as well as to think anyone seeking out help is weak and crazy. But not so. We are the strong courageous ones that arent hiding from our problems and pain, rather we are working it through and becoming stronger. Come here and talk to us...we will help you through it and give our best advice, wisdom, and what we have lived through. xoxox ishaRelive View More Posts Reply #9 - 07/10/13 12:40am
Thanks Ilene...Thanks for the support you provided and still do... You made me smile today. Sadly, I was again going to place where my focus was my past and my x.
It took me years to just start doing small things for myself and start seeing beauty in life again. Wanting to live again, smile again, be loved and love back again... It took time and lots of bad dayssss which ultimately led to me not waking up scared but confident and in control.
It has to be about me again...
I am telling something off track here. But this post yesterday helped me tackle another issue.
I went home and blocked my abusive x on fb. The message that came was that we are sorry that you had to face this and blah blah when I clicked on block him. The first thing that came to my mind was "You have no idea how sorry I myself am that I had to face HIM and face him for five damn long years..." Then for the first time I started saying some really bad words for him...First time, I didn't say that I don't want to say anything bad about anyone. I said all the bad words I could remember...And it felt so damn good... I was back in control...
The other issue... Then, I saw another request..From an old "friend"...Lying there for sooo long.. During the end of my relationship with my x, she had visited him and talked to him and helped hime to "GET OVER ME"... I hated her for this..I had stopped talking to her but even then she still sent him scraps and met him. I was never able to think, let alone think it loud, that what she did was pure evil. I justied her every time in my mind that because I stopped talking to her when she started talking to him, she did what she did. For the first time in my life, I accepted that she was WRONG. A friend does not go to meet your x, when she knows how much pain he caused her (I cried like everyday infront of her during the end of relationship). They don't tells the deep secrets & painful truths you tell them as you trust them to the same person who is the reason of that pain. No she isn't a friend..Rather, far beyond that. I BLOCKED HER too.
I felt sooooo good... Sorry for such long post... But wanted to get it off my chest.
Thanks Butterfly..Thank you so much..The support I got here is the reason for my smile today and everyday.
"Only when we are no longer afraid, we begin to live"-- Dorothy Thompson
I am no longer afraid... :-) IleneW View More Posts Reply #10 - 07/10/13 7:42am
AWESOME
Replies