What is going on?

Today is quickly moving up the ranks as one of my worst days in a long time. The rainy, stormy weather is making it even worse. After hearing of my Dad's roomate having a heart attack yesterday, his sister in law called last night to let me know that things were as bad as they could be. They have even contacted his priest. Mr. Lindsay("my buddy") seems to be giving up and refusing any treatment. I am afraid to answer my phone because I fear it will be more bad news. I wish I had someone to talk to but, I  know I am alone. My "other half" thinks its best to "sweep everything under the rug" so, the only comment I have heard from him is " I hope you don't let this set you back." Maybe I was never moving ahead to begin with! I thought I was getting better but as more bad things happen, the more I am doubting my own encouraging words. I had the best intentions for myself but may have been in denial. I don't think I have actually slowed down long enough to grieve/mourn properly, if there is such a thing. A lot of feelings seem to be hitting me all at once and I feel like I am going to explode on someone, something just because. I am learning that my way of handling my pain has only buried it for awhile and now it wants to emerge and show its' ugly face. I have always considered myself a strong, humorous, caring person but I have changed so much lately that I am questioning who I am. I'm so mad at the people who've deserted me, or the ones who I realize, were never there in the first place.  I feel myself retreating back into my "bubble" and do not care if anyone wants to come in. They are not welcomed, at this time. From what I've seen when I did escape, I am content to remain in there alone, if only to protect myself from the evil monsters lurking outside.  As I attempt to put the pieces of my shattered heart back together, I notice there are a lot of pieces missing and I don't know where to find them. I wonder if they will ever be recovered. I don't want to eat, don't want to sit still, cannot focus on TV or a book. I feel like I am going down a never ending sliding board. When or if I ever reach the bottom,  I must climb back up the ladder again. Maybe there is quicksand at the bottom and I won't get that chance. Although my last job was hazardous and my mind being elsewhere made it more dangerous, I have created many more problems to contend with. I have no income, the bills won't stop, no health insurance, etc. I think I should see a doctor but, I can't see that happening. Some of my "symptoms" and emotions are scaring me. My heart at times feels like it is going to jump out of my chest, I think about death (mine, but not by suicide) constantly. The storms are reapproaching so, I have to get off this computer. Losing one of my only means to the outside world could be catastrophic!