WHAT IN GODS NAME IS WRONG WITH ME

Oh my god i cant stop crying and i wanna cut i wanna cut so badly and go off my meds and quit my job and stop working and just lie in bed and cry and sleep just cry and sleep.
Tomorrow Sara will get the money I sent her and im so stressed out I dont know how she'll react or what she'll say or what will happen next.
And Im stuck in a really bad loop I cant stop watching this show parenthood its almost over thank god but I dont know why i cant just stop and not watch it. In the show there is this kid with aspergers and he makes friends with a kid in a wheel chair and invites him home and they show them playing and my friend with end stage cancer just went to the hospital and im so scared i dont know whats gonna happen.
I feel so guilty I used her I used her like I use everyone else in my life, I treated her as a means to an end. Oh shendy ur bored get a nice pet to play with, oh shendy ur lonely find some crazy person online to talk to, oooh shendy ur obsessed with getting a stupid fucking picture made of you and a girl who wont even respond to you fucking emails blackmail and guilt the sick dying girl to  labor two days to draw it for you.
well mr.silkwood what happens when she leaves? ever thought of that ever fucking given that any thought? who you gonna chat with then? whos gonna pass your time then? will you just replace her? or get obsessed with her memory like you are with saras? do you care about anyone at all? have you thought of what ur gonna do how ul make this right?
 
Its been 20 hours since I woke up I have two1000 word papers due in 4 hours I havent even started yet cuz guess what I cant get out of my loop I need to finish watching the show first. I need to get a grip on things I am losing touch with reality Im losing my mind I need to focus I must stay focused I must concentrate. 
You can do this shendy you can, remember before the physics exam freshman year at college how cold it was that night? sitting outside the library smoking then the dota then trying to cram and you wouldnt understand anything? it was you guru and johnny... you failed every course that semester, I dont remember much from that semester but that night is  crystal clear like it was yesterday I still remember the cold oh god it was soo cold
that reminds me winter is coming again god damn mother fucking cunt shit winter is coming again and its going to be freezing and lonely I miss 2009 when I had her we used to snuggle after sex and there was never any hot water where we would spend the nights so we always I would be asleep and she would go shower with cold water and come to bed all shivering and snuggle up with me for heat and we'd end up having sex again and it was beautiful god it was so beautiful.
Will those days ever come again? Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Is the misery and pain I feel right this instant real or is it just a chemical imbalance a mere symptom of my bipolarity?? Is this real or just a depressive phase? How do I know whats real or not? How do I fix this how do I make it right? Will I ever become whole again?will i ever go back to the top from where i fell. I always wondered what happens to fallen angels? After they fall from grace do they all become like Lucifer? 
Il have to ask a bible thumper but what happened to adam when he fell from the gardens of eden? I mean him and his kind we humans are supposed to do good in this life and believe in god so that some day we might return to heaven from where we fell most men give up their whole lives striving for eden but whether or not they get there is unknown to us... to anyone as a matter of fact. Does eden really even exist? Will i ever return to from where I fell? Why wont anyone come to my aid? why is there no knight in shining armor to come save me.
Sometimes I reaally wish I were shendelzare silkwood the avatar of vengeance without feeling without sympathy or care for anyone but himself but im not im not a spirit I am human flesh and bone and blood I bleed when Im cut i feel.... I think