What IF He\'s Gone, but NOT Truly Gone from Your Thoughts ?!

Okay.. Here's the Thing... My ExBf left Me... Yet AGAIN... on Sept. 17th of 2008, BUT even though that was More Than 4 Months ago now, I STILL think about Him ! I know that a BIG PART of this is MY FAULT, because I've been ALLOWING HIM to Call Me ANYTIME He wants to !!!! A BIG MISTAKE ???? YES, I'm seeing that Now... BUT even though logically I understand this, I can't seem to STOP Myself ! I allow Him to Call Me... I Talk to Him on the Phone, and AFTER EVERYTHING He put Me through in the Past, I find Myself telling Him on the Phone that I STILL LOVE HIM and that I'll ALWAYS BE HERE FOR HIM TO TALK TO.... ALWAYS BE HIS FRIEND !!!! What the Hell is Wrong with ME ????!!!! HE LIED TO ME... DECEIVED ME... CHEATED ON ME... AND ABUSED ME EMOTIONALLY, AND BODILY... WHILE HE WAS STILL HERE.... AND YET.... I'M DOING THIS ????!!!! WHY ????????I Wish to God that I knew, because I know He's NOT RIGHT FOR ME... and I KNOW that He's even TOXIC to Me on the Phone ! BUT STILL.... I feel Myself actually LONG to Hear His Voice on the Phone ! BEFORE ANYONE READING HIS GOES COMPLETELY NUTS... I HAVE TO POINT OUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT... AT LEAST I THINK IT IS.... During ANY Phone Conversation with My ExBf, I have made a POINT of saying that I CAN'T TAKE HIM BACK... when I KNOW that He WOULD NOT be able to GUARANTEE ME that He WOULD NOT End Up just HURTING ME, LYING TO ME, AND CHEATING ON ME... YET AGAIN ! He actually said in Reply, that HE KNOWS... AND UNDERSTANDS. AND YET.... He Keeps Calling Me... IS HE UP TO SOMETHING ?? I wish I could SEE INSIDE His Head ! NOW HERE'S THE ' BIGGEST TWIST ' TO ALL OF THIS.... As of JAN. 1st, I've been seeing a NEW GUY !He's VERY SWEET, and does EVERYTHING He can to Make Me Happy. He's practically the " Polar Opposite " of My ExBf ! The ONLY Thing about Him is that He told Me... " I LOVE YOU ", after ONLY seeing Me for about ONE WEEK !!!!! PLUS, Every Since He started saying " I LOVE YOU " to Me, He seems to be TRYING to get Me to say it BACK to Him.... EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS IT'S TOO SOON ! Of Course, He SWEARS that He'll be PATIENT... and that He's NOT trying to PUSH ME into saying it BACK to Him, UNTIL I TRULY FEEL IT ! So, I don't know... I just don't know... Maybe it's just My FEARS getting in the WAY ???? OR am I simply being CAUTIOUS ???? He's the SWEETEST MAN that I've EVER MET.... BUT still I can't help but wonder IF I really know Him well enough YET, to let My Heart Surrender to Him ?! What IF I say " I LOVE YOU " to Him, and then SOON AFTER THAT He starts to show His TRUE COLORS ?! HOW CAN I BE SURE THAT HE'S SHOWING ME WHO HE REALLY IS....  OR HE'S JUST BEING WHO HE THINKS I WANT HIM TO BE ??????!!!!! I told Him what I went through with My ExBf, and He's said that He'll NOT RUSH ME.... BUT what do You call practically INSISTING that He STAY WITH ME EVERY WEEKEND.... after We've ONLY been seeing Each Other for a Couple of Weeks ????! And what does that Make ME for Letting Him START to do that ??I've NEVER thought of Myself as an " EASY WOMAN ", but does this make Me ONE ???? OR MAYBE I'm just doing it out of LONELINESS ????PLUS.... the Thing is, this NEW GUY knows how Difficult it is for ME to do certain Household Things like Laundry, and Cooking, and going out to My Mailbox to get My Mail.... SO Whenever He's HERE He'll do those Things for ME ! Those Things are VERY Difficult, IF NOT Impossible for Me, because I have SEVERE OSTEOARTHRITIS IN BOTH OF MY KNEES. Walking, and Standing - BOTH... are EXTREMELY PAINFUL for Me ! I have a CANE, and a WALKER, but My Osteoarthritis is SO BAD at this Point that I Truly NEED a Power Scooter Chair. I HOPE that My Insurance will authorize Me to get one SOON !!!!!  I HATE to feel suspicious of such a seemingly WONDERFUL MAN, but I can't help but Wonder IF He's doing those Things because He's simply trying to slowly edge His Way into MY LIFE before I've Truly made a Decision about Him !!!!So as You can see by EVERYTHING I've said in this Journal Entry, I've been VERY MIXED UP lately.... so MUCH so that I've been having a Hard Time sleeping because of " IT ".... as well as because of the PAIN in My Knees !