What I want
I wanted my children to have a family--a real one. One where the parents--both of them--spend time playing games, helping with homework, going to football and soccer games to watch them, helping with homework, going on vacations, the movies, letting them have sleepovers and parties, having cookouts and get-togethers at the house, working on family problems and issues, own a home, and in general provide a safe, stable learning environment for them.
I wanted a relationship that was equal. We complement one another, we have each others' back, we talk things over, we spend good time together--we may disagree, but we do so with respect and the understanding that we don't have to agree with each other, just not demolish one another when we don't agree and assume the other is "attacking" us because they don't see things our way.
What I got.....
What I got is nothing like that. We cannot spend time with my family because he hates them--they are all white trash. We cannot spend time with my friends (of which there are very few now) because he hates them--they are all trash that tries to cause problems between us. We cannot spend time with the children as one because they are disrespectful brats and I have ruined them by telling them I love them too much and too often. He goes to the track and out with his friends and family but I am not welcome because I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. He spends any time he can at his shop because "we" need the money. He refuses to pick up even half of the bills because why should he help "me" out so I have extra money. (He makes more than double what I do, yet I pay the bulk of the bills and any incidentals the kids might need because that is my job). We cannot go on vacation together because "we can't afford it", yet he purchased an RV and renovated this summer (completely gutted it and redid it) so he and his family had something to take the track--I am selfish for not wanting them to be comfortable there! He buys cars and fixes them at least every three months. He now has four vehicles in addition to his RV but these are all investments. (Two of the cars he has had for over a year). We spend holidays with his family, but even that is uncomfortable because if any of his brothers-in-law talk to me, it causes a family battle; if I don't pay enough attention to him, it causes a personal battle. His mother and stepfather don't even want him there for holidays because he generally ruins them for everyone. We cannot talk to each other because if I dare to not agree with any of his (sometimes delusional) statements, I am an idiot and a fool. I cannot do the things I enjoy if he is home, such as read a book or play a game with the kids because that is taking from his time and I am being lazy. I cannot enjoy a football game if he is home because I am "acting too much like a homeboy" because I really enjoy football. We cannot buy a house because of something I am doing wrong. When I tried to put the kids in various activities, not only would he not go to games he made it impossible for me to take them to practices because I should be home when he needed me to be there. They will not have friends or cousins come over because they never know how their dad is going to act towards them and they are embarrassed (their words). We never go anywhere together because he doesn't like any of the things I suggest, or we don't have the money. I cannot go out with friends or work associates because he doesn't know what I am out there doing, and besides my family is first, I am too old to go out.
One thing that still bothers me immensely is the whole situation with my sister passing. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 (she was younger than me by 6 years). I was unable to spend any time with her while she was sick because I got so tired of the endless battle from me being there when he wanted me home. One Easter (less than a year after she was diagnosed) he was leaving his mother's house and asked me what time I would be home. I told him I was leaving soon and would be stopping to see her first. He screams at me (in front of his mother and sisters and our children) that "I wish she would just hurry up and die already!" When she did pass away, I was a basket case. That entire week leading up to her funeral was a blur for me. He got so angry because "Jesus Christ, it isn't as though you didn't know she was going to die!" The morning of her funeral, I get the kids ready and we are waiting at the door for him to come down as we were supposed to drive together. He comes down and starts yelling at me that I can f***ing drive myself and the kids, he refuses to ride with us because at the viewing the night before I paid too much attention to everyone else there and not enough to him. He needed me too. My nephew was 13 at the time of her passing. We do not know who his father is, but I was not allowed to take him in because.......He ended up staying with friends of the family a couple blocks from his old home because they were close and could afford to care for him. Both parents contacted me on a daily basis to talk about my nephew. On Thanksgiving, I was supposed to pick him up from their house to spend the day with us. Jeff, the father, called me. This caused me to end up with a black eye because "some man" was calling my phone.
Enough memories for one morning.
I wanted a relationship that was equal. We complement one another, we have each others' back, we talk things over, we spend good time together--we may disagree, but we do so with respect and the understanding that we don't have to agree with each other, just not demolish one another when we don't agree and assume the other is "attacking" us because they don't see things our way.
What I got.....
What I got is nothing like that. We cannot spend time with my family because he hates them--they are all white trash. We cannot spend time with my friends (of which there are very few now) because he hates them--they are all trash that tries to cause problems between us. We cannot spend time with the children as one because they are disrespectful brats and I have ruined them by telling them I love them too much and too often. He goes to the track and out with his friends and family but I am not welcome because I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. He spends any time he can at his shop because "we" need the money. He refuses to pick up even half of the bills because why should he help "me" out so I have extra money. (He makes more than double what I do, yet I pay the bulk of the bills and any incidentals the kids might need because that is my job). We cannot go on vacation together because "we can't afford it", yet he purchased an RV and renovated this summer (completely gutted it and redid it) so he and his family had something to take the track--I am selfish for not wanting them to be comfortable there! He buys cars and fixes them at least every three months. He now has four vehicles in addition to his RV but these are all investments. (Two of the cars he has had for over a year). We spend holidays with his family, but even that is uncomfortable because if any of his brothers-in-law talk to me, it causes a family battle; if I don't pay enough attention to him, it causes a personal battle. His mother and stepfather don't even want him there for holidays because he generally ruins them for everyone. We cannot talk to each other because if I dare to not agree with any of his (sometimes delusional) statements, I am an idiot and a fool. I cannot do the things I enjoy if he is home, such as read a book or play a game with the kids because that is taking from his time and I am being lazy. I cannot enjoy a football game if he is home because I am "acting too much like a homeboy" because I really enjoy football. We cannot buy a house because of something I am doing wrong. When I tried to put the kids in various activities, not only would he not go to games he made it impossible for me to take them to practices because I should be home when he needed me to be there. They will not have friends or cousins come over because they never know how their dad is going to act towards them and they are embarrassed (their words). We never go anywhere together because he doesn't like any of the things I suggest, or we don't have the money. I cannot go out with friends or work associates because he doesn't know what I am out there doing, and besides my family is first, I am too old to go out.
One thing that still bothers me immensely is the whole situation with my sister passing. She was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 (she was younger than me by 6 years). I was unable to spend any time with her while she was sick because I got so tired of the endless battle from me being there when he wanted me home. One Easter (less than a year after she was diagnosed) he was leaving his mother's house and asked me what time I would be home. I told him I was leaving soon and would be stopping to see her first. He screams at me (in front of his mother and sisters and our children) that "I wish she would just hurry up and die already!" When she did pass away, I was a basket case. That entire week leading up to her funeral was a blur for me. He got so angry because "Jesus Christ, it isn't as though you didn't know she was going to die!" The morning of her funeral, I get the kids ready and we are waiting at the door for him to come down as we were supposed to drive together. He comes down and starts yelling at me that I can f***ing drive myself and the kids, he refuses to ride with us because at the viewing the night before I paid too much attention to everyone else there and not enough to him. He needed me too. My nephew was 13 at the time of her passing. We do not know who his father is, but I was not allowed to take him in because.......He ended up staying with friends of the family a couple blocks from his old home because they were close and could afford to care for him. Both parents contacted me on a daily basis to talk about my nephew. On Thanksgiving, I was supposed to pick him up from their house to spend the day with us. Jeff, the father, called me. This caused me to end up with a black eye because "some man" was calling my phone.
Enough memories for one morning.
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