What I hide from the world
Some days I just break. It is so unlike the person that I really am and what I hide from the world. At work I am corporate and I deal with things head on and I take risks and I lead and teach and I think clearly and I AM IN CONTROL.
Then I pull over on the way home and cry my eyes out. I hurt so bad and don't know how long I can keep meaningful employment like this. I lie to my endocrnologist about how I'm really feeling because being hyperthyroid keeps me on a high that I need to do what I have to do, but when I have a crash, I wind up in the hospital. I lie to my family and friends about how I really feel but I'm actually not sleeping and waking every hour so I know that I'm not sleeping at all. I'm heading for a crash. I'm scared, but I have to make a living. I hurt so bad. 51 days until I see the Migraine doctor. I have beeing waiting 570 days. I have been in the worst pain of my life for two years and the pain killers barely work.
Am I killing myself? Probably not. Am I hurting myself? I am already hurting. I am hurting so bad, so miserable bad and I am hurting nobody else. I suffer alone and nobody really wants to hear it anyways. I am so tired of suffering. I break down every day and just cry it out. 51 days to go until I get some form of hope.
But it is so much more than that. Work is so busy and I just want to take a few days off and I can't seem to find the time. Then my father is so frail and I worry as I take him to another apointment to see what the new lump means. I take him to breakfast and he tells me of the war and the love of my mother and he cries. My father cries and my heart.....my heart melts. I love my frail father so much and I know that I will be telling this story at his wake. He is so frail now.
Later this week I take my little dog to the vet because she keeps passing out. She has a heart mummur and there is trouble with her liver. She is going to die soon. I know this. I have said goodbye to pets before, and it is never easy.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, I have a new disease.
I speak to my new friend who is deciding is she should have a risky operation. I can't help her make the decision. I've never met her but I love her. I can only witness and pray.
My best friend is in love for the first time in her life. I love to hear her talk. I cant get enough of her talking about it as it makes me happy. But she might move away to be with him. He lives in Holland. I refuse to think about it.
Yes, I have a lot on my plate and so crying on the way home is a good thing and only makes sense. I'm going to see my endocronologist this monday and I'm going to come clean and tell her how overwhelming chronic pain is and tell her how I haven't been honest. She seems like a nice person and I think she will work with me if I explain things.
I think maybe I need to see a psychologist next year if the condition doesn't get better with the Migraine doctor. The ducotomy of my work life and how I feel inside is very confusing. My lying to the doctor and internal death wish borders on suicidal. Coming here to this forum has been very helpful, but I still feel like I am treading water in a big ocean alone.
Then I pull over on the way home and cry my eyes out. I hurt so bad and don't know how long I can keep meaningful employment like this. I lie to my endocrnologist about how I'm really feeling because being hyperthyroid keeps me on a high that I need to do what I have to do, but when I have a crash, I wind up in the hospital. I lie to my family and friends about how I really feel but I'm actually not sleeping and waking every hour so I know that I'm not sleeping at all. I'm heading for a crash. I'm scared, but I have to make a living. I hurt so bad. 51 days until I see the Migraine doctor. I have beeing waiting 570 days. I have been in the worst pain of my life for two years and the pain killers barely work.
Am I killing myself? Probably not. Am I hurting myself? I am already hurting. I am hurting so bad, so miserable bad and I am hurting nobody else. I suffer alone and nobody really wants to hear it anyways. I am so tired of suffering. I break down every day and just cry it out. 51 days to go until I get some form of hope.
But it is so much more than that. Work is so busy and I just want to take a few days off and I can't seem to find the time. Then my father is so frail and I worry as I take him to another apointment to see what the new lump means. I take him to breakfast and he tells me of the war and the love of my mother and he cries. My father cries and my heart.....my heart melts. I love my frail father so much and I know that I will be telling this story at his wake. He is so frail now.
Later this week I take my little dog to the vet because she keeps passing out. She has a heart mummur and there is trouble with her liver. She is going to die soon. I know this. I have said goodbye to pets before, and it is never easy.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, I have a new disease.
I speak to my new friend who is deciding is she should have a risky operation. I can't help her make the decision. I've never met her but I love her. I can only witness and pray.
My best friend is in love for the first time in her life. I love to hear her talk. I cant get enough of her talking about it as it makes me happy. But she might move away to be with him. He lives in Holland. I refuse to think about it.
Yes, I have a lot on my plate and so crying on the way home is a good thing and only makes sense. I'm going to see my endocronologist this monday and I'm going to come clean and tell her how overwhelming chronic pain is and tell her how I haven't been honest. She seems like a nice person and I think she will work with me if I explain things.
I think maybe I need to see a psychologist next year if the condition doesn't get better with the Migraine doctor. The ducotomy of my work life and how I feel inside is very confusing. My lying to the doctor and internal death wish borders on suicidal. Coming here to this forum has been very helpful, but I still feel like I am treading water in a big ocean alone.
Replies
Angela I\'m so sorry I didn\'t get to this journal earlier... here you are calling out for support and I didn\'t hear until today. I\'m really sorry I haven\'t been here as much as usual over the last few months... I know I haven\'t been giving my friends the support that they need.
I know how bad your pain is hon... I think it\'s amazing that you manage to keep dragging yourself off to work... really I don\'t know how you manage to do it. No wonder you need to stop on the way home and let some of your pain be released through your tears! I\'m just really sorry that you keep having to do that alone, instead of having someone who you can confide in and who will let you cry on their shoulder and give you some comfort and caring.
I am glad that you are at least letting some of the pain out though... bottling it up inside can really make pain worse, and the stress of doing that can damage us physically and/or emotionally or make us more susceptible to other forms of illness.
I guess you have been to your endo dr by now... I hope you were able to be honest with her about how much you are suffering... she can\'t help you if she doesn\'t have the truth of exactly how unwell you are.
I am sending you tons of positive thoughts and healing energy Angela... along with lots of gentle comforting hugs and much love.
Take care... Gaye... xxx
dont ever think for a moment that u have to suffer alone!! i know i am not here much and i am soo sorry for that. u can say anything u need to to us.. that is why we are here for each other!! and going to therapy is quite frankly a very smart thing to do. pain can cause so much emotional stress that u have to have an outlet somewhere. i have been thinking alot about how much longer u have to wait and i am counting the days with u in spirit. until then u can cry on our shoulders anytime u need to and u dont have to lie or pretend or be strong....just let it out! caring hugs....kim