What I hide from the world
Some days I just break. It is so unlike the person that I really am and what I hide from the world. At work I am corporate and I deal with things head on and I take risks and I lead and teach and I think clearly and I AM IN CONTROL.
Then I pull over on the way home and cry my eyes out. I hurt so bad and don't know how long I can keep meaningful employment like this. I lie to my endocrnologist about how I'm really feeling because being hyperthyroid keeps me on a high that I need to do what I have to do, but when I have a crash, I wind up in the hospital. I lie to my family and friends about how I really feel but I'm actually not sleeping and waking every hour so I know that I'm not sleeping at all. I'm heading for a crash. I'm scared, but I have to make a living. I hurt so bad. 51 days until I see the Migraine doctor. I have beeing waiting 570 days. I have been in the worst pain of my life for two years and the pain killers barely work.
Am I killing myself? Probably not. Am I hurting myself? I am already hurting. I am hurting so bad, so miserable bad and I am hurting nobody else. I suffer alone and nobody really wants to hear it anyways. I am so tired of suffering. I break down every day and just cry it out. 51 days to go until I get some form of hope.
But it is so much more than that. Work is so busy and I just want to take a few days off and I can't seem to find the time. Then my father is so frail and I worry as I take him to another apointment to see what the new lump means. I take him to breakfast and he tells me of the war and the love of my mother and he cries. My father cries and my heart.....my heart melts. I love my frail father so much and I know that I will be telling this story at his wake. He is so frail now.
Later this week I take my little dog to the vet because she keeps passing out. She has a heart mummur and there is trouble with her liver. She is going to die soon. I know this. I have said goodbye to pets before, and it is never easy.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, I have a new disease.
I speak to my new friend who is deciding is she should have a risky operation. I can't help her make the decision. I've never met her but I love her. I can only witness and pray.
My best friend is in love for the first time in her life. I love to hear her talk. I cant get enough of her talking about it as it makes me happy. But she might move away to be with him. He lives in Holland. I refuse to think about it.
Yes, I have a lot on my plate and so crying on the way home is a good thing and only makes sense. I'm going to see my endocronologist this monday and I'm going to come clean and tell her how overwhelming chronic pain is and tell her how I haven't been honest. She seems like a nice person and I think she will work with me if I explain things.
I think maybe I need to see a psychologist next year if the condition doesn't get better with the Migraine doctor. The ducotomy of my work life and how I feel inside is very confusing. My lying to the doctor and internal death wish borders on suicidal. Coming here to this forum has been very helpful, but I still feel like I am treading water in a big ocean alone.
Then I pull over on the way home and cry my eyes out. I hurt so bad and don't know how long I can keep meaningful employment like this. I lie to my endocrnologist about how I'm really feeling because being hyperthyroid keeps me on a high that I need to do what I have to do, but when I have a crash, I wind up in the hospital. I lie to my family and friends about how I really feel but I'm actually not sleeping and waking every hour so I know that I'm not sleeping at all. I'm heading for a crash. I'm scared, but I have to make a living. I hurt so bad. 51 days until I see the Migraine doctor. I have beeing waiting 570 days. I have been in the worst pain of my life for two years and the pain killers barely work.
Am I killing myself? Probably not. Am I hurting myself? I am already hurting. I am hurting so bad, so miserable bad and I am hurting nobody else. I suffer alone and nobody really wants to hear it anyways. I am so tired of suffering. I break down every day and just cry it out. 51 days to go until I get some form of hope.
But it is so much more than that. Work is so busy and I just want to take a few days off and I can't seem to find the time. Then my father is so frail and I worry as I take him to another apointment to see what the new lump means. I take him to breakfast and he tells me of the war and the love of my mother and he cries. My father cries and my heart.....my heart melts. I love my frail father so much and I know that I will be telling this story at his wake. He is so frail now.
Later this week I take my little dog to the vet because she keeps passing out. She has a heart mummur and there is trouble with her liver. She is going to die soon. I know this. I have said goodbye to pets before, and it is never easy.
My head hurts, my heart hurts, I have a new disease.
I speak to my new friend who is deciding is she should have a risky operation. I can't help her make the decision. I've never met her but I love her. I can only witness and pray.
My best friend is in love for the first time in her life. I love to hear her talk. I cant get enough of her talking about it as it makes me happy. But she might move away to be with him. He lives in Holland. I refuse to think about it.
Yes, I have a lot on my plate and so crying on the way home is a good thing and only makes sense. I'm going to see my endocronologist this monday and I'm going to come clean and tell her how overwhelming chronic pain is and tell her how I haven't been honest. She seems like a nice person and I think she will work with me if I explain things.
I think maybe I need to see a psychologist next year if the condition doesn't get better with the Migraine doctor. The ducotomy of my work life and how I feel inside is very confusing. My lying to the doctor and internal death wish borders on suicidal. Coming here to this forum has been very helpful, but I still feel like I am treading water in a big ocean alone.
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