What I am Feeling Today

I don't know how people get thru this...but I know they do.  I feel like I can't breathe at times...but I know I am.  I want to die...but I don't.
It's a ball of emotions that seems to never go away.  I wish to God that there was a pill you could take to make the pain go away.  Or a pill that can take that memory away...the memory of the second you find out.  I wish there was something I could take to erase that...but I know that I am supposed to feel every emotion, shed every tear, mourn the loss of what was.  It is frightening, sad, painful...it cuts your soul to the core.  I don't understand it all.  I want to forgive, but I can't right now.  I want to forget, but I know I never will.  I don't want this to define me...I just want this to be a footnote in what I know is an amzing life thus far.  I am blessed with so many other things in my life and I know this, but tell that to my heart please...because it doesn't understand that.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hey Broken,

Sorry for the bad day. I had many of them. Wanted to say that God works in weird ways. since my Daugther went into the hosptial last week, the W and I have been in a totally different world. It has reminded us both of what we are here to do.

sometimes I think that we get so caught up on dealing with the A that we can not see anything else. Not even the important stuff.

On one of the other support groups, there was someone had basically said that they wouldnt be defined by the fact that their partner slept with another person. That in no way should they belittle themselves for their partners sins.

If I can suggest that you find one thing that is positive for you now, and focus on that.

Life can get worse, we are still dealing with the aftermath of the A, and now my daughter is on day 8 or 9 with no end in sight of leaving the hospital.

Through all of the pain , look for happiness, look for humor and laugh. Laugh like you did when you were a kid!

Sending you a very big hug!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Broken, I\'m just getting caught up on my journal replies. Sorry about that. I hate hearing you feel this way, but to tell you the truth, I too felt that way early on. Reading your comments just takes me back to the first couple of months of dday. It sickens me of what they put you through and then expect forgiveness and forgetfulness. I feel like I have forgiven, but never will I forget what hell he put me through and what I go through on a daily basis. Right now I am in the mood to scream and kick and hurt somebody. I know that is ridiculous, but I can\'t help how I feel. Know we are all in this together and that the pain does ease up. It will never truly go away, but ease up. Damn all the cheaters!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Broken, I am so sorry what you are going through. I am only a little over a week past my DDay. I am still all over the place too. I am looking for the positive things that are in my life. I know my H is very sorry for what he did and I know how much he wishes he never did. I dont know how your H is reacting to it. I think that makes a huge difference. I told my H when he wanted me to be ok and find a way to forgive him that it all depended on him. I couldnt do it alone.

I needed him to reassure me constantly, I needed him to make me feel somehow whole again. He is trying, I will give him credit. But it takes alot of time. I have even forgiven him but I havent forgotten. I dont think I will ever do that.

If he isnt taking a LARGE role in helping you through this, then you need to make him know if you are going to have to deal with this alone, then you will BE alone! I told my H that there were only two ways to go here. If I have to feel alone, feel that this is MY problem to deal with and that he was not taking a part in fixing our marriage..then there was NO MARRIAGE. I didnt do this HE did. HE made all the choices up to this point and gave me NO CHOICE. Now he has one last choice to make. Either get on board and help me get through this because I cant fix our marriage alone or move out and let me fix ME alone. If I have to go through this and feel alone too, feel abandoned to this horrible dispair, to mourn our marriage alone...then I will do that ALONE!

He was willing to do whatever I needed him to do. And he has for the most part done every single thing. It takes that to get past it. I also needed meds too but I already had an anxiety disorder before this happened so it just made it unmanageable.

The only time I am better is when I stay busy. I also use this board to get my feelings OUT. I can talk to him about how I feel but you can only beat up on them so much. No one wants to be with someone that makes them feel bad about themselves. I feel that way too, so he is really trying to do his part to make me feel better about not kicking his cheating ass to the curb!

I wish I could just forget too...but I cant. It comes back in flashes. We will be making love and he will say something or do something and I think \"did he do that with her too?\"

My prayer is this goes away with time. That i can replace my horrible feeling with good ones.

I am sending out all my prayers and hope you can get to a place soon where you can atleast have times in the day that are good. That is what I am trying to do. Find things I enjoy in the day so I can put it out of my mind if only for a while.