what have i done? I still love Brad by vader

I am writing this painful journal to let everyone know that I still love Brad.We were togther for 12 and half years and some of them were good.but for the past three years Brad actions towards me have changed and i was the victim of verbal and physical abuse.I did not know that Brad was on meth and I was on a roller coaster.They say that all meth users have signs,well (as Jack Benny) would say I never saw them.He would be very,very moody and come home mad.He was always mad and yelling at me and then all of his actions I came to question.He told me that he was unhappy with the house and with me.But the fact of the matter is and this has happened to me before,Brad could not take my bi polarism.I have good days.I have bad days,but when I am depressed watch out.I try to be a very happy person,but it isnt possible.I am trying to live a normal life with bi polar but Brad could not take all of my energy and I am not like other people.I get things doneI clean the house 3 to 4 times a week.And I take out the garbadge.I am always buying things for the house and I am always buying food.(cat food).My cat Kramer since the death of Tuffy and Tooey has been super.Kramer has been a very happy cat and she talks to me.Kramer tells me when the phone is ringing and when there is someone at the door.She also tells me when the mailman is coming and the arrival of any new cats.Kramer doesnt like the new neighborhood cats and she let them know it.She ran after an unknown cat that was in the yard and raised her paw to him.Kramer is afraid of thunder and lightining and I am trying to change this.She is afraid of storms and tells me and I put her on my bed and she sleeps the day thoroght it.Kramer was close to Brad and slept with him every night.And she loved little Tooey..they were always playing and were like sisters.Kramer mourned the death of Tooey.She wouldnt go out of her space for one3 month,but now she is all better and she is happy again.Kramer maybe a cat,,but she hates bugs..she chased an ant into a corner and stomped on it with her paw.The tears are flowing down my face as I am writing this.I still love Brad and I miss him.I have got noone in seattle to talk to.All of my friends in seattle now are retired and they have got money.One of them is going to Mexico and one may retire to Cosa Rica.I refuse to leave Seattle and i wont.I am planning a day out soon.In April...The Experience Music Museum here will open an exhibit on Nirvana and Kurt Cobain.Kurt Cobain was a big influence on my life and for awhile I dressed grunge.Why Kurt killed himself I dont know but when this happened,I just knew that I had to change my life and i hated my job at the store.I missed a lot moving here but I love seattle and i love some of the people here...in seattle I met Brad and I will always love him and I will never forget him and I will say this....The doctor told me to stop talking about Brad and start to heal.What does this mean?I told the doctor this..There have been people in my life whom I cant forget.And there were tragedies that I cant forget and even talking about it has and will always be a trauma for me.One of the events that have hurt me very much was the 1963 assassination of President Kennedy.I was 16 and a sophomore in high school when this happened and I will never forget that day or weekend.And I cant talk about it even til this day to my nieces who are studying history.I cant.And Brads death has hurt me very much because I am finding out who my true friends are and some of them have stopped calling and some just ignore me and the ones who have stopped calling..I will say to you what President Gerald Ford told the city of New York when it applied for aid...DROP DEAD! That may sound cruel but i want nothing to do with you.You were suppose to be a friend not a judge.You were not here when this happened and if you listened to my sid e of the story you may learn something instead of going to these silly parties.So now you are 62 and retired and going to parties? Why dont all of you learn to grow up? I am angry that I have been ignored.and In fact i am steeming.Brad was right about all of my fair weathered friends all they  wAnted was a good time and thats it.And I will conclude with this..I WILL NEVER GET OVER THE DEATH OF BRAD.I WILL NEVER HEAL FROM IT.BRAD LEFT ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM THE MOST AND NOW I AM AT 63 and I am totally alone.