What has happened

07/03/11
I'm back on after two weeks of being off this site. I was trying to take a break and clear my mind in order to get some professional help for my issues. Turns out I'm too poor and my family's insurance won't cover therapy so I'm screwed there.
I'm starting to get suicidal thoughts again which really freaks me out. I thought I was WAY over that by now. I just keep getting so angry at myself over every little thing and I don't know where that line of thinking will take me.
All I know is that I will never give up and I will not go out by my own hand. All my life I have been stupid, making mistakes, and not learning or forgiving. Somehow I'm not dead yet and I think it is because I have an angel or something looking out for me. Whatever is keeping me alive, I need to start pulling some of my own weight and giving it some help.
I went on my first date last week and I really enjoyed it. I think the girl I went with really liked it too. I have also been going out to bars more and making more friends. Things should be getting better right? Not so.
I want to become something that is worth something even if its just to myself. I just need to stop fighting myself at every turn and let myself become one person. This will be such a hard task for me because my mind is programmed to think as two sides. I just need both sides to come together and focus on one goal.
Here is the new goal for us as a team: I don't want to die! I want to live! LIVE!