what happend this weekend

well ya i went to a friends house last weekend...lets call her b....well b's brother j has a mjor crush on me...well ya all of us were drunk and then well j when i was laying on the couch kepts trying to go down my pants..i said no 3 times and when he wouldent listen i fiannly took off and sat beside the fire outside...j had been all over me that night and tryed to take advantage of me when i was drunk. even when i told him to back of...its scared me it brought back memeoris of times when things were worse....well brad my bf now came up with an idea to tell j that i liked someone else...and then brad had a crush on me and i had a crush on him so we decided to go out...but the thing is the next moring when we were laying togther( we didnt do anything oldy cuddle) i was scared that j would loose his temper and hit brad...luckly j  had to go to work so wasnt there when brad was...but i was scared that i was going to get raped becouse j wouldent listen to what i was saying and it scared me even worse. i hate when poeple dont listen to me and put me into situates were i cant do anything about whats happening. i dont like starting drama and there was already alot of drama that night and i didnt want to make it worse. plus i was to scared and shy to bring attention around to what was happening. so i told l and K brads cuzen and brads girlfriend what happend and that night they just told me to not couse drama..i understand why becouse there was already so much drama going on that night and they couldent and didnt want to deal with anymore. so i was really left on my own to figure things out. would they have cared if j had raped me or anything? they werent helping and they know what i ma like and how i am and how scared i get.to make it worse i hate yelling, and screaming. it makes me want to run away and cry. it makes me have panick attacks. and i remember all the times that my parents have yelled and screamd at me and hit me...and when 3 of the guys and B's house started yelling i couldent run becouse i was shivering to hard becouse i had gone swimming earleri and i was to cold and shakeing and my legs wouldent work. so it got even worse...i had fun this weekend..i got an amazing boyfriends out of it but i was also scared so much and couldent do anything when i needed to..i have this additude were i am this tough chick bitch that no one should mess with....when alot of the girls and even  guys first met me they were scared i would kick there ass but the thing is...its all pretend...i freeze when ever there is yelling and fighting and i want to run...my friends depend on me to protect them. specaill when we are in town at anytime speaclly at night and in the hicks. what if one day a fight or something happpens and they get attacted and they need me. i wont be able to do anything...i wouldent be able to protect them. i couldent stand that...what can i do ? what can i do about everythin. i am so scared and cunfused and alone. it doesnt help that i am a stupid worlthless square fat ugly uslees slut. that just makes it so much worse. when my friend K read what i wrote in my journal that line she freaked out on me and said i wasnt any of those and that it wasnt true...but the thing is...its true and i hate it.well by for now..atleast for a little bit i might write a little more later freedom-lover...Ice cold Heart...bitch out.