What exactly is "NORMAL" ?
So, I've been home all day, called in sick (that's a whole 'nother story) to work. Been thinking of "South of Town" all day. South of Town is code word that mom and I use for the casino. I've had this $100 bill since July 3rd and it just feels like it is burning a hole in my pocket. I wanna go, I wanna go. But yet, I dont. I havent been because I know that I cant smoke and it just wouldnt be fun for me. So......... I've been moping around the house, kinda lost, wondering.... "What do normal people do?" Hmm, yea, then I started thinking --- what is normal? Because I definately aint normal. To me, I guess I would define normal as being someone who doesnt gamble, someone who spends their money wisely, someone that is satisfied with staying home alone and doing nothing, someone that can find joy and excitement from doing simple things at home. I wanna be normal, dang it!!!! I think. Normal people dont get addicted to things like gambling, smoking, drinking or drugs. Normal people have a savings account. Normal people think about normal things, not about when they can sneak off to the casino, where they could get another $100 to gamble. For normal people, money has value, real value, to them. I'm not normal. Money means nothing to me. Surely if money meant something to me, then I wouldnt have pissed away thousands upon thousands like I have in the last 10 years. If money meant something to me, then I wouldnt be in such deep CC debt. A normal person would take this $100 and spend it on groceries for their family, or they would put in the offering bowl at church or they would buy something for their home with it. I'm not normal, I want to give my $100 away. Yes, give it away for a few hours entertainment. But at this point, is it really entertainment or is it commitment? Have I committed myself to the wrong God? I think I have. Normal people wouldnt do that. I wanna be normal, DANG IT!!!! It's 107 degree's outside (I swear thats what this computer says).... No wonder I dont want to mow the yard. Well, its 10:30 and I made it through the day/night without gambling or smoking --Yea for me. Didnt have a patch on today either----you guessed it, I ate half the groceries in the house. Wear patch tomorrow, definately wear patch tomorrow. Just got another months worth of patches in the mail today. I had Kasey call the quit now hotline and they sent 28 patches to her -- their mine now. They would only give me 14 but they gave her 28, must be the income variable. Anyway, I have plenty of patches. I feel myself --letting myself-- get addicted to these patches. Does that make sense? Anyway, what I was trying to say before I started rambling ---- This is how warped my concept of money is. Went to walmart to get more patches. $24 for 7. I was like, whoa, I'm not spending 24 bucks for a weeks worth of patches (same cost as ciggy's for a week). But.... I bet I would plop that money down in a heartbeat at the casino, and never think twice about it. So thats why Kasey got the patches for me, because I am so messed up in the head about money that I could not justify spending 24 dollars for something that was actually going to enhance my life, not hinder it. This is how I justified Kasey calling the hotline for me---- I bought her $30 worth of stuff @ Wal-Mart in exchange for her making the call. How pathetic is that?
Replies
OK don\'t be so hard on yourself.It\'s not going to be easy but everyday that goes by will be one day closer to saying no for good.You\'ll get better with money once you keep tucking those 100\'s away.you need to keep busy.Try catching a good movie or go out for dinner.The best thing to do is stay busy.Keep your chin up!!!there is no such thing as being normal.
I\'m not normal. I\'m an addict. What can I say? Well, I\'m an addict who\'s finally figured out, I can change, if I want to. If I want to. I know I don\'t want anybody else telling me what I should and shouldn\'t do, even if they\'re right. I\'m an addict. I almost feel like writing a discussion on my value of money, even without gambling. I still want to give it away! I don\'t want to spend it on \"normal\" things. Maybe it has something to do with gambling, because I like to feel like a big shot, a high roller, if you will. I hate to admit that, but it\'s true. I love to give my money to someone else cos\' it makes me feel good. I wonder if I\'m trying to make up for the stuff I didn\'t buy for my kids and Mark, when I was gambling? I guess I should tell you what I\'m talking about. Got my inheritance...whoa! Me, yes, an inheritance! After our mother passed away, her inheritance is being divided up between me and my sibs. Twice a year we get a little dab of $$$ from the sale of our grandparents home. Me? An inheritance? Yes. And I want to give it all away! To my kids and anyone else I can think of. Crazy! I need stuff, too. And I know passing the inheritance on is a giving thing, I know that\'s okay to do, but it\'s weird, cos\' the thought of just putting it away for a rainy day doesn\'t seem valid to me. Mark doesn\'t want me to put it in our savings acct, he doesn\'t care if I give it away. I mean it, my mind hasn\'t stopped thinking about giving it away since I got it! But when you talk about the hundred dollars burning a hole in your pocket, I want to blurt out, buy something you need, or want, or something for someone else! Be bored, if you have to be, I\'m not normal, but I can still feel boredom. I\'m grateful to be able to recognize my boredom for what it is. How many times did the kids tell me they were bored, and my reply to them was, I wish I had time to be bored! Without gambling I do. Not because gambling kept me from being bored, but because gambling kept me from feeling most everything \"normal\" in life. Boredom is normal. Gambling cos\' you\'re bored is not. I don\'t know how a \"normal\" gambler feels, but I do know I can\'t gamble like one. Call me crazy, insane, I don\'t care. If I continue to gamble I will end up insaner than I already am, maybe even dead. I\'d rather be bored! Shelia, I understand what you\'re going through, I really, really do. You\'re okay. There is no cure for our addictions, we\'re addicts, once and addict, always an addict. But that doesn\'t mean we can\'t learn to live productive life\'s without gambling. Living is recovery.
And you are not pathetic! Chin up, hold your head high! Come on, chin up, are you doing it? Now, keep doing what you\'re doing, maybe you\'re bored, but you\'re sure not boring. And if you ever figure out what normal is, let us know!
xxxooo...nothing normal about these hugs! LOL Love ya\'
Hi Shelia, Drap and Robin are right, spend the money on you, maybe go get your nails done, or go to a Movie anything just don\'t go to the casino. I admire you, you are trying to kick two addictions at the same time. I couldn\'t even think about quitting smoking at this point, I\'m just trying to stay Gamble Free and that is hard enough on it\'s own. I know what you are saying about money, I\'m the same way it has no meaning to me. I used to sit and feed Hundred dollar bills in like they were nothing, but I didn\'t want to spend my money on things I needed, that would take away from my gambling. It will get better it has to. Please just hang on.
Hugs Steph
Hi Sheila, Yup I know exactly what you mean ... I cringe at paying $30.00 for a bra, but dont\' blink an eye when I\'m feeding @2, 3 or 4 hundred into a slot machine that I\'m sure will payout LOL
Ya I\'m a gambling addict alright, but I\'ve come to the point in my life that I WANT desperately to control this addiction. Stay strong, i\'m so impressed with you kicking two addictions! Way to go ... keep strong.
It seems to be a truism that most of us would think nothing of stuffing hundreds in a machine, but hesitate to spend $20 on ourselves for something positive!!! It ceased to be real to me....it was like Monopoly money or something!
Congrats on the strength of hanging on to that hundred. Having that money is an indication your strength and power are growing....big WTG on that!
It was 108 where I live today...so I can feel your pain....more to come tomorrow :-(.....but I\'m going away for a week to a cooler place, can\'t wait!
Hang in there...you are doing great!