What does PPD feel like to me.

Its so hard to put into words how I am feeling. Its not just one emotion… it’s a flood of emotions all at once. It feels like my brain is overloading and can’t process anything.

Its more than just being cranky… being cranky can be fixed with a nap or a snack. Having PPD can’t be fixed that easily. Its more than being cranky/upset bc cranky people don’t think about hurting themselves or their baby…

What I feel is not a joke. Its not something to just “sleep off.” Its a serious issue. When you have a bad day how many times do you think about hurting yourself? When I have a bad day, that thought never leaves my mind... its constantly lingering over my head. I’ve thought about grabbing the scissors in my bathroom... or a knife from the kitchen. Maybe not enough to kill myself, but just enough to feel the pain... to let everything going on inside of me escape… to just feel some sort of relief from all the pressure and tension fighting with the emotions inside my head.

I don’t know how to get others to understand how I truly feel. But I will try to put it into words so you have an idea. Just imagine a million thoughts racing through your head all at once and no way to filter them. Imagine feelings of emptiness, feeling completely and utterly alone, extreme guilt, anxiety, not feeling good enough, anger, rage, misery, violent and sinister thoughts, constantly looking for an answer/explanation that isn’t there, extreme amounts of hatred, no desire to eat, no motivation to do anything, constant fatigue, sadness, feeling unloved/unappreciated/unwanted, feeling out of your skin/not yourself, hating yourself so much you wish you weren’t here anymore, fighting every single urge in your body not to harm yourself or your child. And then the look of fear and mortification on your child’s face when you yell at them and the instant feeling of the worst remorse you could ever imagine. The worst pit in your stomach that feels never ending and takes over your whole body until it trembles. The most horrible feeling and guilt and worthlessness in the entire world. That’s how I feel. Not just one, or two at a time, but all those emotions at once when I’m in a “bad mood” so its more than just being “cranky”

Its horrible to form life inside of your body and then have it ripped out. And then have your body piece itself back together all while trying to be your childs only food source (and at their beckon call). She relies solely on me for survival while im trying to survive each day.. and it’s a struggle. And then to have this expectation as a  mother to bond with your child and to have this all encompassing love for her. How am I supposed to love her, when I cant even love myself.

Im miserable everyday. Not because of my husband or my daughter, im just miserable bc im trying to find myself again. I know this is not me, and this is not the person I want to become. I hate the person I am now.