What do I stand for?
Theres a new song from Fun which really strikes a chord with me, especially the part that says "What do I stand for? Most nights I don't know..."
All day Friday I thought about gambling, I was looking at football lines and odds and trying to figure out how I was going to "make money" with my incredible knowledge of football. Well miraculously I looked at my bank account and realized I had no money to be able to waste it on football even though I already had all my games picked out and I really wanted to and I was sure I could win. Well you would think I should be happy and proud but I wasn't, I was unhappy all wknd. And yesterday, even though most of my predictions didn't come true, it didn't make me happy that I had saved myself from wasting the money.
Which begs the question, what is wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy right now after about 12 days of not gambling? I think part of me wants to believe the lie. I would rather have a dream in some false hope, than to not have any dreams. Sure as the sun rises my dreams were crushed after bad losses but I always somehow managed to resurrect the dream and make myself believe that the next time it would be different. Without that, I have resigned myself to knowing I will never get anywhere or do anything. I guess I don't really believe in myself or my own abilities enough to make it happen on my own because it has always felt like I just needed gambling so bad, I needed that sense of self worth, that feeling of having chips stacked in front of me, the hundred dollar bills in the pocket, I want to be a big shot or something but in the real world I am nothing but a chump with a part time job I no longer like and a never ending to-do list of chores and unsatisfying drabble.
I start off so strong, the first few days of being gamble free I know its the best decision and I felt so good, I always do. But then I hit that wall, like this weekend, when I got a paycheck on Friday and it is gone by Monday because it simply is not enough money to do all the things I want to do. I paid my bills. Paid for my car, my credit card, groceries, and its literally gone. I am looking for a second job, or a better full time job, but nothing has happened yet. I have been looking for several months now. I know that if I had been smart I would have saved some money when I was still full time before my hours got cut, but since I gambled it away now my minimal paycheck is just not enough to live on. My wife pays the mortgage but she isn't happy when I can't contribute part of it, even though she knows I am in a tough spot right now it doesn't make it easier. I have so many people that I owe money to as well, and all I can do is keep telling them I will pay them when I get it... Meanwhile gambling is starting to look like the best option for me once again.... Going and getting another payday loan so I can try one more time. For me its not good enough any more to be able to win money once, I need a source of income. I NEEEEED a source of income. I need a way to just go to the casino, put in a few hours, and walk out with a few hundred dollars. I can't let go of that dream because that dream has crushed my spirit, and if I give up on that dream now after so many long years of chasing it, I don't know what else to do. I know it is pure folly to believe I can be the one person out of 6 billion people in the world to accomplish what nobody can, and to consistently beat the odds and beat the system, and yet I want to believe it despite how stupid it may seem. I have a university degree, I am a college business teacher, I did very well in mathematics and Calculus scoring in the 90's when most people struggled to pass or chose to drop out, I know that I am a very smart person and yet I do not know what to do with my intelligence other than to try and "outsmart" the outsmartable, the casino, the odds of mathematics itself! The law says that every time I put a dollar on the game that I will get about 85 cents back, and yet I want to deny that simple truth?!?! What is wrong with me??? How do I apply myself, how do I set myself up for success in the real world? I feel so lost.
I do have dreams in the real world but they actually seem further from reality than beating the casino. To open up my own business one day. I have plenty of ideas, and half started business plans, lots of dreams but nothing to back it up. I dont have the motivation, the action plan, the time to finish, or the finances to pay for any of it.
What do I do? I was trying to create my own positive reinforcement, reciting to myself that I am a good person, a capable person, but I stopped after a few days, I just don't even know if I believe it myself! Pretty sad... but I have always lacked self confidence. My wife tells me all the time that I am attractive, and other women have from time to time as well, but yet I dont believe that either. How do I boost my confidence and change my life in order to get the things I want out of life?
All day Friday I thought about gambling, I was looking at football lines and odds and trying to figure out how I was going to "make money" with my incredible knowledge of football. Well miraculously I looked at my bank account and realized I had no money to be able to waste it on football even though I already had all my games picked out and I really wanted to and I was sure I could win. Well you would think I should be happy and proud but I wasn't, I was unhappy all wknd. And yesterday, even though most of my predictions didn't come true, it didn't make me happy that I had saved myself from wasting the money.
Which begs the question, what is wrong with me? Why am I so unhappy right now after about 12 days of not gambling? I think part of me wants to believe the lie. I would rather have a dream in some false hope, than to not have any dreams. Sure as the sun rises my dreams were crushed after bad losses but I always somehow managed to resurrect the dream and make myself believe that the next time it would be different. Without that, I have resigned myself to knowing I will never get anywhere or do anything. I guess I don't really believe in myself or my own abilities enough to make it happen on my own because it has always felt like I just needed gambling so bad, I needed that sense of self worth, that feeling of having chips stacked in front of me, the hundred dollar bills in the pocket, I want to be a big shot or something but in the real world I am nothing but a chump with a part time job I no longer like and a never ending to-do list of chores and unsatisfying drabble.
I start off so strong, the first few days of being gamble free I know its the best decision and I felt so good, I always do. But then I hit that wall, like this weekend, when I got a paycheck on Friday and it is gone by Monday because it simply is not enough money to do all the things I want to do. I paid my bills. Paid for my car, my credit card, groceries, and its literally gone. I am looking for a second job, or a better full time job, but nothing has happened yet. I have been looking for several months now. I know that if I had been smart I would have saved some money when I was still full time before my hours got cut, but since I gambled it away now my minimal paycheck is just not enough to live on. My wife pays the mortgage but she isn't happy when I can't contribute part of it, even though she knows I am in a tough spot right now it doesn't make it easier. I have so many people that I owe money to as well, and all I can do is keep telling them I will pay them when I get it... Meanwhile gambling is starting to look like the best option for me once again.... Going and getting another payday loan so I can try one more time. For me its not good enough any more to be able to win money once, I need a source of income. I NEEEEED a source of income. I need a way to just go to the casino, put in a few hours, and walk out with a few hundred dollars. I can't let go of that dream because that dream has crushed my spirit, and if I give up on that dream now after so many long years of chasing it, I don't know what else to do. I know it is pure folly to believe I can be the one person out of 6 billion people in the world to accomplish what nobody can, and to consistently beat the odds and beat the system, and yet I want to believe it despite how stupid it may seem. I have a university degree, I am a college business teacher, I did very well in mathematics and Calculus scoring in the 90's when most people struggled to pass or chose to drop out, I know that I am a very smart person and yet I do not know what to do with my intelligence other than to try and "outsmart" the outsmartable, the casino, the odds of mathematics itself! The law says that every time I put a dollar on the game that I will get about 85 cents back, and yet I want to deny that simple truth?!?! What is wrong with me??? How do I apply myself, how do I set myself up for success in the real world? I feel so lost.
I do have dreams in the real world but they actually seem further from reality than beating the casino. To open up my own business one day. I have plenty of ideas, and half started business plans, lots of dreams but nothing to back it up. I dont have the motivation, the action plan, the time to finish, or the finances to pay for any of it.
What do I do? I was trying to create my own positive reinforcement, reciting to myself that I am a good person, a capable person, but I stopped after a few days, I just don't even know if I believe it myself! Pretty sad... but I have always lacked self confidence. My wife tells me all the time that I am attractive, and other women have from time to time as well, but yet I dont believe that either. How do I boost my confidence and change my life in order to get the things I want out of life?
Replies
HI Alex, it sounds like you are indulging in what is known as \"Magical thinking\". If we can only get that big score. So what if you would have bet X amount of dollars that Arizona would have beat The Patriots yesterday. That would have been huge. Or how about that Miami beat Oakland by more than 20 points. Will you ever stop? Let\'s say you make a wager that allows you enough to open your own business, I have a feeling that you still wouldn\'t quit. We are compulsive gamblers. Our very nature won\'t allow us to quit while we are ahead. All it does time after time is chew us up and spit us out. It does not matter how intelligent or good looking we are. Addiction knows no boundaries. Alex, you say it has been 12 days, check in with yourself. I decided that I would check in with myself every 15 days, and have been able to not gamble for 48 days. That may not sound like much to a normal person, but to me that is huge. Hang tough -love, ~Estel Ps. I am going to post some of this to the regular board, hope you don\'t mind. Love you. ~atticus
Thats all so true, thanks for taking time to read and comment, it is so valuable to know I have friends who are watching and thinking and ready to kick my butt for being so silly! I have been reading some of the other board posts and one thing that stuck out is that the decision to not gamble is so much harder than the decision to gamble, once you give in the demons don\'t bug you any more, its staying away that is terrifying! And as much as I hate to admit it, maybe its true that enough would never be enough, maybe I am actually a greedy person and I trick myself into thinking that I am doing it for all the right reasons, to pay people back and to give great gifts but that is almost as delusional as thinking that I can win - I rarely give anything away and keep feeding the habit first and for many years have only bought family and friends gifts if I happened to win that day or that week... shameful :( The last few times I went to gamble I was even thinking to myself that I have to believe I can win or else its pointless in going... well I have to believe its POINTLESS IN GOING!
and please share or repost anything you wish! -hugs :)
Hi Alex, retaann here. Your journal post struck me with a thought wanna pass on to you, see what u think.....You talk about getting another job to help with finances, etc, and so u can spend a few hours gambling to get a few hundred dollars. Well, I\'m on Social Security and have part-time nanny job. My nanny job has given me almost $7000 this year of which I haven\'t a cent due to gambling. Anyway, I\'ve decided I\'m going to quit my job partly so I won\'t have any extra money to gamble. Sort of the opposite of what you\'re thinking.....does that make any sense? Take care friend, retaann