what do I do now? Questions?

After the shock of losing Brad and the lost of his financial support,and I am in mourning...what do i do now?I mean..how do I act? What do I say? I am in a big awe.Brads death has really hurt me.And the pain in my heart just wont go away.My social worker told me that Brad planned his death and i believe it.I told him on several occasions that I will be 62 and start a new life.Brad did not understand a new life.Look...I happen to resent that fact that I cant do what I planned for the past 25 years.I like to travel ,go to the ballet,movies ,art,musuems and presidental libraries.I like to go to the off beat places.I have been a lucky person because I won tickets when i was 8 years old to see The Rin Tin Tin Show.It was held at Madison Square Garden and it was a rodeo.I was 8.This was in 1955.But why I remember this is because my father took me.My mother didnt want to be bothered with me after I was 8.She abandoned me in 1955.The family began to have problems.We had problems concerning money and such because mother did not work but mostly we had a lot of grief over my oldest brother.Frank was going thru a very difficult time and in 1955....THERE WAS NO HELP AVAILABLE.My father did not know what to do.He had noone to talk to.He was trying and so he began a life committment to the arts and books.He loved books.so do I.I have got no patience with people today who dont read a least a paper.Half of the people that I have met...well...they dont read the paper or watch tv.They say tv is full of violence.Well,excuse me! How are you going to get that promotion and sales job if you dont know what is going on? If you want to be stupid that is fine...please dont blame the economy...blame your lack of interest in current events and everyone needs to be aware of their surroundings.People who are not aware of todays surroundings and are not aware of this and that....often end up with the shorter end of the stick.Brad did.Brad believed that these people were his friends and he couldnt understand that they were not.In the end,Brad lost and i refuse to have anything to do with them.And they know it.Noone has contacted me and amen to this.My late grandfather had a placque in his place of business it read BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER.And it meant just that.Be careful who you bother with.Some people aint nice at all and Brad learned the hard way...he learned it with his life.