What do I do now...

two sat night ago (1aug09)my fiancee - a recovering drug addict - took my truck and went to use - while he was under the influence - my truck was stolen - as least that's his story, and he's sticking to it...so what do i do now... for that first week...i marinated in my anger...i screamed...i cried...i felt sorry for myself...i went to church on sunday...i marinated in my anger...i went to church on wed evening...i marinated in my anger...i finally went through my weekly bible study last saturday...i marinated in my anger...i went to church again on sunday...i'm still angry...but it's subsiding...a little now...so i've been doing my daily bible study...and here is what i am learning and feeling... The Power of a Clear and Gentle Heart... Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth... Meek : Gentle but Strong : Strength that is under control and tinged with a spirit of caring... One of the things I admire most about my mom, is her ability to be in a state of controlled anger for about 5-10 minutes and then return to a normal state of emotions like nothing ever happened…and I’ve always tried to be that same way…and it’s pretty easy with the people I love…because somehow I never allow my anger to overcome my love…but sometimes, it’s just so hard…my sister-in-law is a good example…I have to love her from afar…because I don’t like the choices she makes…I can see around the corner and see the severe consequences of her bad choices and that hurts me because I know that soon she will be suffering those consequences…so I choose to love her from a far…and just listen to her…and help her as best as I can…but sometimes…I just want to knock her over the head and that’s when I have to pull myself away from her…but how do I pull away from someone I am in a relationship with…from someone who knows how to help themselves but chooses not to…how do I pull away from someone I am in love with and don’t want to cause any pain or suffering to but who is causing me all the pain and suffering…how do I do that?... Dear God…You know all to well the background story to this struggle that I am going through right now…You know that I’ve been in this relationship with this recovering drug addict for 6 years now…He has brought me through the darkness and pain of my divorce…he has broken through that wall that I built up after my divorce…and he has given me the strength to forgive and move on…and love again…with him…only to be betrayed, hurt, and angered more severely, more deeply…by him than by anyone else I know…Why?…what do I do now…I love him…but I don’t like him…I love him, but I don’t need him…I love him, but I don’t trust him…I love him, but the very site or sound of him, angers me and reminds me of the betrayal, pain, and anger that I’ve had to endure because of him…My head and others who have been in similar situations tell me to get rid of him and take care of myself…and that make sense…but I can’t do it because I love him…I know and love the real person behind the addiction…I know and love the real person he can be…and that is a loving, caring, person…who would never intentionally hurt me or anyone else…it’s the addict persona that I don’t like, that I don’t need, that I don’t trust, and that angers me to the point that I don’t want to have anything to do with him…so what do I do now…how can I be strong in gentleness and humily within the direction of Your love… People who aggravate me: Right now it’s C, M, M people, and unfortunately my M…but most specifically C(my boyfriend/fiancee') …because every time I see or hear C…I remember what he did…every time I think about him or am reminded of him, I remember what he did…and I get angry…VERY ANGRY…and I don’t want to forget what he did…so how do I “gentle” my reactive feelings…how do I get over this…and what can I do to ensure that it doesn’t happen again…I don’t know…but one of the reasons I haven’t done anything around the house these last couple of days is because everything in this house reminds me of C…and right now I don’t want to do anything that helps him or benefits him…because I am reminded of what he did to me…and I get very angry…it’s the same way with my son…every time I pay his probation fees…every time I remind him to call his PO…every time I take him to see his PO…or even every time I get something in the mail that reminds me of what he did…I get angry…but its different with my son…I can control my reactive feelings with him…with C, the wound is still raw…and I can’t control my reactive feelings too well right now…so what do I do…Allow God’s presence to “gentle” your reactive feelings…Practice God’s gentling presence in preparation for you next encounter with them…Allow God’s presence to “gentle” your reactive feelings…Practice God’s gentling presence in preparation for your next encounter with them…Allow God’s presence to “gentle” your reactive feelings… Jesus described himself as meek... MEEK = GENTLE BUT STRONG = Strength that is under control and tinged with a spirit of caring… How do i react to this latestest trial with a meek heart...What would Jesus Do?...-DepressedRecluse-