What bullshit
This is unbelievable. I cannot take any of this anymore. It is so depressing. I am writing for someone to hear me out and just validate my feelings, or save my face. I don't believe in god or anything out there. Maybe I believe in chance that someone will understand my suffering and will hear me. I am writing to aquit myself from an evil that I have not done.
It is so painful and ridiculous. I am so sad writing this. I have nowhere to turn. I thought that I can talk to my mom but she is in so much pain too that she cannot even hear me. I am so angry beyond belief. I am so frustrated. My blood is boiling. I have been building myself up from very bad suicidal thoughts and hoping for some hope and what I encounter is narrow minded dad who doesn't not understand a thing. It is incredible. He is really going to kill me at the end. By kill me I mean drive me so angry and nuts that I do something harmful and harm myself. There is no recognition whatsoever that I am not feeling well and for me to actually say I do not want to go to my uncle's house. This does not register with my dad and if I dare discuss this with him he will eat me alive. I will have my 1/2 sentance in and then he will just plummet me with all sorts of arguments that will hurt me and just bury me under a rubble of words.
I cannot say I do not want to go to my uncle's house because I am not feeling well. This statement is not in my dad's dictionary. For him it is important to bite the bullet and suck it up to please people. It is important to put aside what is hurting me and just go and smile to people because that will at the end make me happy. Fuck happy I am miserable. As bad as I am feeling it is important to go and show up to the place. How retarded is that. Forget retarded I just don't want to go. Why do I have to go. I don't want to go. That's it. I don't want to hear anything anymore. What the hell.
So yesterday I decided if my dad wants to play this game of either my way or the highway, I will play mine too. This is not the first time I do this, but before they left the house in about 15 minutes, I slipped out the backdoor and went for a walk. I sent my mom a message telling her that I am going to the corner store to buy something and that I will see them later. I told her that I am sorry it was better to do that but that I feel that they do not hear us when we ask for something. If this is how they want to play it, this is how I am going to respond. I just cannot stand my dad anymore. He is a relidious nut case. I believe (as all the religious nut cases do) if you assert your idea even more that will reform the person in front of you. This is crazy talk. I cannot believe it. My dad is just playing on my nerves. This is not how things work. Positive affirmations is how things go ones way not strong opposition to what the other wants.
So I left last night and then came back home. Of course that is not the greatest thing to do but I am going to extremes to avoid my dad. There is nothing in common between my dad's thinking and my thinking that if we sit together we will find common ground. He has moved so far to the right and I have moved so far to the left. There is nothing that is mutually inclusive between us. My sister can roll with the punches and can give my dad a one two punch and work out something with him. I cannot. They both agreed yesterday that she would go for 45 minutes and then leave. This for me is even more impolite than not going at all. It is like they are teasing the people who are going. They are saying ok I am coming for a little while but screw you all there are some people who are more important than you who I have to go meet. I could not do that. I am so depressed. I couldn't go for a little while and then leave. I just couldn't. I was feeling so down that I didn't want to go at all. Is that very hard to understand. I am feeling horrible, just horrible.
I might have gained some ground into trying to find a job and now I feel so sad all over again. Till when am I going to stay in this vicious circle.The most disturbing this is that I rely on my dad for money as I am not working. It is just humiliating. It is so sad. Someone please save my face. It is just incredibly painful. I hate me dad. I hate him I hate him I hate him. What a jerk. Opportunistic jerk. I don't want to stop writing because if I do it means that I go outside and face him. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to face him. He is a fucking asshole. An asshole. I am so upset. I don't want to do anything that has to do with him. He has hurt me so much with his words and I never talked back at him. He is an asshole a really fucking jerk. I am taking medication that might help me with my mood but what kind of mood is going to lift up with this kind of attitude. What a fucking asshole. He is a racism and a hateful jerk.
It is so painful and ridiculous. I am so sad writing this. I have nowhere to turn. I thought that I can talk to my mom but she is in so much pain too that she cannot even hear me. I am so angry beyond belief. I am so frustrated. My blood is boiling. I have been building myself up from very bad suicidal thoughts and hoping for some hope and what I encounter is narrow minded dad who doesn't not understand a thing. It is incredible. He is really going to kill me at the end. By kill me I mean drive me so angry and nuts that I do something harmful and harm myself. There is no recognition whatsoever that I am not feeling well and for me to actually say I do not want to go to my uncle's house. This does not register with my dad and if I dare discuss this with him he will eat me alive. I will have my 1/2 sentance in and then he will just plummet me with all sorts of arguments that will hurt me and just bury me under a rubble of words.
I cannot say I do not want to go to my uncle's house because I am not feeling well. This statement is not in my dad's dictionary. For him it is important to bite the bullet and suck it up to please people. It is important to put aside what is hurting me and just go and smile to people because that will at the end make me happy. Fuck happy I am miserable. As bad as I am feeling it is important to go and show up to the place. How retarded is that. Forget retarded I just don't want to go. Why do I have to go. I don't want to go. That's it. I don't want to hear anything anymore. What the hell.
So yesterday I decided if my dad wants to play this game of either my way or the highway, I will play mine too. This is not the first time I do this, but before they left the house in about 15 minutes, I slipped out the backdoor and went for a walk. I sent my mom a message telling her that I am going to the corner store to buy something and that I will see them later. I told her that I am sorry it was better to do that but that I feel that they do not hear us when we ask for something. If this is how they want to play it, this is how I am going to respond. I just cannot stand my dad anymore. He is a relidious nut case. I believe (as all the religious nut cases do) if you assert your idea even more that will reform the person in front of you. This is crazy talk. I cannot believe it. My dad is just playing on my nerves. This is not how things work. Positive affirmations is how things go ones way not strong opposition to what the other wants.
So I left last night and then came back home. Of course that is not the greatest thing to do but I am going to extremes to avoid my dad. There is nothing in common between my dad's thinking and my thinking that if we sit together we will find common ground. He has moved so far to the right and I have moved so far to the left. There is nothing that is mutually inclusive between us. My sister can roll with the punches and can give my dad a one two punch and work out something with him. I cannot. They both agreed yesterday that she would go for 45 minutes and then leave. This for me is even more impolite than not going at all. It is like they are teasing the people who are going. They are saying ok I am coming for a little while but screw you all there are some people who are more important than you who I have to go meet. I could not do that. I am so depressed. I couldn't go for a little while and then leave. I just couldn't. I was feeling so down that I didn't want to go at all. Is that very hard to understand. I am feeling horrible, just horrible.
I might have gained some ground into trying to find a job and now I feel so sad all over again. Till when am I going to stay in this vicious circle.The most disturbing this is that I rely on my dad for money as I am not working. It is just humiliating. It is so sad. Someone please save my face. It is just incredibly painful. I hate me dad. I hate him I hate him I hate him. What a jerk. Opportunistic jerk. I don't want to stop writing because if I do it means that I go outside and face him. I don't want to go outside. I don't want to face him. He is a fucking asshole. An asshole. I am so upset. I don't want to do anything that has to do with him. He has hurt me so much with his words and I never talked back at him. He is an asshole a really fucking jerk. I am taking medication that might help me with my mood but what kind of mood is going to lift up with this kind of attitude. What a fucking asshole. He is a racism and a hateful jerk.
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