what am i waiting for

Well its been a little time since I updated my journal. I keep telling myself I should do it and get things into the open but never seem to get round to it. for some reason I keep thinking about it but not doing it. I suppose that's what it must be.
 
Christmas is coming and will be glad when its been and gone. this will be the second Christmas alone the last one I can not remember at all (Deb passed away few days before Christmas last year) I find myself wondering what I am waiting for is it the counting of time. this will be 12 month, 52 weeks, 365 days since my heart broke. It isn't a celebration its no excuse for a party but why is it that I wait for that day that awful day to come round.
The closer it gets the less I seem to be able to focus on anything else.
 
why is the mind so fixated on numbers.