What am I doing with my life...?

I don't know. Things have been really bad for the last week. We reconciled right before Christmas and have had our ups and downs since then. I spoke with my therapist and she said to not ask him if he's "in" love with me before he mentions it because when he answers that question it won't mean as much as if he had just said it himself unprompted. She said that we don't even know what "in" love means to him. Well, I didn't ask him. But we were tense with each other last Thursday due to arguments we had the weekend before and we decided to talk about how we were both unhappy and what to do about it. During that conversation he said he wished he was happy and that things were better and that he could wake up in the morning and be "in" love with me and that it seems to be taking a long time etc. And I started crying because it's still hurtful to hear him say that after all of these months. 

He hasn't done any of the things he said he would do when we got back together. At that time he held me and promised me emotionally that 2017 would be better than 2016. He said he would go to the gym. He has acknowledged that he needs individual therapy and doesn't want to go, and also won't go to couples therapy.

I try coming up with new things for us to do, and he won't do them because he's not interested in the activity. But he can't think of anything for us to do together either. This weekend when I confronted him on that issue he said that my company is not incentive enough to do something he wouldn't normally do, even if its something I would enjoy. I started hanging out with him and his friends like he always requested that I do and he is miserable the whole time, even when I am having fun. He told me this weekend that he doesn't have fun with me. That things he used to find cute, now aggravate him even though he knows they shouldn't. 

What am I doing? Why am I with this man? I asked him several times this weekend if he wants a divorce and he says "no, not really." No not really?!? Thats like saying you "kind of" want to be married. If he had told me 15 years ago that he "kind of" wanted to marry me I would have laughed at him. Why am I subjecting myself to this hurt over and over again? Is he even the same person I love anymore? What am I doing?!?!?!?!?!?

I feel like he only told me he changed his mind about divorcing me because he was afraid of a future alone. I know I deserve better than this. A dog deserves better than this. I know I have to make the decision soon but I'm not ready yet. I wish I could just let go.