What am I doing here..?

im sitting...

no lying here waiting for...

no hoping for it to get better yet things just get worse. I just lost my friend... my maybe best friend and all I hear come out of her mouth beside jokes is mean stuff directed at me... Like how she talks bad about Christianity knowing that I’m a Christian and knowing that I’m listening and don’t like what she says. How she calls me a sloth even when I comment on how it’s one of the seven deadly sins... I’m just done. I could handle bullying but not when it’s my “friends” saying things about me... I just... I want things to be good... happy... every night I feel like crying and have the worst time trying to fall asleep and every morning I put on a smile and cover what scars I have so I don’t get pushed around or put away... I’m done... It’s stupid but I’m jealous of a lot of other people’s friendships. I want to have a friendship where we could do something dumb or get something  insignificant and yet when either one leaves (or dies) the other person will keep it in remembrance... but I’ll never have something like that... my life’s in shambles and I... I just want a break.