What am I doing?????
I guess everyone who advises no contact has a reason for that. I guess someday I will learn my lesson.
It started Friday with texts - Do you have my truck key? Yes, I did. He also said he had some of my stuff that was left at the house. We arranged for me to come by on Saturday to exchange stuff. All nice & friendly.
Saturday I texted him about what time to come by. No answer all day. Finally at about 6, he responds apologizing, saying he has been ill with a bad headache for two days & has been having a hard time with things that he needs to do in his life. He wrote "I need your help with some things." Sooo somehow I read into this that he is realizing that he needs rehab. I know, big stretch on my part, but that's where my brain went. He had just told me that he wasn't feeling good & that he needed my help. I put the rest of it in. We left it at he would text me today & I would come over.
So just like old times, I wait around all day for his text & run right over when it comes at about 4:00. Turns out he needs my help with things on the computer & to sign in on Netflix & where are his insurance papers.
He asks how I'm doing & I tell him about apartments I'm looking at & he then tells me that even if I get an apartment I probably won't be able to make enough for the rent. AND then says he's claiming me as a dependent on his income taxes. I told him I don't think he can because1was not his child or his wife & that if he did, he would have to include my income. He says he never saw any of that. I did pay for all groceries, booze, trips & cigarettes for 10 months which added up to a LOT of money, but hey.
Anyway the conversations kept going from here to there to everywhere. To each apologizing, agreeing to try to be friends, back to him telling me everything I did wrong. He would admit to drinking too much & losing his temper, but excused it by the stress of his mom dying. He said we had four & 1/2 years of B.S. & then he tells me I was the only woman for him. He tells me he misses me all the time & then says he's never been better & can't wait to go out & find the right woman for him. WHY DO I EXPECT HIM TO MAKE SENSE?
AND he hits me up for sex like 4 times. I laugh it off each time. Yes I was tempted, I am not proud to say. That part was always really good, unless he was too drunk.
The REALLY REALLY upsetting thing about it, was how much I caved to him in that short time. All the things I wanted to say but didn't. AGAIN I found myself agreeing with him when I f**ing don't. AGAIN I was telling him what he wanted to hear. I was there one hour & it sent me backwards so much.
Then I leave & the texts start. He tells me he had planned to buy me an engagement ring for Valentine's Day. (OMG that is scary) He is so sorry. He just needs to see me one more time to make things right. He feels so bad about the way things were & the things he said today. YADA YADA YADA
I am so stupid. Okay, back off. I won't say I'm stupid, because I need to be my best supporter. I just blew it again. I'm just a slow learner.
It started Friday with texts - Do you have my truck key? Yes, I did. He also said he had some of my stuff that was left at the house. We arranged for me to come by on Saturday to exchange stuff. All nice & friendly.
Saturday I texted him about what time to come by. No answer all day. Finally at about 6, he responds apologizing, saying he has been ill with a bad headache for two days & has been having a hard time with things that he needs to do in his life. He wrote "I need your help with some things." Sooo somehow I read into this that he is realizing that he needs rehab. I know, big stretch on my part, but that's where my brain went. He had just told me that he wasn't feeling good & that he needed my help. I put the rest of it in. We left it at he would text me today & I would come over.
So just like old times, I wait around all day for his text & run right over when it comes at about 4:00. Turns out he needs my help with things on the computer & to sign in on Netflix & where are his insurance papers.
He asks how I'm doing & I tell him about apartments I'm looking at & he then tells me that even if I get an apartment I probably won't be able to make enough for the rent. AND then says he's claiming me as a dependent on his income taxes. I told him I don't think he can because1was not his child or his wife & that if he did, he would have to include my income. He says he never saw any of that. I did pay for all groceries, booze, trips & cigarettes for 10 months which added up to a LOT of money, but hey.
Anyway the conversations kept going from here to there to everywhere. To each apologizing, agreeing to try to be friends, back to him telling me everything I did wrong. He would admit to drinking too much & losing his temper, but excused it by the stress of his mom dying. He said we had four & 1/2 years of B.S. & then he tells me I was the only woman for him. He tells me he misses me all the time & then says he's never been better & can't wait to go out & find the right woman for him. WHY DO I EXPECT HIM TO MAKE SENSE?
AND he hits me up for sex like 4 times. I laugh it off each time. Yes I was tempted, I am not proud to say. That part was always really good, unless he was too drunk.
The REALLY REALLY upsetting thing about it, was how much I caved to him in that short time. All the things I wanted to say but didn't. AGAIN I found myself agreeing with him when I f**ing don't. AGAIN I was telling him what he wanted to hear. I was there one hour & it sent me backwards so much.
Then I leave & the texts start. He tells me he had planned to buy me an engagement ring for Valentine's Day. (OMG that is scary) He is so sorry. He just needs to see me one more time to make things right. He feels so bad about the way things were & the things he said today. YADA YADA YADA
I am so stupid. Okay, back off. I won't say I'm stupid, because I need to be my best supporter. I just blew it again. I'm just a slow learner.
Replies
Honey, don\'t be hard on yourself. Really don\'t. Of COURSE he is going to push all your buttons. All those reactions you\'ve learned are going to be there for a while. It takes time to require your brain and that\'s part of why NC is so important. Having said that, it\'s not always possible or realistic to have zero contact. Don\'t beat yourself up for how you responded to him, it\'s just what\'s going to happen. Accept it and then just get right back on the wagon! It\'s never how many times you fall that counts -- it\'s how many times you get up. Your strength of purpose and increasing clarity have been shining through your posts. What you did today was super-hard so just be gentle on yourself. xo
*rewire your brain (not require!)
How many days did you have NC? Those days count. They were important learning days. Now you have your reasons for leaving even more validated. As a warning, mine finally did have to use the excuse \"I am ready for rehab and I need your help\" I did help and he went, blaming me for it the whole time and started drinking the moment he was released. We are all fooled by those gems.
But what happens today?
Don\'t give up, keep moving forward. You have made a choice (to leave that toxic man) don\'t let him mess you up. You know what will happen if you take him back, same thing as always. I know you love him, I know you feel sorry for him, I know you want to help him but REMEMBER how many time\'s you\'ve already done this. He has to take care of himself, you can\'t fix him but you can fix yourself and you are on that road. Keep going. Don\'t fall for his excuses. Every excuse they throw at us makes us think we\'re the ones with the problems and I know I did end up questioning myself and over thinking \"maybe it\'s me\". NC is critical in our healing and don\'t feel bad when you slip, we\'ve all done it and yes it sets us back (10 steps forward, 3 back) not a big deal........you can do this. The hard part is done.....you made the decision, now follow through..................you are amazingly strong and you are a source of inspiration for others in this kind of relationship. Be tough girl, you can do this, you have come so far in your new journey. Sending you hugs!!!!!!!
Thank you for your support. I\'ve decided this morning to read all my journal & discussion posts. I need to read what I wrote. I need to be stronger in this. You are right, he just wants a woman he can control. I DON\'T HAVE TO BE THAT WOMAN.
I read this quote that says \"talk to yourself like you would talk to a close friend\" I want to get better at that. I know my thinking is a work in progress.
I could relate to your share and it reminded me of my own experience. You are not alone.
Self awareness is half the battle, know you\'re doing great.