What a shit day
Had lunch with my soon to be ex wife. Had a good talk durning and even after work before my 3rd SAA meeting. She seemd to be caring and understanding about what I was doing, I felt as if there was some progress.
The meeting ends, I'm drained, physically and emotionally. Her and I talk on the phone, I'm trying to explain to her why I'm feeling the way I do. I tell her at one point that I'm just broke, done with living by lying. She uses that and confronts me about things I'v e done while we were married. I kept telling her I wasn't ready for this, I couldn't emotionaly do this especially over the phone. She keeps badgering me until finally I break more and admit to having an affair while we wer married. She flips out, tells me what I already know, that I'm just a poor excuse for a husband, I'm a piece of shit. She tells me how bad this has devastated her and what it's done to her faith with future relationships.
So I go from thinking I'm on the right path for the first time in my life, maybe being able to change this 30 year cycle, to now I don't know what to believe in. My strenth and willpower are so low now. I laid down last night and truly for the first time just wished I didn't wake up. But here I am this morning, awake and the reality is, I'm just the same fucked up person I was yesterday.
If I could drop my status below Horrible I would. Horrible would be an upgrade to where I'm feeling know.
The meeting ends, I'm drained, physically and emotionally. Her and I talk on the phone, I'm trying to explain to her why I'm feeling the way I do. I tell her at one point that I'm just broke, done with living by lying. She uses that and confronts me about things I'v e done while we were married. I kept telling her I wasn't ready for this, I couldn't emotionaly do this especially over the phone. She keeps badgering me until finally I break more and admit to having an affair while we wer married. She flips out, tells me what I already know, that I'm just a poor excuse for a husband, I'm a piece of shit. She tells me how bad this has devastated her and what it's done to her faith with future relationships.
So I go from thinking I'm on the right path for the first time in my life, maybe being able to change this 30 year cycle, to now I don't know what to believe in. My strenth and willpower are so low now. I laid down last night and truly for the first time just wished I didn't wake up. But here I am this morning, awake and the reality is, I'm just the same fucked up person I was yesterday.
If I could drop my status below Horrible I would. Horrible would be an upgrade to where I'm feeling know.
Replies
Do you have a sponsor at SAA? If not, find one and keep calling the guys from the group. You might want to minimize contact with your soon to be ex wife until you have a longer sobriety under your belt and are stronger in your recovery to deal with it. If you do have a sponsor, call him and tell him how you feel. Odds are great that he\'s been there too. Then start learning about the steps and working them. He can help you with that. Hang in there, it gets better, but it does take a while.
Thank you, and I don\'t yet. Not sure quite yet how to go about getting a sponsor, but again only been to 4 meetings so far.