What a poop show...
Wow... it's been over a year since I last posted a journal entry. Before I get into the reason that drove me back here, I'm going to recap the big events my year:
- Nephew, T, was born in April. He's a cutie with bright blue eyes and an infectious giggle/smile.
- I graduated from college in June. Got a temporary job at the local hospital in my field 3 days after grad.
- Got a permanent position on a different floor a few days before Christmas.
Yup. That's it. That's all that's happened of note. Not bad, but still lacking one thing, in my opinion. Now, on to the reason I came back and wanted to post this journal. Something happened yesterday that was horrible and I knew of all the people I knew, those that I talked to on here would be the only ones to fully understand how I feel right now.
Yesterday was a long and tiring day, so when I got the message at about 9:45 pm in a group chat of ultrasound pictures from the most irresponsible (with men) woman (we'll call her B) in the group, I went numb. My brain tried to convince me that it wasn't what I initially thought it was. Then another woman in the group (we'll call her H) instantly demanded to know if B was pregnant, and I knew my initial thought was correct. Third, and last, woman in the group (we'll call her P) chimed in with a "wtf?" and then a picture of an engagement ring was sent.
Now B hasn't had a steady relationship with anyone for as long as I've known her, which granted isn't long. She likes to date around. Also, she has a 3 year old son, who is adorable. So, to me, news of her being pregnant was really upsetting. I sat here, at my desk, and cried. Both because I was upset and because I knew, in a perfect world, I shouldn't be upset.
Then H suddenly sends "You two are butts." to the convo, and instantly I knew it was all a joke. A horrible, horrible joke. B and P had decided to prank H and me. I grew angry, absolutely pissed, I lashed out at them before breaking down completely. I spent 20 minutes on the bed with DH holding me crying so hard my entire body shook with each sob. When I looked at the conversation again, I saw only one message there. An apology from B saying she didn't know. Which, honestly, I have talked to the whole group about wanting, but not being able to have thus far, children. H and I have talked in front of B about whether or not DH and I plan to adopt.
P has known for a long time that I have unexplained infertility. She was in on this joke and apparently didn't think that it may hurt me. I'm not sure if she did or didn't really, as she didn't apologize for her part in it.
After taking a hot bath to calm down, and clear my already infected sinuses, I spent an agonizing hour beating myself up for my reaction. My anxiety riddled brain even went so far as to apologize to the group (yes, I actually typed out and sent a message without thinking) for overreacting and being a jerk. But I know it wasn't me who was the jerk, and I feel, now anyway, that I had every right to react the way I did.
Today, I can't even sit and process my conflicting feelings, as I currently have a roofer inspecting and attempting to repair a leak in my roof and then I have to go to the doctors early this afternoon. I may not even get time to relax tomorrow, as I may end up going to my parents place for my brother's birthday.
I can't believe that after nearly 9 years of trying, I haven't become numb to this. Yet at the same time, I know I'll never become numb to the pain of BFNs and other people's BFPs. Damn it, I wish I was "normal" so I didn't have to feel this crap anymore.
- Nephew, T, was born in April. He's a cutie with bright blue eyes and an infectious giggle/smile.
- I graduated from college in June. Got a temporary job at the local hospital in my field 3 days after grad.
- Got a permanent position on a different floor a few days before Christmas.
Yup. That's it. That's all that's happened of note. Not bad, but still lacking one thing, in my opinion. Now, on to the reason I came back and wanted to post this journal. Something happened yesterday that was horrible and I knew of all the people I knew, those that I talked to on here would be the only ones to fully understand how I feel right now.
Yesterday was a long and tiring day, so when I got the message at about 9:45 pm in a group chat of ultrasound pictures from the most irresponsible (with men) woman (we'll call her B) in the group, I went numb. My brain tried to convince me that it wasn't what I initially thought it was. Then another woman in the group (we'll call her H) instantly demanded to know if B was pregnant, and I knew my initial thought was correct. Third, and last, woman in the group (we'll call her P) chimed in with a "wtf?" and then a picture of an engagement ring was sent.
Now B hasn't had a steady relationship with anyone for as long as I've known her, which granted isn't long. She likes to date around. Also, she has a 3 year old son, who is adorable. So, to me, news of her being pregnant was really upsetting. I sat here, at my desk, and cried. Both because I was upset and because I knew, in a perfect world, I shouldn't be upset.
Then H suddenly sends "You two are butts." to the convo, and instantly I knew it was all a joke. A horrible, horrible joke. B and P had decided to prank H and me. I grew angry, absolutely pissed, I lashed out at them before breaking down completely. I spent 20 minutes on the bed with DH holding me crying so hard my entire body shook with each sob. When I looked at the conversation again, I saw only one message there. An apology from B saying she didn't know. Which, honestly, I have talked to the whole group about wanting, but not being able to have thus far, children. H and I have talked in front of B about whether or not DH and I plan to adopt.
P has known for a long time that I have unexplained infertility. She was in on this joke and apparently didn't think that it may hurt me. I'm not sure if she did or didn't really, as she didn't apologize for her part in it.
After taking a hot bath to calm down, and clear my already infected sinuses, I spent an agonizing hour beating myself up for my reaction. My anxiety riddled brain even went so far as to apologize to the group (yes, I actually typed out and sent a message without thinking) for overreacting and being a jerk. But I know it wasn't me who was the jerk, and I feel, now anyway, that I had every right to react the way I did.
Today, I can't even sit and process my conflicting feelings, as I currently have a roofer inspecting and attempting to repair a leak in my roof and then I have to go to the doctors early this afternoon. I may not even get time to relax tomorrow, as I may end up going to my parents place for my brother's birthday.
I can't believe that after nearly 9 years of trying, I haven't become numb to this. Yet at the same time, I know I'll never become numb to the pain of BFNs and other people's BFPs. Damn it, I wish I was "normal" so I didn't have to feel this crap anymore.
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