What a mess my life is...

What a mess my life is...I want so badly to stop all this pain and misery, but then I meet people that are worse off then me or at least appear to be. And I immediately go into "helpful Hannah"mode. An old friend that I used to rent a room from came by today to give me mail that she had been holding since last year in July!! Not anything was vital, but it still bothers me that she waited until today to give it to me. Well we got to talking and she has now been divorced for over 6 years and confided she still is dealing with feelings etc about her ex. Her ex did a number on her, everything from adultery to drug addiction and child endangerment. Her oldest and my youngest were friends when they were 8. She is younger than me, but not by more than 6or 8 years. She adopted all 4 of her kids the oldest is now 18 and the youngest is 9or 10. 2 are biological brother and sister. They all have some sort of mental handicap, but with love and a lot of hard work will grow up to be normal. So we agreed to get together next week for lunch so grown ups can talk. Then around 5pm an old neighbor from here in the RV park was riding his bicycle, when I heard a helicopter and went out to investigate and ran into him. Because we have 5 or 6 lakes here in the campground when ever there is a fire in the area they use helicopters to dump water from the lakes on the fire. Well we have been having hot days, today my thermometer said at one point it was 101 and humidity is 20% or less. So we are in a high fire danger and sure enough they had a fire in the canyon just east of us. So we got to talking and he has always helped me understand things about my RV so we had a lot to talk about. Well he likes to rent movies, he introduced me to Redbox, so I agreed to go with him over to Blockbuster and Redbox. I rented "Tron" he got some other TV video. Then we came back here and I asked him a question about something that I couldn't work out for myself on my computer. He called some friend and we did what we could, but nothing worked. As soon as he left bingo! I thought of something we hadn't tried and it worked! Then Jack another friend here in the park called and asked if I was busy, he is an electrician and was pulling wire and hurt his shoulder. He wanted to know if I could put some medicine on his neck and shoulder where he couldn't reach. So I went. I have not seen any of these people in well over 3 weeks and as long as 6 months. Why does everything happen at once. Jack knows I am feeling bad and knows about my divorce etc. he and his wife who is not here in the Park are very kind to me, he tried to tell me to just hang in there, he claims it took him 10 years to get over his first wife. But as I pointed out to him he was only 30 something at the time. I am a lot older and not in as good a physical health as I was in my 30's. So as always I put on a happy face and pretended that yes everything will get better I just have to be patient. But not one of these good friends no matter how bad their divorces were did not have their kids with them. Jack came the closest because his oldest was just starting high school and wanted to stay in the family home with his friends that was in Texas, while his brother went to California. Jack said it was hard to lose the one boy, but at least he had the other one. I lost both of my kids. Even though the one was only just turned 16. It is bad enough to lose a husband, but not having your children at all is impossible to live with. Everyone says they will come back. But they won't. My son used to have videos on Youtube from a class he is taking at school this semester, he has as of today blocked me from seeing those videos. As of last week he now has cut his Google chat line with me. We didn't use it, but it changes from green to orange to grey. Green means you are available and have been having chats and calls, orange means you are idle, grey means you are no longer connected. Kyle is now grey. With Mother's day just around the corner I can tell you right now, I will not hear from either one of my children, not verbally or even by card or email. How sad is that? How do you continue on when the people you love the most, don't want to have anything to do with you. They were and are my whole life.