What a few weeks

I am sitting here at the computer knowing I must check myself out as far as my job is concerned.  I often wonder since I am so sensitive to how others feel, what they are going thru, that I could be Too sensitive and think I can do it all as far as the people I work with.  I am beginning to feel some burnout.  Maybe I truly do not understand the mental health field and the issues that go along with having a mental health diagnosis.  So I am stepping back.   I cannot be everything to everyone and I think I have been trying to do that.  I find the last few days I am exhausted, even irritable and not having the patience I thought I had.  I see so many I work with hurting and want to take the hurt away.  I cannot humanly do that.  In the group home I was bored, here i am challanged.  I need a happy medium.  As long as I think I can be everything to everyone I will get burnout.  I feel wired at work, trying to have everyone get along with heach other which is impossible.  Guess I want everyone to get along, to be kind to each other, to work as a team, and to have a day free of issues regarding the behavior.  I must realize that I am working with some who do not know how to do that, and maybe never will.  I see people who are manipulative, create drama, their own drama and staff is drawn in on their drama.  I personally have not liked in the recent years any kind of drama especially having dealth with that with my mother in law.  I had my share of drama growing up.  But again I am dealing with people, some at least who do not know how to be social, who do not know how to get along with others, who do not know who they are and why they act as they do Looks like I will have to spend more time alone meditating, calming my inner self and doing those things that cause me inner peace.  Mediatation is one of those things I can do to help calm me.  And then there is the past.  For all I know some stuff might be coming up.  Seems to at this time of year.  Winter has always been the worst as far as feeling a lot more anxious, unsettled, and even feeling somewhat disassociative.  Hmmmm what memories are surfacing.  To this day there are still memories I do not see in my mind like the rape of the neighbor.  I have flashbacks but no clear memories of being raped by him.  I do believe I am still holding trauma that has not been resolved or even remembered.  Could this be a sign that I might want to go back into therapy, or just that it is this time of year and it will pass.  It has always passed when spring and summer comes.  I am my most happiest, more serene, at peace with myself and my world, but fall and winter are my hard seasons to move thru.  I would rather know what happened and then it the trauma is outside of me rather than in my psyche.  But as I know too well, it does not work like that.  I must wait until it comes.  I have also thought had I not been abused would I not have the compassion, the empathy I have.  I also have thought what am I working out in my own life thru work.  What issues have I not dealt with and they come out at work.   Do I still want to be liked by the people i work with and because I feel that way, I do not set the boundaries I know I need to set with other people.  Do I not want to hurt feelings, so I do my best to be all I can be.  Well I am seeing that that is creating in me a lot of frustration and exhaustion.  I need to cut myself a break.  Maybe a vacation from work, to draw, to paint.  to have alone time to reflect.    Many questions I have but for now I must wait on the answers.  I am so glad I have a staff that is supportive and that they too have gone thru the same issues I am dealing with.  That does make it a little easier to be supported.   A lot of the jobs I had prior to this job people were meanspirited and downright nasty.  This staff is the furthest from that.  So that is a plus.   Now is the time to take care of Little Jeanette.  She has been out there doing more than she is capable of being.   She cannot save the world, I cannot save the world.  I cannot save those I work for even tho I think I can.  All I can do is be a guide to their recovery and show by example that I care about them, but I have needs of my own that need to be respected and I have boundaries as well.  Once I stopped saving those I care about and allow them to fail if need be, and learn their lessons to become self relient, then my task is completed.  So I think I will go and relax this tired body of mine.  if anyone reads this journal and has any feedback I would greatly appreciate it.  How do you still care but care about yourself as well.  Thought I had that solved, but once again, there is a lesson to be learned here.