What a downer...

This entry is probably going to be a bit of a downer so I apologise in advance, but I am trying to keep an entry every day so here goes. 
I've always had a huge self esteem problem. I don't really let on because who wants to hear about how much I hate how I look, right? I'm good at hiding things. I've spent my whole life doing it, pretending everything's okay when it's clearly not. And I don't want to blame my mum, I don't blame my mum. It's the way I learnt to cope around her. Mum can't handle hearing how much I feel like I'm inadequate as a daughter. How I feel she'd probably much rather my little cousin (who lives with us) be her real daughter, or even my stepsister. I'm just a major disappointment, a failure. I remember once mum told me that I was so pretty but my weight lets me down so I wouldn't get a boyfriend. I feel like a guy could never look past what I look like to get to know the real me. And the real me isn't so great anyway. I'm messed up, I know this. Ugly exterior, ugly interior... Wow, if I were a house they'd have me demolished.
I know I'm not hideous, but it just doesn't seem to matter. I look at myself and all I can see are the faults: nose too big, eyes not big enough, face too round, brow too pronounced... Ugh! When I have to post a picture of myself I just about have a meltdown. Instead I put up pictures of my cats, or of a piece of artwork that I find beautiful. And then I go through DS and I see some girls with, "I have self esteem issues". Well apparently you don't because you're actually posing in that picture that you've posted as your avatar. 
I'm sorry. I know that's harsh. It's cruel of me. I don't mean to be cruel. Told you... ugly on the outside, ugly on the inside... 
Oh joy, drunk karaokeing is going on over the road. Because that is sure to boost my mood. 
See, now that brings another thing up: singing. I can sing. I wanted to go on The Voice, Australia. I put my name down to be notified of where the auditions would be held. Well I just got the email back and they want me to send in an audition tape. And I just... can't. Because the whole time I'm second-guessing myself. I'm forever comparing myself to others. I know it's not rational, but I can't seem to get out of the habit of doing it. 
I watch a lot of Dr Phil lately. There is this one thing he says (among so many things): "It takes 100 atta boys to make up for one negative comment". I so agree with that. My mum is renown for saying negative things to me. She once told me that I should've been drowned at birth. How do you say that to your own child? I think ever since she said that about 3 months ago I've just been... dead inside. And now it's like I'm just waiting for the rest of me to catch up.
Sorry... This whole entry is a mess. I'd say let's just put it down to the fact I'm tired but usually it just means that when I'm this tired I've let my guard down. I'm going to post one more entry tonight before I go to bed. It's a kind of declaration. About me, about who I am and what I deal with. Maybe that'll shed some light on just who I am...