What if....
What if you meet the love of your life and you are already married to someone else........ I saw a movie tonight and in one of the scenes, Drew Barrymore's character tell this to her friend who has met a married man that she "can't stop thinking about". This encouraged her friend to call this man even knowing he was married. They met innocently enough and it grew from there. This question is pretty thought provoking. The whole involvement of these two characters, the girl and the married man. It showed how this man struggled against his attraction to her.....he did try to fight it. He told her he can't do this......but in the end he gave in to it. Although it didn't work out in the movie for them, the question still remains in my mind. What if you meet the love of your life and you are already married to someone else. I ask myself is this what happened to my husband? I know now that we didn't have a good marriage. I know we could have had a great marriage if he would have tried, but as it stood the day he told me he was done, it wasn't a good marriage. Did he meet the love of his life while he was married to me? I know at one time I was the love of his life, just as he was mine, but over the 23 years we had together that chemistry changed and the joy in our marriage was replaced with anger and resentment. So, was he so wrong to find happiness with someone else? I know what he did was wrong. And I know that him lying about it made it worse. But, can I fault him for finding the happiness with someone else that was missing with me? This question in this movie really made me stop and think. What would I have done if the situation was reversed? What if in my unhappiness (and I was unhappy too) I found someone, innocently, who stole my heart. What would I do? Looking back now I can see everything with more clarity. So at 48 I have to admit that half of my life is over. Do I spend the second half of my life unhappy just to keep the commitment of my marriage. If I know in my heart that I don't love my husband like I should....do I stay in the marriage anyway even if I met someone I know I could be happy with? These are tough questions and I don't really know what I would do because I never put myself in that position. But, can I honestly fault my husband for allowing it? I know he should've told me about it before it got too involved. But what if in his eyes, there was no way to fix our marriage. What if he really believed this to be true. What if meeting this woman gave him the courage to finally walk away after years of being unhappy. What if he asked himself the same question.....if half of my life is over, do I really want to live the last half being unhappy. Can I really fault him for this? I know a lot of people will totally disagree with me on this. I know that everyone wants to place blame on someone, as do I, but now that I am emotionally untied from my husband, I am seeing things, as I said, with more clarity. Does this mean it doesn't hurt....no. Does this mean I forgive him....no. I know he went about this all wrong and he is still making huge mistakes with me and the kids, but I realize that he didn't set out to hurt me on purpose. It's that old cliche....."I didn't mean for it to happen". Does that make it OK.....no. But it is what it is. So I propose the question to myself.....what would I have done if I met the love of my life while I was unhappily married. It's a tough question but it puts a different perspective on things for me.
Replies
You\'re getting pretty deep for a Sunday night. You brought up some interesting questions. And I am coming from a different perspective. That girl \"couldn\'t stop thinking about him\". Yes she could. Stay away from married men period.
That\'s just a short answer to your deep thoughtful journal. I will probably ponder this further.
I think meeting someone else comes down to your own honor and integrity. When you\'ve been married for 20 and 30+ years there will be times the spouse just gets on your nerves. Bills, kids, sports and everyday life happens. It\'s so easy to walk away and not fight to get back what you once had.
I think they meant to hurt us. Did they really think having an affair would make us feel warm and fuzzy? They knew exactly what they were doing. They do feel bad that they got caught but that\'s about it.
If someone is married, he/she is off limits.
Chrissy, are you somehow trying to justify what your husband did to you and your marriage? STOP trying to analyze it. STOP trying to justify it. STOP taking the blame for it (even part of it). The movie sounds like it romanticizes the whole idea of an extra-marital affair. What happened to your marriage is pretty common: you both grow up; you both change; somewhere along the line communication breaks down and some anger and resentment begins to surface. You stop talking to each other from your hearts. Sooner or later, somebody from outside the marriage looks like a better deal. WHAM...then the bottom falls out. It all goes back to COMMITTMENT and keeping a marriage ALIVE takes WORK -- you BOTH have to work at it every single day to keep it alive. Even when my ex treated me like crap, I was so committed to the relationship and the institution of marriage, I wouldn\'t give another man a second look. Because I knew it would be a risk to my marriage. I TRIED to talk to my ex, but he was so closed down emotionally he was impossible to reach. Yet I never, ever dreamed that he would become involved with another woman. I thought, at the very least, he held our marriage vows sacred. Evidently, he did not.
I do not believe that the O.W. was \"the love of his life\" who simply appeared out of nowhere. If he was as committed to our marriage as I was, he would have looked the other way and/or discouraged her advances and he would have told me about it. Period. Also, if he was as unhappy in our marriage as he told other people he was (after he left) how come I never knew about it?? Secrets. Deadly secrets. The bond of fidelity is broken the very first time a married person shares their inner-most feelings with someone other than their spouse. This \"other woman\" is nothing but a serial home-wrecker who will dump my ex when someone new comes along. For my ex, she was an easy way out of a marriage that he evidently was never as committed to as I was...and it was a long one...nearly 25 years of marriage plus 6 years of \"marriage without benefit of clergy\" beforehand.
I did enjoy you sharing your thoughts about the movie and pondering all the related stuff, but you have to remember -- that was Hollywood and this is real life.
Thanks CowgirlKathi - I believe in every word you just said. It really does come down to committment and wanted to keep the marriage alive. It takes two to do that for one can never save a marriage alone.
And you are right about this movie romanticizing an affair - they made it seem ok from the man\'s point of view. Like he deserved it because his wife gave him an ultimatum about getting married when he wasn\'t ready. Thanks for putting it all back on the right track for me.
You too Kathy & Sue. That\'s what good friends are for - slap me upside the head when I say or feel something stupid. Thanks - hugs to you all.
Hi my sweet friend. I saw this movie with my girlfriend as well. I totally agree with cowgirl. It was a fun movie to watch but not believeable. I can understand that you want to give your X an excuse but he nor them deserve one. Marriage is a commitment not just something you have until something else comes along, which is why I strongly believe in it. But it\'s only as strong as the two people in it. It\'s not a guarantee!
Big hugs my friend! I like that you were exploring your thoughts and feelings. Big hugs.
That scene got under my skin, too! I so agree with Cowgirl!
The guy caved, Chrissy! His wife was beautiful, intelligent and the whole package. Oh, she gave him the wanting to be married business and he thought he better marry her. I am sure she did not tie him down and make him marry her!
Now Ben Affleck really came through with flying colors in my book, didn\'t he in yours? That is definitely just in the movies!!!
Now about the whole issue about the happiness in a marriage and meeting the love of your life when being married and missing out on that other person.
Since we are married, we have made that huge commitment. My husband made me miserable, absolutely, positively miserable but no matter what, I would have never looked the other way. I made that commitment and it was one to follow through. It was not just about us, it involved others by this point, two children and extended family that really cared.
I think there is always a strong and weak link in a relationship. One that will put up with the ups and downs and stay through all the bad and just try to find the tiny bit of good to hang on in hopes that one day it will get better. The weaker link is going to bail out without getting the help needed to fix the bond that is broken and make that bond stronger than it ever was so it will not break again. How many of those \"loves of their lives\" the next one in line ever really make it ? I know in my instance this woman and my ex husband are on the outs all the time. If our relationship had been like theirs the first year I would have never stayed. It is a sick relationship with two very sick people. So they think they have found the love of their life for a short period of time just enough to loose everything we worked so hard for. You do not have to be mad, you do not have to be sad, you can be that you don\'t care, which would be great but that husband broke a vow, one that should never be broken. Instead of breaking the vow he should have been making the old love of his life the new one and rekindling the flame that got buried somewhere. Maybe I am way off but if we were all made to try more, not saying you and me, just couples in general and the laws were much harder to divorce, more marriages would have to stay together and make things work and so many children would not be so screwed up because of divorce.
Am I whacked in my thinking? You can tell me!!