well well well

sigh.  I'm not really sure where I'm at - within myself. If I was to draw it I'd be a body of skin, with spikes inside.  These sharp bits that are my hurt, pain, rejection and broken heartedness is what keep me raw.I try not to think about how every time I drive on the freeway I see my ex's house and a reminder of the memories we shared and my regret. I try not to think about how the man I'm to marry now, looks at porn, and I can't understand why and fail to see that it's his lack of respect for me.I try not to think about how another man may well treat me better and has waited for me for... ten long years like a gentleman. That he might be there for me more than my fiance would. I have fears. I didn't realise I was such a fear ful person. But when I gorge with chocolate, chops, junk sweetness to get that high and forget my woes I feel good. If only I could have a never ending chewy gobstopper of the flavours and eat nothing else and be beautifully slim and attractive. I don't want to give up. I don't want to keep dispising myself in subtle ways.I don't want to be alone, even though I'm aware that I tend to push people away. More than anything I don't want to be fat. How does one stick to a diet plan. How can I find that resolve when I can't even figure out how exactly I'm feeling and what my goals are. Sigih.