Well, that's over

So my husband and I celebrated our 8th anniversary. Though I don't suppose you could call it much of a celebration. We drove home to Indiana from Virginia Beach which meant over 12 hours in a car with our two young children. Once we were home I wrote in the card I bought him while he went to get dinner. I hadn't planned on anything but settled for a card after seeing the pain on his face when I announced I didn't want to even acknowledge our anniversary because why bother? He broke his vows and the ring on my finger and the last year don't seem to mean anything. I only succeeding in making him feel worse though since he took me at my word and didn't buy or do anything. I was fine with that, though surprised. Maybe he does listen? I didn't buy an anniversary card. I bought something that talked about working on us and growing pains. It still didn't say what I wanted and I was ill prepared to try and translate my heart into words. I've been wondering what to do about June 8th because to celebrate another year of marriage after he cheated on me and slept with someone else just seemed stupid and foolish and worthless and everything else I have been feeling. I told him if things were working out next summer that I wanted us to renew our vows on our 9th anniversary. I don't know what to do, I look at the ring on my finger and it's just a ring. I look at June 8th on the calendar and it is just another date because he made those things worthless. I told him that I understood our marriage had fallen through the cracks and I was phoning it in but he never gave me a chance to do anything about it. At the time, I had no idea how he felt or how much I had been pulling into myself. I asked him why he wanted to be with me when last year I wasn't worth enough for him to try to save us. He didn't save us, he didn't even try. He let the idiotic 19 year old who works for him stroke his ego and then let her in his pants. I wasn't worth saving then, why now? I don't even want our anniversary to be June 8th. I don't know what I do want though. I want to not look at him and try to understand how this man did those things. I don't want to look at my husband and realize what a stranger he had become last year and I never even realized. I don't want to watch a movie on tv and get pissed because a man cheats on his wife. Because those things feel so personal now. I want to wake up and everything has only been a bad dream. I just don't know if I can be a good enough person to forgive and move on. It's certainly been difficult to bite my tongue when hurtful retorts seek an exit from my brain. I'm just ready to be over this.