Well-Meaning, but Ultimately Powerless Helpers

i've just had a call from my nurse practionner's nurse (isn't that a funny concept). evidently i missed my appointment this morning and she was worried i'd topped myself. i don't know how a phone call would have helped assuaging her fears, but hey at least she put in the effort.  i told her i've been struggling with thoughts of self-harm and suicidal ideation and she jumped right in with go to the emergency room right now. i'm going to call them and tell them you're coming. if i weren't okay at the moment, well okay is a relative term. if i were planning something elaborate then i'd be worried and would have taken her up on the offer...maybe. but as i'm not actually planning on doing myself in at the moment (yesterday was a different story), i reckon it would be a waste of time going in to the hospital right now. after all, didn't they set me loose when i went on my own to the mental hospital associated with the main hospital? why would that change now? she's been calling the p-doc's office on my behalf since i went in to have an emergency prescription written, but they haven't answered the phone. evidently that's one thing off my to-do list today. i was going to call and see if he's back in the country, but if no one at his office is answering the calls of a fellow nurse then he's obviously not. my nurse's nurse (hahaha) thinks that since he's away all his staff were granted off-time and probably won't be back until he's returned.  personally, i think that's very irresponsible, what if one of his regular patients was in crisis? no one is at the office to answer the call or direct that person to care. but then this whole thing has been a convoluted mess. my t-doc told me in august that there are only two p-docs in our whole city and the other one actually is from another city 40 miles away and just comes into my city twice a month to handle the overflow patients of the p-doc who's gallavanting across india at the moment.  i'm so tired. i'm losing time again. i'm worried about the school issue, and really struggling with this blue funk in general. i hope today will be better than yesterday.