Well here we go!!

I have managed to gain and lose friends since my ex left me, but thats because my friends I gained were 2 faced drama seekers and I am making sure that stuff stays out of my life. :) I am officially divorced even though he hasnt paid what he owes yet I have to come up with $75 to file contempt of court and get that straightened out. I finally got my drivers license about 2 weeks ago but every time i drive my car 2 more things break on it and I dont have the money to fix it :( Im still struggling to try and get a job, but my parents are keeping me from that. They want the money I make but yet they dont want to help me get it? Makes no sense. But ever since my ex left me Iv noticed exactly how bad my parents are, I mean there is a lot that they did I thought was normal when it wasnt and now Im paying the price for it. Also though now that I noticed I can avoid any more damage but then that also makes me the bad kid and makes them tell me stuff like my brother was always the favorite etc. It hurts yes, but someday I will have a child and will know what to avoid and what to do to make her/him a happy child. Speaking of which I have been having these dreams lately, so realistic, where i have a child. It has never been my child but someone else's that they abandoned or was taken from them. I felt such love for the child I had and was so incredibly happy just holding him/her in my arms and taking care of them. They were only like 3 or 4 years old not infants although I would love to have a baby too. But I wake up from these dreams and just feel like crying because it feels like the death of a child to wake up and all you "dreamt" was there loving you is gone. But I cant cry. I try so hard to cry sometimes when Im really really sad I feel the pressure in my eyes trying to push out the tears and the pain in my throat and chest trying to cry and it just doesnt happen. Im broken :( I feel but I cannot show it. All because when my ex left me he said I cry too much so I sealed myself against it now I cannot cry when i want to and feel I need to. But yet when he calls or contacts me I burst into rivers of tears? Im confused :( Oh well, I think this is about it. I have some homework to get done so any opinions on what I should do about any of this is welcome please comment. I will try to get on here more often.