Welcome to my Life
I fell into depression 6 years ago. I thought about ending my life. I knew how I would do it. I would imagine where I would be and who would find me. Obviously I never did it nor tried. I just couldn't imagine my 2 year old daughter dealing with it for the rest of her life. I knew I needed some sort of help. I've never really been able to talk to people about my feelings and emotions, a life skill I never learnt. Bad parenting, I'll get to that later. But I did go to the doctor and he prescribed Zoloft and after 2 or 3 months I felt close to "normal" again.
Being depessed is the worst feeling. It affects your whole body, your whole life. It extends to people around you. Relationships, work, friends. If death seems like a better choice, then its got to be pretty bad!
I remember hearing a song at the time, 'Welcome To My Life' by Simple Plan. The words were very much what I was feeling:
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Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you Do you ever wanna runaway? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more? Before your life is over Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you're bleeding No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life No one ever lied straight to your face No one ever stabbed you in the back You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay Everybody always gave you what you wanted Never had to work it was always there You don't know what it's like, what it's like To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like (what it's like) To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Welcome to my life Welcome to my life
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I've since tried coming of the Zoloft. Every time I do, I can feel myself getting more irritated, more negative, impatient and short fused, paranoid and insecure. Only recently after being off them for a couple of months and after some work pressures and relationship issues, I found myself losing control again. To stop me falling further, I started taking Zoloft again.
My doctor wanted me to come off the pills and try counceling, but I felt too embarrased to go talk to anyone. You know, "Men don't discuss their emotions and cry and stuff." But later today I'm going to see someone to discuss my emotions and maybe cry and stuff!
I've never been good with talking to people and general conversation. Thats one of the things I hate about myself. Yes, there are many things I hate about myself. I don't need a psych to work out I have self esteem issues. I don't like that I'm an introvert, I have no condidence, I want to hide away from uncomfortable situationslike confrontations and talking in a group bigger than 3 people, I can't handle critisism, I don't like making decisions in case they're wrong, I lack social skills and feel awkward around people, I lack assertiveness, I hate my own voice so I tend to be quiet.
Am I crazy or what?
I'm no expert on parenting, but I do believe parents are the biggest influence on a childs mental development and personality. One thing I learnt from my father is how not to treat my daughter.
I hated my childhood. I hated my father. I would always wish that somehow he wouldn't be around. Dead or just gone, I didn't care. Nor did I care if it were me that was dead. I don't think I wanted to kill myself, I just thought being dead would be better.
I hope it's not just me looking for someone to blame for the way I am.
As far back as I remember, I was a dissappointment for my father. It would have started from the day I was born. The reason was because I wasn't a girl. After already having 2 boys, both my parents wanted a girl. I have no issues with my mother. She still loved me, I could feel that!
Throughout my life he would openly tell people I was a mistake. It would just come up in normal coversation with the neighbour or whoever. I've heard it plenty of times and he know I've heard it. I think he would say it because I CAN hear him. It's not like he would say it out of anger, it's just a fact. Why can't the stupid prick realise it was his mistake, not mine.
One way he would impart his parenting skills on to me would be humiliation. He would make a joke of my faults and failures and make them public to get a laugh. He would critisise every choice and decision and give his stupid opinion. I became very quiet and withdrawn. I would hardly talk when he was around. As far as I remember I have always been a shy, quiet, introverted kid / adult. He would also humiliate me about my quietness. He would always say something stupid like, "Shut up. You talk too much." Everyone would laugh. I would say nothing, and just hate him even more.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't know what he's done to me. He thinks he has brought up 3 kids to the best of his ability. We are all married with kids, good jobs and houses. Things to be proud of. My mum died of cancer 15 years ago. Why wasn't him instead.
We pretend that everything is normal. We see him every couple of months or so. I hate going there. My wife also hates it, but we pretend because it's easier. I still can't talk to him now. There's something in my head that just makes it go blank. I could quite easily sit there all day and say nothing.
Being depessed is the worst feeling. It affects your whole body, your whole life. It extends to people around you. Relationships, work, friends. If death seems like a better choice, then its got to be pretty bad!
I remember hearing a song at the time, 'Welcome To My Life' by Simple Plan. The words were very much what I was feeling:
_____________________________________
Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you Do you ever wanna runaway? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more? Before your life is over Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you're bleeding No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life No one ever lied straight to your face No one ever stabbed you in the back You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay Everybody always gave you what you wanted Never had to work it was always there You don't know what it's like, what it's like To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like (what it's like) To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Welcome to my life Welcome to my life
______________________________________
I've since tried coming of the Zoloft. Every time I do, I can feel myself getting more irritated, more negative, impatient and short fused, paranoid and insecure. Only recently after being off them for a couple of months and after some work pressures and relationship issues, I found myself losing control again. To stop me falling further, I started taking Zoloft again.
My doctor wanted me to come off the pills and try counceling, but I felt too embarrased to go talk to anyone. You know, "Men don't discuss their emotions and cry and stuff." But later today I'm going to see someone to discuss my emotions and maybe cry and stuff!
I've never been good with talking to people and general conversation. Thats one of the things I hate about myself. Yes, there are many things I hate about myself. I don't need a psych to work out I have self esteem issues. I don't like that I'm an introvert, I have no condidence, I want to hide away from uncomfortable situationslike confrontations and talking in a group bigger than 3 people, I can't handle critisism, I don't like making decisions in case they're wrong, I lack social skills and feel awkward around people, I lack assertiveness, I hate my own voice so I tend to be quiet.
Am I crazy or what?
I'm no expert on parenting, but I do believe parents are the biggest influence on a childs mental development and personality. One thing I learnt from my father is how not to treat my daughter.
I hated my childhood. I hated my father. I would always wish that somehow he wouldn't be around. Dead or just gone, I didn't care. Nor did I care if it were me that was dead. I don't think I wanted to kill myself, I just thought being dead would be better.
I hope it's not just me looking for someone to blame for the way I am.
As far back as I remember, I was a dissappointment for my father. It would have started from the day I was born. The reason was because I wasn't a girl. After already having 2 boys, both my parents wanted a girl. I have no issues with my mother. She still loved me, I could feel that!
Throughout my life he would openly tell people I was a mistake. It would just come up in normal coversation with the neighbour or whoever. I've heard it plenty of times and he know I've heard it. I think he would say it because I CAN hear him. It's not like he would say it out of anger, it's just a fact. Why can't the stupid prick realise it was his mistake, not mine.
One way he would impart his parenting skills on to me would be humiliation. He would make a joke of my faults and failures and make them public to get a laugh. He would critisise every choice and decision and give his stupid opinion. I became very quiet and withdrawn. I would hardly talk when he was around. As far as I remember I have always been a shy, quiet, introverted kid / adult. He would also humiliate me about my quietness. He would always say something stupid like, "Shut up. You talk too much." Everyone would laugh. I would say nothing, and just hate him even more.
He doesn't get it. He doesn't know what he's done to me. He thinks he has brought up 3 kids to the best of his ability. We are all married with kids, good jobs and houses. Things to be proud of. My mum died of cancer 15 years ago. Why wasn't him instead.
We pretend that everything is normal. We see him every couple of months or so. I hate going there. My wife also hates it, but we pretend because it's easier. I still can't talk to him now. There's something in my head that just makes it go blank. I could quite easily sit there all day and say nothing.
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