Weird Things They Say . . .
I am wondering if anyone else went through their Cluster B saying some really weird, off-the-wall things that didn't make sense and you still scratch your head about? These people really seem to display some cognitive disconnects.
I had to do a piece-by-piece backwards forensics on my relationship to figure the whole thing out. After I did that, it all made sense. The love-bombing. The push-pull. The Honeymoon. The devaluing. The discard. The hoovering.
My Cluster B had two cousins living with her, and three girls, two of which where her cousin’s daughters and one of which was hers. One cousin was also married. I have to explain that both of us had lost children. Her youngest daughter had died of a heart defect when she was 18 months old and my second wife and I’s son was born asleep. I imagined that would give us some common ground to work off of besides our attraction to each other, but not so much.
The first odd thing she said to me she said while we were going through some stuff in her garage. It was a clear blue sky statement and she said “if it ever comes down to a choice between “X” (one of her cousins) or me, you will lose.” I knew I should have walked away, that night, right then, but sadly, I did not.
In January of 2001 her grandmother died. She went to the town where her grandmother had lived and where her parents lived that day and I told her I would drive there to be with her the next day after I got off work, which I did. At the visitation the next evening while we were all gathered outside smoking a cigarette she said, in a very irritated tone, “I know why you really came here.” I didn't understand that statement and told her so and she never did explain what she meant by it.
It became clear to me later on, after I began looking at dates exactly what precipitated our breakup. February 8th 2001 was the 7th anniversary of my son’s birth and death. I knew she would remember because I certainly knew the day her daughter died. But that morning, before she went to work, she never mentioned it. When she got home from work I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. She asked me how my day went and I told her it wasn’t a very happy day for me. She gave me a puzzled look and asked me “Why?” To which I replied “You should know why.” She did not know, so I explained it to her and added that of all people, she should understand why I was sad on this particular day and that I had expected some support from her. Her reply was “All you ever think about is yourself,” and she stalked off. She did not speak to me for the rest of the evening. Or the next morning. When she got home from work that day she asked me to come downstairs and told me it wasn’t working and I needed to move out. I went looking for an apartment the next day and during the next 5 days, as I prepared to move out, and afterwards came some of the weirdest statements I have ever heard.
I was hurt, I was confused, I was angry. So in the ensuing 2 or 3 days before I could start moving my stuff out I stayed in the basement, away from everyone in the house. After the second day, when I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, my gf says “How come you are not spending time with “the family?” I replied that technically, since we were broke up, that they were no longer family. I got chastised for that one. The next day she told me “it’s your turn to buy cigarettes.” I replied that since we were now no longer bf – gf there was no way I was going to buy her anything and she went into a tirade. February 14th, Valentine’s Day, I was moving the last of my stuff out of her house. This is when she told me she wanted a key to my apartment and I told her that was not going to happen. Then she said, “Well, I know now that you really didn't love me anyway.” When I asked her why that was she said “Because it’s Valentine’s Day and you didn't get me a card.”
A couple of weeks later she called me at work out of the blue and asked me how the kids were and when she would see them again. I explained that she would not be seeing them again. To which she replied “You mean you are taking my kids away?” She was saying all this in reference to my children, not her daughter. Now I never expected to see her daughter again after we broke up, so I had to explain that if you are not the birth parent, and you break up, you usually do not see the other person’s kids again. This really tweaked her melon for some reason.
Komedy!
I had to do a piece-by-piece backwards forensics on my relationship to figure the whole thing out. After I did that, it all made sense. The love-bombing. The push-pull. The Honeymoon. The devaluing. The discard. The hoovering.
My Cluster B had two cousins living with her, and three girls, two of which where her cousin’s daughters and one of which was hers. One cousin was also married. I have to explain that both of us had lost children. Her youngest daughter had died of a heart defect when she was 18 months old and my second wife and I’s son was born asleep. I imagined that would give us some common ground to work off of besides our attraction to each other, but not so much.
The first odd thing she said to me she said while we were going through some stuff in her garage. It was a clear blue sky statement and she said “if it ever comes down to a choice between “X” (one of her cousins) or me, you will lose.” I knew I should have walked away, that night, right then, but sadly, I did not.
In January of 2001 her grandmother died. She went to the town where her grandmother had lived and where her parents lived that day and I told her I would drive there to be with her the next day after I got off work, which I did. At the visitation the next evening while we were all gathered outside smoking a cigarette she said, in a very irritated tone, “I know why you really came here.” I didn't understand that statement and told her so and she never did explain what she meant by it.
It became clear to me later on, after I began looking at dates exactly what precipitated our breakup. February 8th 2001 was the 7th anniversary of my son’s birth and death. I knew she would remember because I certainly knew the day her daughter died. But that morning, before she went to work, she never mentioned it. When she got home from work I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. She asked me how my day went and I told her it wasn’t a very happy day for me. She gave me a puzzled look and asked me “Why?” To which I replied “You should know why.” She did not know, so I explained it to her and added that of all people, she should understand why I was sad on this particular day and that I had expected some support from her. Her reply was “All you ever think about is yourself,” and she stalked off. She did not speak to me for the rest of the evening. Or the next morning. When she got home from work that day she asked me to come downstairs and told me it wasn’t working and I needed to move out. I went looking for an apartment the next day and during the next 5 days, as I prepared to move out, and afterwards came some of the weirdest statements I have ever heard.
I was hurt, I was confused, I was angry. So in the ensuing 2 or 3 days before I could start moving my stuff out I stayed in the basement, away from everyone in the house. After the second day, when I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, my gf says “How come you are not spending time with “the family?” I replied that technically, since we were broke up, that they were no longer family. I got chastised for that one. The next day she told me “it’s your turn to buy cigarettes.” I replied that since we were now no longer bf – gf there was no way I was going to buy her anything and she went into a tirade. February 14th, Valentine’s Day, I was moving the last of my stuff out of her house. This is when she told me she wanted a key to my apartment and I told her that was not going to happen. Then she said, “Well, I know now that you really didn't love me anyway.” When I asked her why that was she said “Because it’s Valentine’s Day and you didn't get me a card.”
A couple of weeks later she called me at work out of the blue and asked me how the kids were and when she would see them again. I explained that she would not be seeing them again. To which she replied “You mean you are taking my kids away?” She was saying all this in reference to my children, not her daughter. Now I never expected to see her daughter again after we broke up, so I had to explain that if you are not the birth parent, and you break up, you usually do not see the other person’s kids again. This really tweaked her melon for some reason.
Komedy!
Replies
My ex would occasionally, out of the blue, become angry and accusatory because she had convinced herself that she loved me more than I loved her. wtf? -- just a small sample from a cauldron of seething insecurity transformed into emotional abuse.
Everything they say comes from the fountain of \"I\'m important and you are only important because of what you do for me\". Here is a message that for my ex that I never sent: \" You do not love me; you desire a thing, which is me. In your world-beating eyes, I am raw material to be fashioned into something more useful to you.\"
\"I am raw material to be fashioned into something more useful to you.\"
Truth. But since most human beings are not something easily malleable into whatever it is they want, they get bored, lose interest, get angry, or frustrated and see if the next supply is more easily shaped. I told this ex on the last day I ever saw her that it was funny that she loved everything about me when we first met and now I was someone she didn\'t like and didn\'t want, but that I wasn\'t the one who had changed.
Not well received.
Mine \'forgot\' my birthday, even though he knew exactly when it was. He conveniently planned a trip for himself that week. When confronted, he provided the \"all you think about is yourself,\" among other verbal lashings.
Of course, I never paid enough attention to him, and never showed I cared. When my attempts were made to make more time for us, I was met with deaf ears. No plans I could make were good enough.
He was convinced every guy I encountered was madly in love with me, and that I am a flirt. He referred to my guy friends as my boyfriends, which was weird. He\'d say: \"How\'s your boyfriend Chris today?\" For whatever reason, it bothered me. He never stopped saying that throughout our relationship.
That is projection. Monogamous NPD\'s don\'t really exist. They are always in a relationship with someone else at the same time as they are with you, and/or cultivating another source of supply. They can sometimes juggle 3 or 4 relationships at the same time. And there is always a past supply/future supply which they keep holding in the wings in case they are needed suddenly. Since they do these things, they assume that everyone else does too. And they think it is a great feint tactic to keep you off guard, defending yourself against their accusations instead of examining their behavior too closely. Once the honeymoon phase is over they have to keep you constantly off-balance so you do not have the ability to figure anything out. I saw the signs of her cultivating her next supply a couple of months before we broke up, but I refused to believe that that was what she was doing. And she did it right out in the open.