Weird sense of hope

In my status, I've made a reference to the real world meme of the story of a boy who has a dream about two dogs fighting, a good one and a bad one. He takes the dream to his grandfather saying he doesn't know which one will win. the grandfather asks "which one are you feeding?"
I feel the dogs fighting in my mind everyday. the bad one was winning for a while. Now I feel the good one making strides. And I am beginning to figure out what kind of food he likes.
 
The bad dog is trying to make me focus on how if I hadn't fucked my life up, I could be one of those professors giving lectures. It's especially hard since they all look about my age now. They moved on while I did what.... get drunk, chase women and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
 
I'm about to watch another calculus lecture. I spent the night listening to chemistry lectures. I'm on step chat, talking to alcoholics and I'm here writing in my journal. good dog food.