Weight Loss

My story is similar to many you've heard before. I gained weight in college. Partying every night and eating greasy food everyday to combat my hangovers, coupled with my disdain for exercise led me to 230lbs; but I wasn't always this big.

I had been thin in high school (even though back then I thought I was "totally fat and gross"). I was a cheerleader, ran for prom queen and competed in beauty pageants. 

Looking back at my old pictures makes me sad, because I never appreciated what I had. Even back then I used to beat myself up about food.

When I was 16 I collapsed in my shower after a year long struggle with anorexia. I had wasted away to just barely 110lbs. My skin was pale, hair was lackluster and I had almost no energy. 

Coming to at the bottom of my shower was a wakeup call for me. I couldn't hide my disorder from my parents anymore. With their help I was able to put on about 20lbs and I finally felt healthy for the first time. 

I remained that healthy weight throughout high school, and in to my first year of college. After a breakup with my long time boyfriend I spiraled. To drown my sorrows I turned to partying and a high risk lifestyle. 

I searched for anything and tried everything to make myself feel better, but nothing lasted very long. Before I knew it I was depressed about more than just my breakup. 

In an effort to lose weight I drastically diminished my dreaking May of this year. Since May I have lost 20lbs, which is a good start, but only a 3rd of the weight I'd like to lose.

My eating habits are for the most part, good. On occasion I have a meal that I might be a little ashamed of, but that is much fewer and farther between than before. 

However, I still have a very complicated relationship with food. Since my first battle with anorexia, I have no been able to eat a single meal I didn't feel guilty about (healthy or not).

I have anxiety when it gets close to meal times because I know I'm going to feel bad about myself afterwards. I try to stick to healthy portion sizes, but on days I fail I end up starving all day and then binging at night.

The hardest part for me is telling myself that I need to eat and that I need to have a healthy relationship with food. I believe that is the only way I am ever going to be able to lose this weight and keep it off.

It feels good to be honest here in this journal and I think I will try to write here whenever I need to get things off my chest. 

Thanks for listening.