Week One of rewriting my narrative! (ouch! I think that hurt my brain)
Here I am again , in the efforts to maintain a journal. My internal dialogue has been mediocre today. I've gone from feeling good to feeling horrible to feeling like I've got my head just out of water. I realise that I don't seem to look after what I've got incredibly well - and really I can transfer this from the objects that I own, my clothes and my laptop (which I just broke clumsily) and to myself and my body, my image etc. I do try to look after others, but I don't feel I've the energy to be bubbling over and highly dutifully responsible in every area even though I know I need to be for my own improvement as well as filling the reason I was put on this earth ; to be responsible for upholding my purpose whatever that is! Maybe I slip into that 'don't give a f*ck' attitude easily because I don't feel I've enough enjoyment from a lot of things in life. Maybe I'm more externally motivated than internally lately - not necessarily in general because I know how we change as we grow or as we experience different life events. Right now though I feel so sluggish, mentally, emotionally and physically and that makes it all pretty difficult to function in the smaller areas of life like self maintanence in the areas of exercise and diet and also the areas of being productive in university and what not. I had to purchase a new monitor today - Which i'm pretty happy with! And one of my main reasons is because I broke my last laptop, i'm afraid i'd do it again out of just not caring and being clumsy if I got a portable computer. So that's why I've got an un-portable one! and I don't feel too guilty because I only got the monitor; and i'm trying to look after my finances more. One thing I can say with positivitiy though is that I'm not using shopping as much as a crutch as I was a couple of months ago!! I've noticed that habit is improving. I do occasionally feel the need to spend - completely irrationally and wastefully - but It's not nearly as regularly and I am learning to say no more so in that area. HOPEFULLY this will transfer!! My thought patterns seem to work in the direction of trapping myself; making me feel like i've got not much time to myself to enjoy so I better try and switch off totally - which can very much result in boredom and lazy thinking, eating junk and sugar, and trying to avoid tasks that I don't enjoy. This is my first goal of rewiring my thought.. to realise I have as much as time as I like really, because I make of it what I will within the perameters of worklife, study life and love life etc. How to rewire this exactly i'm not sure... but I can't go on like this.
Replies
when I read this, the main impression or thought I have (and I read thru it twice) is that you are awfully critical and hard on yourself, though I feel as though you are trying to sort thru everything in such a way that you will come out feeling more balanced within yourself, which is always a great goal.
the feelings you describe, lack of enthusiasm \'bubbling over\', not enjoying a lot of things in life... seem like perhaps you might be depressed, and being depressed can have a tremendous impact on motivation, outlook and make it very difficult to break out of negative thought patterns.
i know for myself when I am fighting depression the biggest help toward regaining my usual level of energy and focus is to get enough sleep, drink more water and eat regularly with a good balance of protein and fresh fruit, veggies etc. Sounds simple, but it isn\'t for me when I am in that claustrophobic, dark space. The simples acts of self care are then the most difficult to carry out consistently. I have learned though, that if I do NOT do these basic things it impairs my functioning, my creativity or the quality of my output, and even my memory if I go long enough without proper rest and \"fuel\"
it\'s been a long time since I\'ve suffered a long bout of depression, but I always guard against the beginning symptoms of it so that I can try and avoid falling in too deep. It\'s so doggone hard to get out once the spiral begins.
trust your instincts, I think you have good solid instincts. Writing is a great way to air out those internal mixed messages and \"debates\" we all have nipping at our heels and getting in the way of being comfortable in our own skin and coming to appreciate ourselves for all our glory and flaws.