week away from 2 months
Why does that scare me? 2 months, time going by, he's getting further away from me. I'm not crying every day and I feel guilty about that. I think I ran out of water. I miss him every minute, every day. We had such a strong marriage and knew we loved each other so much, yet I'm wondering if I told him enough, showed it enough. Married 32 years we had some rough spots and I'm questioning them too! Did I waste time, if I had only known, should I have done things different. Sometimes I feel like my mind is going in circles. Get me off this ride, I don't like it!
Replies
I truly wish I had an answer. So many years, so many dreams. We never said \"I love you\" enough then. Why is it so easy now? We\'ve learned what love really is and that in itself is a blessing. I really feel your pain. Kip.
We all look back and wish we had been more patient and loving. There is no reason for regrets, however, they knew we loved them and we know they loved us. That is what is important to remember. Sharon
Part of growing together is arguing. You did not waste any time. You get to know a person through their differences. We had a good marriage -33 1/2 years and only once in awhile we would argue. How could you live in perfect harmony with someone without any differences - it is what makes us unique. I have just past the 3 month mark and find that I am crying less but I still do cry. Do not feel guilty about not sheading tears. Do not question any decision you made as you made them at the time, the best that you could given the circumstances. We all have what ifs.. We cannot change what has already happened although each one of us here would do that in a heartbeat. I am trying to cherish the time that I did have with him and I am grateful that I met and married my husband and had the time that I did with him, Yes it is hard because I wanted so much more. There are times that I still feel numb and still cannot beleive that it happened. I did join a support group that meets once a month. Last night was my second session. There you will find that you are not alone in your suffering and that you are not going crazy. Hang in there.
Dawn, having 15 years of healing under my belt has educated me to now look back and see everything so much clearer than I did when I was where you are. Two months may as well be 2 days or two hours from the time he passed away. I can\'t tell you how long it takes but I can tell you for myself each passing year was a major stepping stone and of course the first year being the worse. Now when I look back I to don\'t know how I dealt with the lonliness, the anger, and that horrible emotion called guilt. I now know that Jay knew I loved him and I know he knew that he made me happy..even with the struggles and the problems...you don\'t live with someone for decades and not experience differences and arguments...it makes the relationship better and it makes us human. There are never enough I love you\'s when someone leaves our life but there are other ways he new your love other than words....you and Randy had what others only could dream of... you knew that and so did he...the guilt is part of the natural healing and there will come a day when you will say...I have no guilt..he new very well everything he meant to me and how devoted you were to him and your marriage. The tears do lessen as time goes on but the sadness and the missing them only subsides...I will miss JAy till I die and no matter what new and wonderful things have come into my life there is always that one empty spot in my heart that will never heal..I just had many years to learn how to not allow it to any longer destroy me. You will too someday. There is no quick fix to make things better
I remember people always telling me after Jay passed..IN TIME DEB..IN TIME...it became like nails on a blackboard because I didn\'t want to hear something without something more positive attached...tell me 1 year, tell me two years don\'t just tell me time...it\'s a scary phrase because time is a very long thing. All said is true... I know now that those words are exactly what we need. Getting through the firt holidays, birthdays, anniversaries etc. looking back over the first entire year and realizing although you still have a way to go..your getting better. Learning to adjust to them no longer walking through the front door, no longer going to pick up the phone to call them because you realize you left the iron on..waking up in middle of the night looking for them next to you...those painful adjustments that fade away as we begin to get use to there presence no longer being in our life. Right now there is no excepting he is gone..we know there not here but we can not accept that it\'s for real...in time we do accept it and that for me was when I realized I was beginning to heal...I stopped looking for him and the truth is I stopped toturing myself.
I am here for you Dawn and you know that already...I am so grateful for this web site of wonderful caring people and I am thrilled that you have joined. It helps to know you are not alone and that in your own sorrow and pain..you Dawn are also helping others..Baby steps honey...just for now...Luv ya Deb
I am so sorry. I lost my husband in 2007 from complications to esophageal cancer. My feelings often echo yours. I\'m sure your husband knows how much you love him, we are not perfect...we are just human. Sue