Wee Liam

Liam,
Every moment I wonder how life would be different if you were still alive.  What would you have grown up to do or be?  What would your future spose be like?  Would you have liked to read like your father and I, or would you love sports like my sister?  How would you have felt about our pets?  What would your first words have been?
Liam there are so many unanswerable questions.  I know what took you from me, Parvo virous contracted from my work as a Preschool Teacher.  No, I do not believe I will be able to go back to work at the place where I, for all intensive purposes, lost you.   Did it hurt?  Little one where you in pain and I didn't notice?
You had my husband's beautiful nose.  I wonder what else you would have had of his...would you have loved to take things apart simply to know how they worked? Would your voice be like his?
Would you have liked being in my arms?  How I loved holding you.  It was amazing how all things seemed to fade away except for you.  Our families were not getting along and I didn't notice, I didnt care.  All I could see was you, and Joel (my husband).  I feel weird to admit it but when Joel held ou I was jelous.  I knew you would be born still, but somehow I thought when you were born a mirical would happen and I would hear your birthcries.  I thought for sure I would see you smile at me. I never thought I would have pain med's when I gave birth but I did, I didnt want to remember more pain.  Liam how did I manage to hand you over to Joel who handed you over to the nurse.  You then left our room never to return.  I ache for you; my arms, my womb, my heart all ache for you.
I love you and keep you near my heart.  When you were born I ripped my snap gown apart so that I could hold you on my chest near my heart.  I feel you there sometimes...I wish you were there.
I wish so many things.  I wonder so many things.
I love you and miss you my little boy,
Mommy

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow. Very powerful words.

I feel like I could have written part of this. My son\'s name is Joel, and when my husband held him, I was jealous too, because I didn\'t want to give up any of my short time with him.

I also had myself believing that I would hear him cry when he was born. That\'s the only thing that got me through labor.

You and Joel have a tough road ahead of you. I\'m glad you found this site. It has been enormously helpful to me. I\'m not sure I would be where I am at today without out.
deleted_user
deleted_user

you have me in tears, as I too have some many of those same feelings about my little Samantha. I too thought Sammy would fool us all and come out screaming her little lungs out like she should have. Just know you are not alone and if you ever want to talk just pm me, sending you love and strength, stay strong, take care of yourself ***Big Hugs*** - Michelle
luvmyangelc
luvmyangelc

Very moving. I feel all of those same exact things even 15 months later... the what if\'s, the never wanting to let them go. xo allison