WEDNESDAY'S PANIC ATTACKS...
SO!...here is what happened yesterday...
As I was driving home to get ready for my Therapists appointment I was thinking about my relationship...and how I wish it was different...the way its supposed to be...a real relationship...a real marriage...a real LOVE...I was thinking all this and thinking about the fact that I really do love my husband and don't want to go through another failed marriage/divorce!
As I pulled up to the last STOP sign before reaching my house, I am checking for traffic and in doing so I am looking from side to side...well one of those times that I was moving my eyes from left to right and right to left I caught sight of a YOUNG woman leaving my house!...well not leaving my actual house but leaving the driveway that leads right up to my front door!!!!
I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK!!!!
Sure, we've been seperated for almost four weeks now...sure, I haven't been sleeping at home in that time...but REALLY!!!???...three weeks and you already have someone else staying/sleeping in MY HOUSE!!!!????...And yes that is the very first thought that came to my mind!!!!
Now...back to my journal entry:
WTH did I just see? My eyes literally froze on this woman I just saw walk out of MY DRIVEWAY!!! My mind started racing with all sorts of thoughts...My heart started racing... ... .. I started shaking... ... ...my grip on the steering wheel tightened to the point that my hands started to go numb... my anxiety levels shot straight up out of the roof...and I went into FULL ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK MODE!!!!
She was not walking very fast and she seemed to be walking away with all the confidence in the world...like she actually belonged there...(and in a way I guess she did)...but anyhoo...I regained my composure long enough to check to see if anyone was behind me (there was not) and to figure out what I was going to do... ... ... PICTURES!!!...I reached for my phone...to take a picture...but of course, I couldn't figure out how to take a picture with my phone fast enough...I couldn't think of anything other than the fact that I just saw this woman walking out of my house!!!...
SO!...I decided to confront her!!! ... But how? ... She's walking... I'm driving... it's 9:15 in the morning... there is traffic in the streets... I can't just stop in the middle of the street...She must be walking to the Rail Station...okay, I'll confront her there... ...
So I pull into the Fiesta Parking lot and park my truck facing the Rail Station... I catch sight of her slow walking self in my mirror...she is just crossing the first street (C)...DAMN she walks slow!...I watch her for a few more seconds...then I decide to go park in the Sears parking lot and walk to the Rail station... I pull into the parking lot only to find that it is packed with other cars...I rush to find a parking spot WAAAYYYY in the back almost a block away...roll up the window...grab my phone/camera get out of my truck...close the door...lock the door...set the alarm (it's a sketchy neighborhood)...and start to walk to the rail station...
I get to the corner and there is no sight of her!!!...Now she was not walking that fast to have covered damn near three blocks and get to the rail station in the amount of time that had just lapsed!!! ... So I crossed the street and decided to go look for her in the JIB...and sure enough there she was leaning against the counter waiting to place her order...
SO! I sat down to watch her and decide what I was going to do/say...I sat...and waited...and thought...and waited...and watched...and waited...for at least 20 minutes...then she finally placed her order, got her drink, and went to sit down at a table...I watched her for a couple of more seconds then got up and went to get in line to place MY order...
NOW this is when I had my SECOND PANIC ATTACK of the day!!!....I had to wait at least 30 minutes just to place my order...DAMN!!! this JITB is SLLOOOWWW...After damn near blowing a gasket, I placed my order, got my cup, got my drink (which was another mini panic attack) and went and placed my drink directly across from her to sit down at her table to confront her!!! And just as I was about to sit down...she busted out laughing and said:
"OMG!!!...I was just at your house!!!...I tried calling you!...I tried calling my Daddy!.. He was supposed to leave my mail in the mailbox!...I was knocking on the door!...Nobody answered the door or the phone!!!...Then you just placed your drink here at my table! I was like WHO IS THIS LADY PUTTING HER DRINK ON MY TABLE! and its you!!!"
LOL!
HAHAHA!
Turns out that the young woman that I saw walking out of MY driveway was my own 20 year old STEP-DAUGHTER!!! I had a anxiety/panic attack because I didn't recognize my own step daughter walking out of my driveway!!!
And while I am glad that it was her...and not any of the things I had conjured up in my immediate thinking mind, I did learn a very important lesson: I need to take my ass back home and really work at saving my marriage...because the thought of losing my husband to another woman really does not sit well with me!!!
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I'll return to adding to this journal entry in a little while...there were more episodes later in the day that I want to capture...
I guess that I had my third albeit small ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK while in the session with my therapist. I understand that she is only doing her job and trying to help me but I really bothers when anyone tells me what to do...and that is just about all she does...suggestions for taking my meds... telling me how to handle my grief... instructions on how not to be angry at myself... anyway...I made it through another session and left...NOW! My fourth ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK of the day was actually a case of Road Rage... I get so angry while driving because stupid people DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! Anyhoo...I was exiting a parking lot to get on the freeway to go home...and I pulled out in front of this red car that was speeding down the street...I didn't really expect him to catch up to me as fast as he did but anyway, I guess it kinda of pissed him off that I slowed him down...so we both turn to enter the freeway and once again I end up in front of him...Well...I am doing the speed limit and he is riding my tail because it's not fast enough for him...well...nothing pisses me off more than someone riding my tail expecting me to speed up...because I am not going to do it...so he rides my tail for about a half mile then suddenly jerks over into the left lane and passes me up...well I could care less that he passed me up but the fact that he had a Blue V tag hanging from his rear view mirror and was cussing at me and giving me the finger well that pissed me off...and I start to go into ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK MODE!After I returned his finger salute he speeds on past me and pulls in front of me...so in my anger I speed up and start riding his tail..lets see how he likes it!!!... Of course I guess that pissed him off cause he starts hitting his brakes trying to get me to hit him from behind...well DUMBASS!!! I've probably been driving a lot longer than you have and know all about these stupid little driving tactics of yours so guess what, I am not gonna hit you...but I am going to continue to ride your tail just to piss you off more!!!So we continued on this way for a few seconds and he got pissy and swerved over into the right lane this time...slowed down and was again cussing me out and giving me the finger...as was I...I was in the Army...if you salute me, which you shouldn't do, I am going to return the damn salute!!! Anyhoo...since he wasn't successful at what ever he was trying to accomplish he decided to take the loop while I continued on my way home...nothing really bad happened except for my RAISED ANXIETY LEVELS...And then I got to thinkng...that was really stupid on his part...because I am not in a good place right now...and honestly, if I had a gun on me...even if it was just a BB gun that I was going to buy last month...I would have pulled that gun and probably shot it at him...and NO I am not afraid of him shooting me back...WHY? ...because that's what I want!!!...I want to end my life...and what better way to end my life than to have someone else do it for me!!!So...there it is...there is just a small glimpse into the things and thoughts that constantly run through my mind if I am not busy focusing on some real problem that I need to fix but can't seem to do...like the water situation at my Moms house where my Son is now living.
And with that said...I end this journal entry... ... ... Well?
As I was driving home to get ready for my Therapists appointment I was thinking about my relationship...and how I wish it was different...the way its supposed to be...a real relationship...a real marriage...a real LOVE...I was thinking all this and thinking about the fact that I really do love my husband and don't want to go through another failed marriage/divorce!
As I pulled up to the last STOP sign before reaching my house, I am checking for traffic and in doing so I am looking from side to side...well one of those times that I was moving my eyes from left to right and right to left I caught sight of a YOUNG woman leaving my house!...well not leaving my actual house but leaving the driveway that leads right up to my front door!!!!
I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK!!!!
Sure, we've been seperated for almost four weeks now...sure, I haven't been sleeping at home in that time...but REALLY!!!???...three weeks and you already have someone else staying/sleeping in MY HOUSE!!!!????...And yes that is the very first thought that came to my mind!!!!
Now...back to my journal entry:
WTH did I just see? My eyes literally froze on this woman I just saw walk out of MY DRIVEWAY!!! My mind started racing with all sorts of thoughts...My heart started racing... ... .. I started shaking... ... ...my grip on the steering wheel tightened to the point that my hands started to go numb... my anxiety levels shot straight up out of the roof...and I went into FULL ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK MODE!!!!
She was not walking very fast and she seemed to be walking away with all the confidence in the world...like she actually belonged there...(and in a way I guess she did)...but anyhoo...I regained my composure long enough to check to see if anyone was behind me (there was not) and to figure out what I was going to do... ... ... PICTURES!!!...I reached for my phone...to take a picture...but of course, I couldn't figure out how to take a picture with my phone fast enough...I couldn't think of anything other than the fact that I just saw this woman walking out of my house!!!...
SO!...I decided to confront her!!! ... But how? ... She's walking... I'm driving... it's 9:15 in the morning... there is traffic in the streets... I can't just stop in the middle of the street...She must be walking to the Rail Station...okay, I'll confront her there... ...
So I pull into the Fiesta Parking lot and park my truck facing the Rail Station... I catch sight of her slow walking self in my mirror...she is just crossing the first street (C)...DAMN she walks slow!...I watch her for a few more seconds...then I decide to go park in the Sears parking lot and walk to the Rail station... I pull into the parking lot only to find that it is packed with other cars...I rush to find a parking spot WAAAYYYY in the back almost a block away...roll up the window...grab my phone/camera get out of my truck...close the door...lock the door...set the alarm (it's a sketchy neighborhood)...and start to walk to the rail station...
I get to the corner and there is no sight of her!!!...Now she was not walking that fast to have covered damn near three blocks and get to the rail station in the amount of time that had just lapsed!!! ... So I crossed the street and decided to go look for her in the JIB...and sure enough there she was leaning against the counter waiting to place her order...
SO! I sat down to watch her and decide what I was going to do/say...I sat...and waited...and thought...and waited...and watched...and waited...for at least 20 minutes...then she finally placed her order, got her drink, and went to sit down at a table...I watched her for a couple of more seconds then got up and went to get in line to place MY order...
NOW this is when I had my SECOND PANIC ATTACK of the day!!!....I had to wait at least 30 minutes just to place my order...DAMN!!! this JITB is SLLOOOWWW...After damn near blowing a gasket, I placed my order, got my cup, got my drink (which was another mini panic attack) and went and placed my drink directly across from her to sit down at her table to confront her!!! And just as I was about to sit down...she busted out laughing and said:
"OMG!!!...I was just at your house!!!...I tried calling you!...I tried calling my Daddy!.. He was supposed to leave my mail in the mailbox!...I was knocking on the door!...Nobody answered the door or the phone!!!...Then you just placed your drink here at my table! I was like WHO IS THIS LADY PUTTING HER DRINK ON MY TABLE! and its you!!!"
LOL!
HAHAHA!
Turns out that the young woman that I saw walking out of MY driveway was my own 20 year old STEP-DAUGHTER!!! I had a anxiety/panic attack because I didn't recognize my own step daughter walking out of my driveway!!!
And while I am glad that it was her...and not any of the things I had conjured up in my immediate thinking mind, I did learn a very important lesson: I need to take my ass back home and really work at saving my marriage...because the thought of losing my husband to another woman really does not sit well with me!!!
==================
I'll return to adding to this journal entry in a little while...there were more episodes later in the day that I want to capture...
I guess that I had my third albeit small ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK while in the session with my therapist. I understand that she is only doing her job and trying to help me but I really bothers when anyone tells me what to do...and that is just about all she does...suggestions for taking my meds... telling me how to handle my grief... instructions on how not to be angry at myself... anyway...I made it through another session and left...NOW! My fourth ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK of the day was actually a case of Road Rage... I get so angry while driving because stupid people DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!! Anyhoo...I was exiting a parking lot to get on the freeway to go home...and I pulled out in front of this red car that was speeding down the street...I didn't really expect him to catch up to me as fast as he did but anyway, I guess it kinda of pissed him off that I slowed him down...so we both turn to enter the freeway and once again I end up in front of him...Well...I am doing the speed limit and he is riding my tail because it's not fast enough for him...well...nothing pisses me off more than someone riding my tail expecting me to speed up...because I am not going to do it...so he rides my tail for about a half mile then suddenly jerks over into the left lane and passes me up...well I could care less that he passed me up but the fact that he had a Blue V tag hanging from his rear view mirror and was cussing at me and giving me the finger well that pissed me off...and I start to go into ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK MODE!After I returned his finger salute he speeds on past me and pulls in front of me...so in my anger I speed up and start riding his tail..lets see how he likes it!!!... Of course I guess that pissed him off cause he starts hitting his brakes trying to get me to hit him from behind...well DUMBASS!!! I've probably been driving a lot longer than you have and know all about these stupid little driving tactics of yours so guess what, I am not gonna hit you...but I am going to continue to ride your tail just to piss you off more!!!So we continued on this way for a few seconds and he got pissy and swerved over into the right lane this time...slowed down and was again cussing me out and giving me the finger...as was I...I was in the Army...if you salute me, which you shouldn't do, I am going to return the damn salute!!! Anyhoo...since he wasn't successful at what ever he was trying to accomplish he decided to take the loop while I continued on my way home...nothing really bad happened except for my RAISED ANXIETY LEVELS...And then I got to thinkng...that was really stupid on his part...because I am not in a good place right now...and honestly, if I had a gun on me...even if it was just a BB gun that I was going to buy last month...I would have pulled that gun and probably shot it at him...and NO I am not afraid of him shooting me back...WHY? ...because that's what I want!!!...I want to end my life...and what better way to end my life than to have someone else do it for me!!!So...there it is...there is just a small glimpse into the things and thoughts that constantly run through my mind if I am not busy focusing on some real problem that I need to fix but can't seem to do...like the water situation at my Moms house where my Son is now living.
And with that said...I end this journal entry... ... ... Well?
Replies
Compliment: You write well....sounds like you are going through a rough time. I would be sad too. My marriage of about 35 years has changed as well but we\'re not separated. Hang in there....if the relationship is worth saving, you\'ll find a way.
Thank you for the compliment. I\'ve been \'writing\' for years...it\'s how I express myself best.
And yes, I am going through a really rough time both in my life and my marriage...but I\'m pretty sure if I lose my marriage, I won\'t make it... It\'s honestly the only thing I have left that I haven\'t lost...and I really do love my husband and do not want to lose him too.
But, unfortunately I know that I haven\'t been a very good wife these last few years and if I do end up losing him and my marriage it won\'t be anybody\'s fault but my own.