wednesday nov 08

It looks like fall and for the south east, i guess it feels like it too. it's warm today. is it the south weather or global warming? i taught a yoga class today and we had a blast! i just had lunch. i'm reading the courage to heal workbook. "creating safety." Have I ever felt safe? Not really. I've always felt afraid. My mind is on "red alert" an effect from the sexual abiuse trauma. My cells has taken in fear for so many years that I feel like fear flows thru my veins like blood does. So, no, never felt safe. I'm laughing at my last statement! To feel safe is to feel relaxed. After doing and teaching yoga I feel relaxed. I feel safe in that moment. I allow the fear and doubt to creep in. That's a powerful statement. That experience of feeling safe is not feeling tight and stiff. Tentsion can seem to put a crip on you mentally and physically. I don't seem to worry when I am relaxed, nor have negative thoughts. My negative thoughts can be: no one likes me and I am a failure. For me to be safe, I would need not to exist. I know that thinking isn't true but I feel I have been programmed that way from the trauma of being molested as a child by my paternal uncle.When I consider the possibility of feeling safe in the world, I used to feel like I needed my own security guards. I don't feel like that now. I am still on guard. I prefer not be touched especially from men. I am more at ease about if someone should touch me, I won't freak out so much. Can I conceive of feeling safe? I think I can form an idea of feeling safe in my mind. When I am in my apartment I feel safe. When I am teaching my yoga class or doing yoga I feel safe. When I am around my friend Judy Harris I feel safe. Do I deserve to feel safe. Everyone human has the right to feel safe.