Wednesday morning,and the silence of my deafness

Good morning journal,the time is now 9:21am,I have been awake since 8:00am when I felt my wife slip into bed beside me after yet another night where she obviously sat awake in our lounge while I slept alone unaware of her absence because of our dogs who spent the night cocooned around me.I worry when she cannot find the peace of sleep,and yet I am powerless to help her as she makes her way through another night with whatever is on her mind remaining private to her and her alone.Because of my illnesses,especially my deteriorating mental health,my wife has had the burden of dealing with our numerous creditors and the day to day running of our home,I know that she is trying to shield me so that I don't worry any more than I already do,but I feel that I am letting her down badly,we are a team,and I should be doing more than I am,sadly though,I am not capable of dealing with a lot of things in my everyday life so she,wonderful woman that she is,shoulders the majority of things,money,my deteriorating health,my daily care,in short,everything that has to be dealt with while she lets me sit wrapped in my own defensive bubble where nothing of a worrying nature is allowed to penetrate.Here,now,as I sit at my desk,my world is silent and I cannot even hear my fingers as they type on my keyboard,you see I am deaf without my "bionic ears" in,I wasn't born deaf,I had an accident when I was nineteen which robbed me of my hearing and left me blind in my left eye.I hadn't heard a human voice properly for thirty eight years until the morning of February 5th 2013 when a wonderful young lady fitted me with new digital state of the art ears and she spoke to me from behind and I heard her.I spent the next few days just listening to different things,birds singing,children playing,and,one of the most wondrous things to me,the sound of the wind.For years I had felt it but I had forgotten how it sounded,but over all of these was the sound of my wife's voice,she is American with a soft Southern accent,it was then,and still is today,the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.I had my accident in 1974 and the technology back then just wasn't available to help me,I am still totally deaf in my left ear but I can hear in my right,I can feel vibrations in my left ear now which I couldn't before,but the point is I can hear,and that is a true miracle.It may come as a surprise then when I say that there are times,just like now,when I enjoy my deafness.In the early mornings when I am alone I sometimes don't put my hearing aids in right away,and the silence is truly wonderful,I can watch the world wake and come to life,I can bask in the quietness with God,and the peace and calmness of sitting with Him is something that is quite unexplainable,but because of my deafness it is mine to enjoy.I am not deaf to God,and even without my ears I can hear Him when He speaks to me,and,even more wonderful than that is that He always hears me.Sometimes I sit and wonder how I managed to have a thirty two year career as a professional singer while I was deaf all of that time,we worked around my deafness by the drummer or keyboard player counting me in by hand signals and,with the help of a very thin soled pair of shoes,I was able to "hear" the song through the vibrations in my feet,hey it worked for us.I only recently have managed to hear how I actually sounded while I was performing as my wife has a copy of my last CD,it was a surreal experience listening to myself,yet another miracle from God.Nobody except the band knew I was deaf unless I told them,which I very rarely did,I developed into a very good lip reader as long as people faced me and spoke normally,even today,I still lipread,I guess I've done it for so long that it is natural to me.So,I think that I have the better deal over a hearing person,when I want or need to hear I put my ears in,when I want the silence to be with God,or just to sit in the peace that only a deaf person can understand,I can,what's not to like?,and it is at times like this,right now,that I feel most fortunate among men.Today,I will accept whatever happens in my day,I will trust in my Father in Heaven,what will be will be,His will not mine,until next time journal,may we walk in Jesus' footsteps as He allows us to lean on Him one more day.