wednesday march 21 2012

things are not great if i find myself journaling almost every day!!!!! i am so suspicious and my instincts have never been wrong. my biggest mistakes in the past have been my denial and my need to believe in him. the signs are all there again, but no hard and fast proof and i am so tired of the fighting and especially tired of the implication that i am the crazy one. that i have this great malicious ability to make him feel bad about himself. i guess i feel so depressed because things seemed to be okay for a short while, but i am watching them deteriorate slowly and now what? i do not want any more dialog because listening to him lie (to both me and himself) is just too heartbreaking. last weekend's fight was most certainly about me being home and secret drinking? pill taking? impossible. really, at this moment, one of the saddest things is that even though i am ANGRY and sad and betrayed (again) i have this feeling of calm detachment, i just want to go home, change my clothes, walk my puppy, then i am going to my meditation group. hoping i can get through the evening with no confrontations. oh and to top it off......emergency root canal tomorrow morning ouch.