Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Well, I guess I'm moving forward. Scared shitless but moving forward nonetheless. I am signing the contract to buy the townhouse tomorrow morning. I know I'll be happy there but it is so frightening. The waiting until closing is going to be nervewrackling because I know I'll be second guessing myself the whole time.
Leaving for Hilton Head Friday morning. I'm getting pretty excited. The weather is only going to be in the 60's but compared to what I've been living with it's going to feel like the tropics. Had to buy all new clothes to fit the new "divorce diet" body so that will be fun. To actually be able to get dressed up and feel "hot" again. Been a long, long, long time for that. Ocean walks, hot tubbing, going out at night (oh my!) and tequila -- can't wait. I sound like a party fool and I'm really not but I so desperately need to just plain have a good time and be silly. This has been a long 8 months.
Rick, my rebound Magic Man, came back into my life with a bang. Still have no idea if it's ever going to go somewhere but I missed him and I'm glad to have him back. He's got a ton of issues of his own but in the month since I told him I didn't want to see him and I couldn't be just his friend he seems to have done a lot of thinking and is making big changes in his life. 3 steps forward, 2 back; 2 steps forward, 4 back. That's the way it is. And right now, it's all I can deal with too. Not ready for 24/7 with ANYONE, not even myself, lol!
So, I'm not in a bad place, just an anxious place. Xanax helps, thank God. I think I'll be living with this anxiety forever. Can't imagine it passing.
Thanks to all my DS buddies who are so supportive. I truly don't think I would have made it this far without you all.
Leaving for Hilton Head Friday morning. I'm getting pretty excited. The weather is only going to be in the 60's but compared to what I've been living with it's going to feel like the tropics. Had to buy all new clothes to fit the new "divorce diet" body so that will be fun. To actually be able to get dressed up and feel "hot" again. Been a long, long, long time for that. Ocean walks, hot tubbing, going out at night (oh my!) and tequila -- can't wait. I sound like a party fool and I'm really not but I so desperately need to just plain have a good time and be silly. This has been a long 8 months.
Rick, my rebound Magic Man, came back into my life with a bang. Still have no idea if it's ever going to go somewhere but I missed him and I'm glad to have him back. He's got a ton of issues of his own but in the month since I told him I didn't want to see him and I couldn't be just his friend he seems to have done a lot of thinking and is making big changes in his life. 3 steps forward, 2 back; 2 steps forward, 4 back. That's the way it is. And right now, it's all I can deal with too. Not ready for 24/7 with ANYONE, not even myself, lol!
So, I'm not in a bad place, just an anxious place. Xanax helps, thank God. I think I'll be living with this anxiety forever. Can't imagine it passing.
Thanks to all my DS buddies who are so supportive. I truly don't think I would have made it this far without you all.
Replies
As long as you can pay for that new home don\'t worry so. You will be fine and you like it. You have to live somewhere so you might as well own it.
Have fun in Hilton Head. You have certainly earned some fun time. The 60\'s in SC can feel warmer than the 60\'s up north. The weather changes often down here. It may be even warmer by the time you get to SC. Teh nights can get cool.
I jelious..wish I was going too. I like tequila..hot tubs that means bathing suits..You are living good, bad or indiferent you are making choices and moving forward. I envy you. Once you move into that place you will be settled. Know what I mean.. If I don\'t talk to you tonight I will on Thurs . Have a great time (trade you places) Cath
YEah, your future doesn\'t sound too bad at all! Wanna invite me over???? lol
Re: Rick the Magic Man
May I be so bold, and speak as a good friend does and should???????
Do I have y our permission?????
I\'m only thinking of you, and I know I\'m going out on a limb here, but that\'s what I do, with my family and friends......if they want to hear it!!!
I think that Rick, the Magic Man, may well have servedhis purpose as well as served for a season with a reason in your life. You needed somthing.......and you were so devastated,......so I get that void filling choice......I really do!!!
But I think,honestly, that you are way past that now!!! If you think, and know deep down in your heart, that he has his own bag of shit, and baggage........
Maybe it\'s time to really let him go!! I don\'t know a whole lot about him, but the feeling that I\'m getting from your post.....is that he served a purpose for that downtrodden beaten broken you,......but that now......you are on the upswing definitely, and ready for a full, complete man, who doesn\'t have that much baggage to bring to the table.
Instead, I hope and pray for you: that you attract a man, who is bright, funny, sweet, caring, insightful, and already done withhis baggage, and learned from his issues and problems, and came out quite well due to them. A man who is totally capable, willing, and able to serve you in your best interest. A man who is everything you deserve. I don\'t care about his looks, his weight, his hair (or if he has any). I\'m more interested in his heart, as well as his ability to arise above allt he crap, that, he too, may have endured. I\'m looking for a man for you, who rose to the top, like the cream of the crop! A man, that sweeps you off your feet, who makes you feel like the diamond in the rough, who loves you for who you are, for what you endured, and for what you have to offer him!!!
Did I tell you, that I\'m a bit intuitive???? Psychic, is what some folks have said about me, I dont\' really subscribe to the term, don\'t really like it, and definitely am not into thehocus pocus stuff, taroh cards, palm readings, aural readings and the such. Let me just say, that I do believe the Lord gave me a gift, and it has been wonderful.
My vision for you suggests that you wait a little while, before September you will have the opportunity to really meet a real man. I\'m am just concerned, that you might let your needs, insecurities, and lonesomeness entice you to this other dude, who is totally not for you!!! I\'d hate to see you too busy involved in a mediocre relationship, lest you miss the opportunity, for the real guy, the real man, who could offer you so much more. Enough said!
You know I love ya jwalker, and am a big proponent of yours, a huge supporter! Ya weathered the storm, better than some, did what you had to do to survive......
But there is so much more around the bend, in less than 6 months, if you would just make yourself totally available for the far better person. I\'d just hate to see you miss the opportunity, cuz the real man, wouldn\'t consider approaching you, if you appear to be in a relationship! He just wouldn\'t! And you can\'t fake him out, no way, no how! When you are indeed, free, and have totally cut off the other dude, it will permeate, it will shine, and it will show....
only then, will you get this super dude of a man, with integrity! Please think aobut it, and email me if you want. I reallydon\'t have a lot more details, other than what I have written. I don\'t even know what he looks like, or his age. All I know is he has the real love to offer you, the real agape, true blue integrity, and that\'s all I know!!! lol
It\'s possible that he\'s a little older, might have a couple pounds on him, but not bad, and not a whole lot of hair, but he knows how to make love, and he knows how to show love. Okay, that\'s all I got now!!!
I knew after reading my entry, jsut knew......
you wanted a f ew details, a sign, told ya! lol
So I made my best effort, but I aint\' gott nothin more! I just feel an overwhelming sense of a bright light, which reflects his true heart, and his ability to make you so content!
Wow, Jo I want one too. Any leftovers....I like \"he knows how to make love and show love.\".
Wonder if Mr. Magic should be used or not?
Cath
Hi Jo, I am so very happy for you, new pad and new outlook and happy just being you.
I hope you have a blast !
Peace
Joey
Sounds wonderful, like Spring is happening in your life not just nature.
But like BlondGal, I have concern.
I am not psychic, intuitive, or anything. I have toyed with the idea of calling myself Captain Obvious. Because I am only good at observing things that are really, really obvious. Like the idea that sometimes the Pacific Ocean is a bit damp, and (after decades of blows from blunt instruments) that one person can\'t make a relationship work.
Here are my observations:
1) Anybody of a reasonable age for you or I (over 30 years old) is going to have baggage. Lots of baggage.
2) Anybody of a reasonable age for you or I (over 3 years old) is going to suck at changing.
#2 is key, because it is not a flaw, it is a shining gem that has taken me years to discover. I will never change for another person again. I am changing because God has blessed me real hard and the old me can\'t survive the new life that has been forced on me mostly against my will. But I am changing to be true to myself, not for anyone else. I hurt myself, and the heartless evil b*tch I will love forever (but not \"that way\" anymore, thank God) beyond what she or I can probably ever forgive, by trying and trying and trying to be what she wanted, what she needed. If I ever fall in love again and it works, it will be with somebody who can love and cope with me as I am, baggage and all.
So if your Magic Man is magic to you, then joyously accept him as he is. His changes will fail, and fail often, and when they don\'t they will dull his magic. But if those flaws are too much, maybe his place in your story is as someone who helps you find your heart\'s desire, not The Prince. Because kissing frogs only works if you love frogs.
Rrrrribit.
Yes, it is a lot different than when we were young. We do have baggage. Will we change? Can we change? Yes, we need someone who can put up with us the way we are and love us..Unconditionally, sorry I don\'t believe that any more. There are a lot of toads out there many don\'t turn into princes. However bad we want em too. I do want to be a best friend/pal/buddy/lover. I will not walk 2 feet behind or 2 feet forward. I will walk with a purpose...Hope we can walk together.