Wednesday

I have had a somewhat busy week went to cematary yesterday it seems like when I go there it takes all the energy from me.I have no clue why.I've been babysitting baby Emily Tuesday she was very fussy she spit up on me 3 times.I think I over fed here or I didn't burp her good enough.She takes alot of my time I have her 4 hours but her mother has always held her the whole time she sleeps not a good idea.Every time I get her to sleeo and try and put her down she wakes up.Rebecca helps me alot.I forgot how much time it takes to have a 8 week old baby.She's a sweety though.It sure brings back memories of all my children.Justin and Ashli were good babies Rebecca was a handful.She had to be fed every 2 hours I didn't get much sleep and I was 38.It would wear me out I've talked to a couple of Justin's friends they make me cry when they call so much sadness I pray to God he will make it more real because I still think his here just haven't seen him in awhile it makes me feel better thinking he just has been gone awhile and will call or come over.It is still so so hard you think it would be more real to me since it's been 13 months.My heart just aches.I just can't get over that he's gone.I just melt when I look at pictures of him.I still call his cell phone his cousin D.J has it now just makes me feel better to dial those numbers he had that phone for a long time.I even been by the house where he died I'm sure people wonder what I'm doing figure one day someone will call the police on me.See I think I'm going a little crazy.I love you all who respond on my journels.I could never talk to any one who understands I have DS friends who know how I really feel.I'm just glad I found this site it has helped alot to know that people listen and don't judge me.Some people I know think I didn't raise Justin in the right way.I did the best I could.I always talked to him about drugs he was a great son very loving and always had a good heart.Well I'm rambling on.I love everyone on this site thanks for all the encouragement and know how I really feel.BIG HUGS,jfm24,Vicki 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Vicki: I\'m so sorry to hear that you are not holding up so well. It\'s been 13 months since I lost my son also, and I know your pain. I will tell you that I felt the same way about the cemetery for a long time, so I had to stop going there for a while, and it helped. My best advice to you is to try to focus only on positive things, and when the negative feelings start to rise, try to switch your thoughts over to something else. It is possible to control our own thoughts, if we try. I think you have to fight hard to find that strength inside of you to push the bad feelings away and look for the good in your life. I think that Adrianne is right, and that once you find a way to open the door and let in God\'s love, He will help you. You have to give your grief over to Him, and ask Him to take the burden away from you. It works. When I can\'t sleep at night, I say to God - I did all I can do today to bear this burden, and now I need to sleep. I give this burden to you to bear until I wake and am strong enough again. It really does work. God is here for you, if only you ask Him, He will help. I will add you to my prayers tonight, for a peaceful night and a good day tomorrow. One day at a time is all we can do. Love, Nancy
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am sorry about your son, I will pray for you. I know it\'s tough. The hard part is the highs and the lows. Just take it one day at a time. I am here if you need to talk.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Vicki,
Who the heck are these people to judge you. That always makes me so angry when I hear the nerve of other people to judge one of us Mom\'s.
I can understand the cemetary draining you and i also understand how the second year is harder for Mom\'s with older children. I have accepted the fact that my son will not be back but it only happened recently, the road is long and eventually we need to get to acceptance. I alos know we jump from one stage to the next but at this moment in time I am in the acceptance stage. Hope you continue to be kind to yourself. Hugs, Inga
deleted_user
deleted_user

Nobody will judge you I know you must of been a wonderful Mother do not blame your self. We have enough pain dealing with the loss of our children. It does not matter how they died they all end up in heaven with a forgiving God whom is taking care of our children
deleted_user
deleted_user

Vicki...each of us have to go through our own walk through the grief...there are no rules with what to do and what not to do...love and hugs...to you...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Just stopped by to say HI and give you a BIG BIG HUG!:0)