Wedding Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to me.  haha.  Today (well technically yesterday since its past midnight) would have been my 30th wedding anniversary.  I stopped at the cemetery this evening to tell my husband happy anniversary.  I know that's a little strange but it was something I felt I had to do.  I feel like we still had our anniversary.  Not together physically but like mentally.  I can't explain it but I just feel like since it hasn't been a year yet since my husband died, I feel as if we did still have our 30th anniversary.  I also know that this will be our last anniversary.  I am angry that we won't ever have a 50th or 60th, like when you see older couples in the newspaper celebrating many years together.  I am angry that we won't ever have those so called "Golden Years" together.  I am angry that my husband worked so darn hard and what did he get in return? Northing.  He worked hard to provide for  his family.  He worked so hard to retire early.  Heck he only had 6 days left til he was going to retire but no, he wasn't even allowed that.  He gets a heart attack instead.  I used to think that I was a good person.  I tried to be nice to others.  But  now I just feel as though no matter what I do, good people finish last.  Not so nice people always seem to get everything.  Why is that. Life is just so very unfair.  I will never understand why things happen. Why my husband was taken away before his time.  I still have those days where I think Tom will come in the door and say "Honey I'm  home"  or "The Lord and Master has arrived"  Stupid but funny things he always did.  I know he won't be coming home but it still seems so unreal.  But I know he is gone.  I am hoping that now that our wedding anniversary has come and gone, maybe I can move forward.  I know my heart will always ache and I know each day is going to be hard, but I asked Tom tonight to please help me get through this and watch over us and help me to be able to move forward  without him.  Everything that I am doing now is all because of Tom.  I feel guilty that I am moving forward with building our retirement home.  Its not the same home that he & I would have built but it will be a new and smaller house.  Its just so hard to do this without him here too.  Without his planning and saving I never would be able to move.  Its just unfair.  I am still full of anger and full of guilt.  I don't know if this will ever go away.  I can't get the picture of my husband laying on our bed having a seizure or stroke (I never was told exactly what was happening)  that was the last I say my husband alive.  The next time I was allowed back in our room, he was on the floor dead.  I can't erase that from my mind.  I am so upset about not being there holding his had while the paramedics tried to resuscitate him.  I can't help but wonder if I was holding his hard would he have tried harder to hold on.  I will never know the answers and for this , I will always feel the guilt. 
Well for anyone reading this entry, please wish me success in moving forward.  I would ask for your prayers but I am still having a hard time with that.  I haven't been to church in a long time.  How could God take my husband and my children's father away from us.  I stood outside our bedroom praying like I never prayed before and for what?  My husband died.  But that's another issue I guess I have to deal with.   So wish me well in my success to move ahead.