Wedding

I woke up at 6:00 today and decided to tune in the royal wedding. It was beautiful, but it brought back the loss I have had and I just haven't been able to shake the sadness today. I went in to town and helped a friend out in her restaurant. I know I need to make more arrangements such as chairs and porta potties for the memorial service and I just don't want to. I guess it makes it more real. A lawyer my friend knows wants me to sue the the hospital where my husband had a procedure right before he died. I don't think I will; J wasn't the sueing type. But it is annoying to talk to an ambulance chaser.  Then too I promised to give my stepson my husband's computer but I haven't got all the music and pictures off of it that I want yet. I just feel like it is letting go of part of him. Then too, a person J thought of as a good friend says he cannot come to the service and I feel like that's a betrayal, though why this guy makes a difference is more than I can say. My neighbor, who is a widow and who has helped me so much with this is very ill. She has been ill for some time but it seems to be getting worse.  Then too another very helpful widow friend has dementia and it is getting worse. I guess my father in law isn't too well either. He is 96. I am just sad, sad, sad. I just wish There was something I could do to escape this feeling, but since I don't drink, drug or eat eat compulsively I guess I have to sit it out. My J was the person who could give me a wink or squeeze my hand and I would feel better. I am sad, scared, angry, panicked. 
Today I am grateful for:
dinner plans with friend
a meeting tonight
my washer and dryer. 
I am not suffering like the people down South or in Japan
my dogs
my cats
choices
sunshine (for a couple hours anyway)
 I can write it out here.
I can pound the guest room bed and yell.
I can start again
 I have DS to vent to