Wed
This week seems to be like watching coffee drip. I feel myself slipping back into deep depression again. Since moving, I can't find a decent coffee shop nearby to unwind in. I use to go to one after work and relax with a latte. It was 5 minutes from the house. Now,
the only one here is the Starbucks down the road and I just can't relax there. I fill it is just a mirror of what is going on in my life right now. My life is turned upside down simply because I had to move-there were no affordable places left in the area I was looking and all the routines and places I knew are gone. For someone with OCD, this is bad. This morning I totally erased the ex's number from my phone including all emails so Im not able to text or message him. Ive turned everything over to the universe because right now more than ever I am feeling I have no control over anything. The universe brought us back together once but this time it is hard to imagine it happening again. Whereas I usually have hope, it has faded for anything.
Today, I shut my door at work so that I don't have to deal with anyone as I have the whole escapade that happened at work yesterday. I was shutting my door in the beggining and the boss had a problem with it. I only did it because I can't function at work
with alot of noise. If they ask me again about it I will just say that I am paranoid about talking to anyone without them thinking I am engaging the wrong people and so I think it's best to close my door to avoid any interaction. They can pick up the phone if they need to. I just want to go home and crawl into my safe place and sleep.
Replies
Little things make big diffs, even when OCD is not in play. Ever been cut off by somebody who couldn't be bothered with a turn signal? To me, finding that decent coffee shop sounds like a need worthy of a holy mission. Wanna borrow my noble knights for the mission? Poor boobies are bored stiff this week. Sampling lattes might be just the thing for them. Busy work?
For what it's worth: I'd blame the noise factor before I'd fess up to an average boss or co-worker that I was feeling my paranoia. I've had bosses/co-workers I could be that honest with, but not many.
Yes Arfie, not going to mention the whole paranoia thing. Paranoia might have been the wrong word to use, maybe I'm just feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place and none of it had anything to do with me.
I don't talk about my private life at work because I don't feel like these people are my confidants. I feel more secure on this site.
A therapy mantra I picked up from Alanon is, "Don't go to a hardware store for bread."
The philosophy behind the mantra is about keeping my quest to satisfy my fully valid and complex human needs on a productive tract. Don't go to my therapy network for career needs, nor vice versa. My therapist cannot replace a best friend. My children cannot be my caretakers. Etc., etc., all the way to getting mad at a hardware store manager for the lack of bread on the shelves.
I feel more secure sorting my psycho snot knots within my therapy network (including this site) but not so much for career development counseling or even decorating tips.
As soon as my health insurance kicks in, Ill be sitting back in my counselors office.